Transitions Can Be Rough – Stay Flexible
“I told Althea I was feeling lost – lacking in some direction.” This lyric by the Grateful Dead has been bouncing around my brain the last 6 months. Why the last 6 months? That’s been the amount of time since I moved from Houston to Oklahoma. The plan was that I would transition to Stay at Home Dad (SAHD)/default parent and Mrs. SSC would continue working. Why do I get to quit work and she doesn’t? Well, in short, she wants to continue teaching because she loves it, it’s her passion and it does a lot to invigorate her soul. It’s the main reason we switched from pursuing Early Retirement and started working to create our Lifestyle Change. While I loved what I did for work, I’ve written about many times before that there are always things that I’d rather be doing than working.
If you read any FIRE (Financially Independent Retire Early) blogs, eventually you’ll read, “You should retire TO something, not AWAY from something” and it’s a valid point. You don’t want to wake up retired and ask yourself, “what now?” There should be some plan in place for what you want to do with the amazing gift of free time that you just gave yourself. I had one in place, and much like our own FFLC (Fully Funded Lifestyle Change) plans, it needed to be flexible because it too has morphed quite a bit.
The Original Transition Plan
My original plans with my “free time” seemed to be pretty simple. I wanted to do more exercising/training for triathlons, more yard work/gardening, play more music, volunteer at the kids school, volunteer as a CASA, fish more, do woodworking, and homebrew more. Oh… And keep the house clean, laundry done, weekly menu planned, groceries stocked, kids bathed, dogs vet appt’s and medicines on schedule, and stay on top of home maintenance duties. Easy Peasy, right? I figured I would set up a similar schedule as Justin at Root of Good and see, there’s time for everything I want to do right there, including video games!
Here’s the thing. Major life transitions and schedule changes don’t come easily. Also, I had the first 3 months of relocating feeling chained to the house with the remote assignment I got with my company. Loved the money, hated the feeling of limbo. That threw things out of whack for a while because I felt like I wasn’t fully committed to anything. Eesh… Also, it seemed that whenever I’d start to get in a routine, something would happen and throw it out of whack. You know, life.
What Actually Happened
I think it’s easier to start with what didn’t happen with those above mentioned “wants”.
- The triathlon training/exercising went out the window pretty quickly. I started running when we first moved here, but after a month or so, it dropped off.
- Playing more music and learning the dobro. That is also not where I’d like it. Maybe it’s that the instruments are upstairs, but mainly, it’s just not as much of a priority as I expected it to be.
- Homebrewing started okay, but I’ve only brewed 1 batch since I got here and have 1 batch on deck. Maybe I’ll do that today.
- Volunteer at the kids school. They have a program called WATCH Dogs and I applied to that before school started. It took until mid-December to hear anything back and be able to start volunteering, so I say that’s a 50/50 as planned. Regardless, I couldn’t do much with it until mid-December, so it didn’t go as I planned.
- Weekly menu planning. Sweet Jesus, did this crash and burn spectacularly… It’s only been this past month that I’ve been doing that more and staying on top of it. Whoopsies!
- Fishing more. I did more fishing with my oldest in the last 5 months than we did most years in Houston. He’s started asking to go fishing more often and we live right by a lake. We also used to live right by a lake, but he didn’t want to go much back then.
- Woodworking… Ugh, I didn’t get my bandsaw setup and put a blade on it until January. I’ll call that a fail.
- Video games. Even with Red Dead Redemption 2, and Battlefield V coming out, I’ve played less than I did in Houston. Maybe less need to zone out in a game and unwind? IDK…
I did get sucked into a LOT more yard work and home maintenance than I thought. I’ve created another massive pile of brush and trees, similar to that first massive set of brush piles when we first moved in.
As mentioned before, I installed 264 batts of insulation, replaced multiple electrical outlets, replaced the guts to 3 sinks and 1 toilet, vacuumed the walls, ceilings, and cabinets of the house due to the massive amount of dust present when we first moved in.
I unpacked and organized some rooms, but so many more to go (organizing, not unpacking, lol), scheduled and met with 4 different AC guys to replace furnace and AC, same with insulation peeps, carpet installers, and multiple various repairmen for things like the septic system or water softener that I won’t tackle myself. Yet… I know there are way more I didn’t mention, but you get the idea.
“I’m becoming less defined as days go by,
Fading away…
Well you might say I’m losing focus,
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself”— NIN
In short, I didn’t know who I was, who I was supposed to be, what role I was supposed to be filling and I felt like I was doing a poor job at all of them…
Health – Don’t Forget Your Brain!
I also spent a LOT of time at Dr’s appointments it seemed. A main focus was to get my mental health in check, something I’ve wholly neglected the last 5 years and have been treating ineffectively the last 10-20 years. Exercise and occasional Serotonin boosts don’t do shit to a chemical imbalance. You know what’s made a 180 difference in my life and my families lives this past 6 months? Depression meds. Funny, how that correlation works. I wish I’d done it decades sooner but am more glad I didn’t wait decades later. Don’t be like me. It’s not a failure to admit you need to see a psychiatrist. I know it felt like it to me, but that’s just the depression talking. Trust me, that’s the single best thing I’ve done for myself and my family since I’ve had a family.
I also went to a general physician because my last full checkup was ~7 yrs ago. Turns out I’m still healthy, but follow-ups on a couple of minor issues took way more visits and time than expected because… doctors.
Essentially, even though I had a lot of “free time” it was all focused on my health and getting the house and yard where we want it. But, every time I felt that I had some things under control I’d get reminded that I was letting other things slip. D’oh!
The Current Schedule
I had a lot of calendar reminders setup to help me with everything I mentioned above that I didn’t end up actually doing, and eventually, I deleted all but a couple of those. It was just something else to dismiss when it popped up on my phone or watch.
In January, I had another lightbulb moment!
I realized that I’m the only one in charge of my time and why not focus towards things I want to focus on? Simple, but brilliant!
I get up before 6am each day, and get the kids up, their lunches packed and ready for school, that’s the same.
I have coffee and time to slowly sip it, while I watch deer in the backyard, or check out news, or new blog posts from PF peeps.
Then, I do one of a few things that are “for me” things. This can be going hiking, I’ve gotten into getting out there 2-3 days a week, playing music, painting, or woodworking.
Liberal Arts
Mrs. SSC and I are also taking an oil painting class, and man, I’m digging it. I’ve never painted with oil before, but it’s fun. Very Zen and relaxing and I can see continuing that after our class ends. Plus, I keep finding cool old oak trees while I’m hiking that I take pictures of and think, “Oh, that would be a cool painting, especially in spring when the leaves are just starting to come out…”
Playing music hasn’t progressed as much as I’d have thought, but again, it’s just not as much a priority as I thought it would be. Things go in cycles, and it’s on an off cycle evidently. I do still play more than between Aug. – Dec. but not as much as I would’ve thought. Oh well.
Woodworking
I got my bay of the garage set up to where it’s a functioning shop now. I hung 2 new LED shop lights, a dust filter, and have it where it’s workable. I need to build a router table for my next project but have an old desktop I think I can repurpose well for that.
I’m currently finishing a banjo I began building from scratch ~7 yrs ago. I got it to the point of connecting the neck and pot and then our son was born and I let it fall by the wayside. I’m almost finished with it and hope to have it done by the weekend. So exciting!!
I got the approval from Mrs. SSC to build a shoe cubby for our entry way, so that will be the next small project and my next big project is building a wood-strip canoe. Oh yeah! Starting from scratch again with that one! Of course, I need a planer now, but that’s kind of how these things go. I can use it when I build the stand-up paddle boards next. Yeah, I found plans for those and can build my own lighter and cheaper than commercial ones. Good stuff!
SAHD Life
I’m embracing the SAHD role more and more. I’ve gotten my own schedule for groceries, Mrs. SSC and I tag team the weekly menu some weeks, others I just do it, no big whoop. I’ve gotten into a better routine for kids’ laundry, cleaning, and you know, house hold stuff.
CASA training started last week and will go another 7 weeks, so that is coming to fruition.
Volunteering at school has been great! I’ve been doing at least 1 day a week at school as a WATCH Dog and it’s been awesome getting to see the kids there during the day. I cooked some chili for a cookoff that raised $140 for a classroom and I got 2nd place! I also called Bingo for the chili/bingo night. I have been volunteering enough there that I get told, “We were excited to see you were on the schedule, thanks so much for coming in!” So yeah, that’s been great.
Summary
While the transition to SAHD hasn’t gone as planned, life has been pretty good. It could’ve been better and definitely could’ve been worse, but no complaints overall. If you’re looking to make a transition to anything, just remember it will take time to “get it right”. What you think should be “right” might not end up being that at all. Just be flexible and go with it.
Gwen @ Fiery Millennials
February 5, 2019So many times real life doesn’t live up to expecations or plans. That doesn’t mean our lives are bad…….. it just means life happens. Good on you for adjusting your view of life. Also, I’m so grateful you wrote about seeking help. If you can’t make your own chemicals, store bought ones are a-okay too. You rock!
Mr SSC
February 6, 2019If only life lived up to expectations, huh? That would be an interesting world indeed. I think I may write a post just about mental health and avoidance and all the other shit that comes along with it. Who knows? I totally agree, store bbought seem to work just as fine for me, so woohoo for that! Plus, I was lucky to find some meds that worked well for me. Some people in my support group have gone through multiple types of meds to get something that works and doesn’t have horrid side effects.
Mr. Groovy
February 5, 2019This post is why you’re one of the most compelling bloggers out there. I never fail to leave this blog without feeling more thoughtful and more inspired. Thank you, sir.
Mr SSC
February 6, 2019Thanks for the kind words! I really appreciate it. Glad you liked the post. 🙂
FIRE Up The Couch
February 5, 2019Thanks for sharing. Interesting how “random life stuff” so easily fills our schedules no matter how much free time we have. But it sounds like you’re starting to figure out a good balance and get into a bit of a groove. Keep on truckin’! I’m off to find a psychiatrist now. 😁
Mr SSC
February 7, 2019O… M… G… yeah the minutia of life can eat up so much time so easily! There were days in the fall where I’d tell Mrs. SSC goodbye as she went to work at 7am, and I turn around and the bus is pulling up at 3:30pm… Crazym how easily it can slip away.
Yes, I am finally starting to get into a good groove with the schedule, thank goodness! It was like learning to walk all over again. Good luck with the psychiatrist. 🙂
mrWow
February 6, 2019So glad to see things are starting to fall into place. That’s amazing! It takes time. That’s a whole lot of change all at once. Sounds like life is good!! Kudos on the beard BTW!
Mr SSC
February 6, 2019THanks man! The beard… It’s been growing and I was going to trim it or cut it off and Mrs. SSC said, “I meant to tell you, I like the beard, it looks sexy.” So, the beard shall remain, lol. It’s not getting to ZZ Top or Duck Dynasty craziness, but it’s not disappearing anytime soon either.
Thank goodness stuff is starting to get into a routine. It really felt like I was in a whirlwind for the longest time. It’s nice to get back into a more stable healthy routine.
Dave @ Accidental FIRE
February 6, 2019Keep at it dude, and get that dobro out!
Mr SSC
February 6, 2019Actually, I did get it out and was practicing yesterday. For real practicing. It’s always amazing how much you lose when you don’t play an instrument for a while. Even more amazing is how much muscle memory remains and comes back quickly when you do start playing.
I find on the banjo, I can be noodling around and fall into a song I hadn’t thought of in years. Good times. Now to build those skills and repertoire with the dobro. 🙂
Kalie @ Pretend to Be Poor
February 6, 2019Transitions definitely through me out of whack and it can be hard to recover and get organized again. The birth of our third child in June was definitely a transition for us, especially as we had been out of the infant/toddler stage for years. I’m so glad you are taking care of your mental health and making time for things you love. I have been making it a point to read fiction since the baby was born–something I hadn’t done much of in years. I used to feel it was selfish, but now I’m seeing the value of having fun, relaxing, and giving myself a break.
Mr SSC
February 6, 2019Man, I’ve heard 3 kiddos is at the peak of “difficulty” and can imagine being out of that phase for a while made it even more difficult. Transitions of any kind can make it hard to get organized I’m glad to hear that you’re getting through it well too.
And good for you reading fiction and taking some time for you. I heard that from multiple people in my support group, my psychiatrist, and others, “what are you doing for you?” I think that was what created the lightbulb and since I’m not the quickest at grasping new concepts, it took a few months before that lightbulb turned on and I was like, “Oooooohhhh… things for me.” lol Yes, find something for you and don’t think of it as selfish as much as a way for you to recharge your spirit, energy, good mood and be even better for the family afterwards. That’s how I look at it, and it helped me not feel selfish about it.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
February 6, 2019How funny, I was ruminating on exactly this advice of yours for a post!
I noticed an interesting parallel between a lot of what you were loosely expecting to do and my list of things I want to do when the time comes to deploy the chute. That and all the gardening we have to do. Your brush situation is a little worse than mine, though. 😂
Glad one of the things you DID do was address the depression – that has got to make an enormous difference in your quality of life.
Unrelated, are you naturally a morning person? The ideal me would be up at 6 every morning but I can’t manage 645 on a good day, which today decidedly was not, since insomnia baited me until 3.
Mr SSC
February 7, 2019Yeah, the pics of your gardening issues seem nice and tame compared to mine. 😀
I am not a natural morning person. However, life and schedules don’t seem to care and have had me waking up at 5am or so the last 4-5 years. I get to sleep in to 5:50 nowadays, but yeah, it’s still slow mornings for me. I don’t have insomnia issues, but I do find myself naturally not winding down until ~10pm to midnight. 🙂
Doing something about depression definitely made a huge positive difference in the quality of life. My irritability decreased significantly, my internal negative thoughts and self talk all but disappeared and the family is enjoying me NOT being “Angry Dad”. Hell of a nickname…
Mr. PIE
February 6, 2019It’s true. The overscheduling at work is hard to shake off. We think it should be easy but we have to force ourselves to dial it back but not so much to hit slob speed.
You know I am so happy the depression challenges are being faced with courage and strength. The meds are your friend also.
Oh, and the DIY stuff. So cool watching all this play out. I am learning a ton.
Mr SSC
February 7, 2019I find it hard sometimes finding a balance of chill yet productive and sloth speed. 🙂 I’m getting there though, slowly but surely. Although I did have a friend tell me, “You should do those things in your free time! Get out there! There are all sorts of places you can add value and help others out. Don’t make all your time, free time…” I’m like, Ugh… Part of me feels like I should be doing more and another part is just getting okay with embracing some decompression time. I also don’t want to overcommit and do a lot of stuff poorly. This is also from the same person that gets 3-4 hrs of sleep per night because she is constantly working with her mutliple, multiple, multiple charity projects in the US and overseas. She’s a regular saint.
I agree the meds are my friend, except when they aren’t. I was getting irritable and anxious back before christmas and it was like old me, just without suicidal thoughts. We decided to dial one of my meds back and voila! I’m back to just me! Fortunately, I didn’t have to go thru many different meds and all sorts of varied/horrid side effects to find something that worked. Mini win for sure!!
The DIY stuff… Man, I didn’t realize I was so handy! 😀 I think the biggest thing is knowing the stuff I can’t touch/won’t touch and the stuff that I’ll jump into headfirst. The worst that happens is I break something so badly I call someone to come fix it, but that hasn’t happened yet. Mainly because I don’t quit, and secondly, there are youtube video walkthroughs for literally anything you could want to do around the house. When I get stuck or realize I should’ve taken pictures of how something looked BEFORE I took it apart, I head to google and youtube. lol
dap
February 6, 2019Great to have you back blogging. Quick question.. “Retire to something” vs. “Retire away from something”. Having just gone through the transition, is a big bucket list/to-do list good enough? Or, do you need to a have better feel for the person you want to be when you transition to FIRE or FFLC. I’m good with the lists but I was always worried you needed some magic goals on how to deal with the identity change. The way you describe it, get going, make adjustments, and let it work out is appealing.
Mr SSC
February 7, 2019Thanks! To answer your question, I’ll try to be succinct, but it may fail. to start, I don’t think you need to necessarily have a feel for the person you want to be when you transition to FIRE/FFLC. Mainly, because that won’t change unless you actively put work into it. In my case, I didn’t want to remain the person Iw as, but that was more to do with mental issues and the side effects from that, i.e. being nicknamed Angry Dad. Yay… Now, if you mean know who you want to be as in, you want to be a volunteer, or a PTA person, or active in a local music/art scene, or as Ms. ONL once said maybe you want to be a self-sponsored athlete and do more mtn biking, running, swimming, skiing, whatever. Sure, that’s great and make sure if you relocate, that place has whatever it is you want to do.
In regards to a big bucket/to-do list, that’s the route I’m taking. I knew there were things I wanted to do, but didn’t prioritize the time before leaving work. Yeah, I could build a strip canoe at nights and on weekends, but considering how little time was given to the banjo during those work years, I didn’t want to start and abandon another project. Now that I have time, I also have a list of things to do. On that list for me, was being involved at the kids school and get into working as a CASA. The other stuff seems more hobby related, and for me, that’s okay too.
I got scolded by a friend that I should keep hobbies to my free time and do even more volunteering and helping people out. You know, don’t make it all free time. She has a point, but I don’t want to over commit and do a bunch of stuff poorly. Once the CASA training finishes in 7 weeks, I can put in as much or as little time with it as needed. Plus, I’m expecting it will open my eyes to other organizations to volunteer with and my involvement can grow organically.
That wasn’t succinct, but my main thing I learned was that there is no magic identity change. Maggie from Northern Expenditure once wrote, “Retired you, is still you.” and that is spot on. If you’re comfortable with you now, you’re ahead of the curve. My post on finding your ikigai talks more about this, but basically, find a reason to get up and go about your day, when you’re retired. Even if it’s as simple as morning coffee with friends, in that study, they found people with an ikigai lived longer than those without one (reason to get up each day).
Like I described it is probably how it plays out for most people. Quit work, start doing stuff, and adjust as needed. 🙂 Good luck!
dap
February 7, 2019Good Stuff. You’re a great writer and have a lot skill in communicating transformations in a way that makes practical sense. Thanks
Caveman
February 7, 2019So firstly just 100% on the importance of mental health. Medication and counselling both awesome.
Without wanting to overplay it, it sounds a lot like you’re slowly working out who you want to be and it’s taking time to disentangle that from who you think you ought to be.
You mention in one of the comments that you’re getting grief from a friend to keep hobbies to your free time and help people the rest of the time. Honestly, what’s it got to do with her? I would argue that so long as you aren’t neglecting your family then you are the only person who can decide what you should spend you time on. Hobbies or volunteering or watching reruns of Happy Days, it’s entirely up to you.
It’s taken me many years to get there but I have realised the truth in what Steve Jobs said in that commencement speech: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life” It been too easy for me to live the life others expect me to live. I’m not there yet but at least the scales have fallen from my eyes.
Good luck man!
Mr SSC
February 8, 2019I am kind of working thru who I am now. For worse, I’ve been able to switch masks interchangeably and be whoever I was “supposed” to be for that situation. Now, I’m just trying to be me and that’s starting with getting to know me again, lol.
One thing I’ve found is that I do like woodworking and those sorts of projects as much as I thought I would, and it’s nice having time to put towards that. Like you said, is sort of my lightbulb moment I had, that this is my time to do what I want, within reason, and if I’m doing more of it with hobbies than full on volunteering during the first 6 months of having the free time. Seems perfectly normal to me.
More to your point, who gives a shit what she thinks I should do with my time. I think her frustration with me and my time is that she’s been stuck in a hospital bed for so long this past year that she isn’t able to be physically involved with all of her volunteer work and projects and would love to trade places with me and have her health and all that free time to do that. I get that part, so I’m not too hard on her, but still, to paraphrase Mikey from the Goonies, “this is my time, my time, down here…” I should do what I want with it and I’m sure as time goes on, I’ll get more involved. For now, I’m liking things how they are.
My wife thinks I’ve been doing better lately with the housework and not housework balance and the kids have enjoyed relaxed me too. Yeah, I’m good.
I totally agree with your steve jobs comment. Like I said before I “played at” whoever I thought I was expected to be in most situations the last 30 years that now it’s nice being me and figuring that guy out. 🙂 Good luck with figuring that out on your own. It’s definitely not easy.