Depression: A Decade in Review
When my dad killed himself in 2008, it touched off a major depression for me and I almost didn’t escape from it. It lasted over 10 years, and while I thought I dealt with it through talk therapy, due to hurtful stigmas, I avoided seeing a psychiatrist or getting on meds to help with those consistent, recurrent suicidal thoughts and ideations, and ever-present negative thoughts and feelings. I mistakenly thought that I’d be able to handle it on my own and slowly I started accepting worse and worse standards of living accepting that, “this is ok”, “these are perfectly normal and ok thoughts to think. I’m just having a hard time and will get through this. Eventually…” For me, eventually never came, and out of desperation and a “well I haven’t tried that yet” mentality I barely escaped the clutches of my depression. This is how it has affected me these last 11 years and what drove me to a seek a better place.
Suicide Destroys MANY Lives
When someone decides to take their own life, it’s usually out of a place of pain, desperation, loneliness, and more. Their focus usually isn’t towards messing up everyone else’s life, rather trying to stop the pain in theirs. At least, that’s what I tell myself because that’s how I felt when my suicidal ideations would gain traction and start forming into plans. When my dad killed himself back in 2008, it broke me. It broke me more than I knew and it took me 11 years to figure out how badly I was broken. It didn’t just break me though. It also broke my brother, sister, half-sister, his sister, his family, and like a stone tossed in the pond, the ripples keep going.
This happened about 6 months before Mrs. SSC and I got married and it broke that relationship too. It broke my relationship with the kids, or it tried very hard to. Suicide wreaks havoc with everything in its path, directly or indirectly. I knew things were bad when around the first of the year or so, I was making plans to kill myself too. I hurt, every day, all day. When I was awake, when I was at work, in meetings, hanging with Mrs. SSC, it was a pain that cut deep, and didn’t disappear no matter where I was, who I was with, how much alcohol I drank or who I talked to about it. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore so I made a plan and then waited to act on it.
My Suicide Plan
My plan was pretty simple really, just wait until Mrs. SSC goes to bed and shoot myself. Pretty straightforward, but I’d do it in a way to minimize cleanup and all of that. I mean it’s the least I could do right? Typically, Mrs. SSC goes to bed before me, and so I was waiting and waiting and waiting. She kept staying up and hanging out, and we were at like 10pm which is way past her bedtime. Maybe she could sense something was wrong, but she just didn’t go to bed. Finally, she asked me if there was anything wrong or something I wanted to talk about and I literally thought, “Fuck it, I can always do this tomorrow.” And I opened up to her and told her about my feelings and my plan that night.
We found a talk therapist for me and I saw her for the next 4.5 years, sometimes for 2x a week but mostly once a week due to insurance restrictions. In hindsight, I should’ve checked into an inpatient place for a week or so, but I didn’t think I was “that bad.” Those places are for “crazy people”. Um, wanting to kill yourself, isn’t sane, so maybe that should’ve been a clue.
Stigmas prevailed and I slogged on with talk therapy. Over that 4.5 years, we unpacked and dealt with all sorts of childhood crap, trauma, feelings, and more. It was amazing. But I never had the ever-present negativity and suicidal thoughts and ideations disappear. It was like the world’s most insidious salesman hanging out in your head every single day trying to convince you that today’s the day, you’ve had enough of this shit, and you should just do it. That was my life for over a decade.
Life Goes On, Right?
Sure, life goes one with depression, fortunately, unfortunately, but in what way, and at what quality? I self medicated with alcohol to try and get my brain to shut up. If you imagine a flood control reservoir and dam, that’s how I picture my emotional storage capacity. Essentially, my emotional reservoir was full, overflowing, and the flood gates were fully open. Due to the depression, I didn’t have emotional capacity to deal with life. I couldn’t handle anymore. So instead of dealing with emotions in a calm, responsible manner, I exploded, I snapped, I yelled. I became the worst version of myself that I could be. I wasn’t physically abusive, but emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors were what happened when I was at home. Not all the time, but enough that I got the nickname Angry Dad from the kids. Yay, parent of the year, right here folks! It’s so embarrassing, and shameful, and holy shit it just feeds the negativity that’s already there and makes a maddening shame spiral of self-defeat.
Houston was where it all came to a head. I’d had a talk therapist in LA, so I had an outlet there even if she wasn’t helping with the chemical issues in my brain. In Houston, our schedules were different, busier, and remember me saying I was slowly lowering my bar for “good quality of life”? Well, that bar hovered near the ground at this point with me accepting the daily suicidal thoughts, ideations, and constant negative chatter as “acceptable” and “the new normal.” I hated me, I hate my thoughts, my life, the dad I’d become. I was over it and after 7-8 years of feeling like this, I’m more than over it.
Fully Funded Lifestyle Change (FFLC)
During this whole depression, I should’ve been enjoying life. I mean, I graduated with a Master’s from CO School of Mines, a tough school to get into, I got hired on with a major oil company, I got married to an amazing woman and life was good. Yet I was the least happy I’d been in my life. With our FFLC revelation, I was glad to hear that, because I wasn’t planning on making it to retirement. Life sucked too much and I didn’t want anymore to do with it, who gives a shit if it’s FI or not FI? Fucking keep it, was my attitude. So, I developed my own plan. I was planning on getting our family to the FFLC point, and since Mrs. SSC was planning on keeping working, I didn’t have to worry about leaving them in a lurch financially if our planning was wrong. She will be WAY more than taken care of, the same with the kids.
I was planning to get our house in Canyon Lake built, paid off, and then check out. That would leave Mrs. SSC and the kids with $500k of house/land, more than enough money to be FI, the kids had a great start in their college funds (~$50k each then) AND I wouldn’t be around to make their lives miserable anymore. It’s a win for everyone. At least that’s what I told myself then.
New Location, Same Old Problems
When Mrs. SSC got this position in Oklahoma, I was more than okay with it. Again, she wanted to keep working now that she’s gotten into her dream job, and this would require me to quit my career, become a SAHD, and then be default parent for our new single income household. Sure, that sounds great! One caveat if I moved with the family, (yes, we discussed me not moving with the family, I mean have you read anything up until now?) was that I need to focus on my mental health and get that shit sorted. Sure, sure, I am on board with that, no problem, whatsoever. Honestly, I was on board with it because I’d hit my rock bottom, or the point that I needed to shit or get off the pot. I figured, why not try a psychiatrist, I can always kill myself later. Seriously, that’s how “normal” and present those thoughts had become in my brain. Suicide was ALWAYS an option and had been for 10 years at that point. My attitude was the same, my thoughts were the same, my suicidal ideations/thoughts were still just as present, the negativity tagged along to Oklahoma too.
DBSA, Shrinks, and Meds, Oh My!
I started going to the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) meetings here in town and found them to be helpful. Like when I attended my first Fincon and finally felt like I was with people that got me, it was the same thing at DBSA. I joke that it’s like Alcoholics Anonymous for mental health issues, we just don’t offer as many meetings. Although, I think more meetings than once a week could be a good thing, but it is what it is. I finally met other people that I could talk candidly about my depression, suicidal thoughts and more and not be judged, but also get helpful feedback and validation and support. It was amazing! Over a year later and unless I’m single parenting, out of town, or sick, I’m at my weekly DBSA meeting.
I also found a psychiatrist (shrink) and started taking an anti-depressant and lithium. My family history with mental health issues is that my dad was undiagnosed bipolar for 50+ years and only got diagnosed after his alcoholism was in full force. That didn’t help trying to get meds balanced out to work for him when they’re getting messed up with a fifth or 2 of liquor a day… My sister was diagnosed bipolar in high school and on meds until she was “better” and would stop taking them, and then wasn’t better and she went back and forth like that for years. I asked my therapist if she thought I was bipolar and always got, nope, you’re not bipolar. Ok, settled. Whew!
My psychiatrist also thought I wasn’t bipolar, rather I suffered from major depression with mixed features, meaning instead of being a bed slug when I’m depressed, I turn into an angry, bitter, asshole. Oh, joy!! What a treat! Also, since my suicidal thoughts and ideations were so present, consistent and I had no protections (things to keep you from doing it) he prescribed lithium which is also good for suppressing suicidal thoughts.
Meds To The Rescue
I won’t say all problems can be solved with the right meds, because that’s not true, nor the best way to attack any problem. However, when the problem is chemical, no amount of talk therapy can correct it. For the first time in a LONG time, I started feeling like me again! However, it didn’t come without its bumps, and rough patches. My last suicidal plan came together this past summer while on vacation. Yeah, on vacation, because that’s how this stuff works. We were in Santa Fe for the night and I had to get my steps because we had been driving most of the day. I went out to walk around this mall we were right beside and during that walk, something clicked. Something bad clicked and my brain started making plans to kill myself. I’d been “retired/sahd” for almost a year at this point. Involved in all my volunteer work, yet my brain still wants to kill me. WTF, brain!? This plan culminated in me taking $10-$15k out of one of my retirement accounts, putting it in a bank account that’s accessible overseas, and go hit a couple of bucket list places before checking out somewhere in the world. My thought was that this way, the kids and Mrs. SSC don’t have the trauma of finding me anywhere, and I can just be that dad that “left to get smokes” and is never coming back. Again, these all sound like good plans when you’re depressed.
I reached out to some PF Twitter peeps and they helped talk me off the proverbial ledge. We were all staying in one room in a hotel that night so I was sequestered to my phone in the dark much earlier than usual. After conversations with that person, thank-you person, you know who you are!! I started trying to think about this from a rational standpoint. I realized I’d probably dealt with my dad’s death the least of all the problems that got brought up in therapy. Looking back over the past 10 years, I realized that almost ALL of these issues have come up because of his suicide and how badly it broke me emotionally. While my latest suicide plan tried to ease that loss with the kids by me “disappearing”, it would still leave them with years and potentially decades of trauma and bad feelings to deal with, and I didn’t want to do that to them either.
For the first time in over 10 years, I decided that suicide wasn’t an option.
Moving Forward
Moving forward with this new life is interesting. I feel like me, like the me from back when dad was alive and I’d be looking forward to calling him later in the afternoon to catch up. The me that didn’t walk around with this interminably deep, wrenching pain in their heart for years and years and years. It has been amazing! Angry dad is gone too, and that kicks ass! The kids notice a HUGE difference in OK dad vs TX dad. I have patience, understanding and more with them. Sure, I can still get stressed with them and they can drive me crazy, just like those dang 5th graders but my emotional reservoir is only like half full all the time, so I have capacity to handle emotions, life and more without going apeshit over nothing. Mrs. SSC and I have been working to repair our relationship as well. Me being a depressed, bitter, angry, resentful asshole for our whole marriage has just done wonders for our relationship let me tell you. No, no it hasn’t. Not at all. There’s a lot there to unpack with defensive behaviors that came about as a result of my shitty mental situation and well, it hasn’t been good. We can just leave it at that.
Summary
Hindsight being 20/20 and all that I should’ve just gotten checked in to an inpatient facility and nipped this in the bud back in 2009, right? That would’ve been awesome, because all this shit wouldn’t have happened and I could have 10 years of my life back. Hell, we all could get those 10 years back. But, that’s not how life works. Life always moves forward, never looking back, and that’s what I’m doing. I can’t waste energy beating myself up for what could’ve been, or what an asshole I was this past decade, I can just move forward to try and be the person I want to be for me, the kids, and Mrs. SSC. The person that this guy was for me when he was in the “good part” of “being undiagnosed bipolar”.
I feel like I’ve got a new slate, a new start, a new life even, considering I wasn’t expecting to see 2020 with how things were going. What that will look like going forward, I don’t know, but I know suicide isn’t an option, my depression is managed right now, and I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts/ideations in over 4 months. That may not sound big, but to someone who had daily, constant suicidal thoughts/ideations for over a decade, it is ‘YUGE!!
If you’re dealing with depression, reach out! People want to help, even if you don’t believe them. You can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t want to talk to people you can go here and chat. That would’ve been SUPER handy for me back in the day. Find a local DBSA group near you. I found that super helpful for me. Please don’t let the stigma of meds or “seeing a shrink” keep you depressed. I fell victim to this one, as did Mrs. SSC, and it was super damaging to all of our lives. Had I seen a psychiatrist early on and gotten meds, I feel a LOT of this could’ve been avoided. Please, don’t make my same mistake, don’t accept that this is your new normal and that “it’s okay”. It’s not, get help and be a better you. Reach out to me if you need an ear or person to text and don’t want any judgement, I’m here. @coffeesippers for Twitter DM and I can give you my number. I’ll respond as soon as I see it. Reach out to any of your close friends too. I understand not wanting to go that route or trusting they may have different intentions, but they’ll be happy you opened up and want to help. I promise. Do whatever it takes for you to get better for yourself. Just don’t be like me.
