Last week at some point, Angela from Tread LIghtly Retire Early tweeted about giving time versus money and it reminded me of what I did with my time when I wasn’t working.
I found my time that I give is rewarded so much more in “soul currency” than money.
If I didn’t have to work, I’d be back volunteering at school, scouts, PTA , CASA, and other orgs that need volunteers.
That was my jam. I found it. I’d love to continue it. Soon… pic.twitter.com/jm7WoSxHed
Recently in the Discord group, we were talking about how just being “retired” or not having a purpose in life wasn’t very fulfilling either. Getting to a point that you can “not work” doesn’t mean the absence of work was the goal. So, what do you do to feel fulfilled? Years ago, I wrote a post about a japanese concept called “ikigai”, pronounced “icky guy”, that translates to “reason for being” or having meaning in your life. I go into it more in that post, but essentially, without some meaning or purpose to wake up for everyday, your life will be shorter and people without an ikigai reported being more unhappy than their peers with a purpose.
This brings me back to “soul currency”. I found that when I was unemployed and being a SAHD, I got lots of rewarding feelings from volunteering at the kids elementary school as a sub, Watch D.O.G., PTA, general volunteer to set up and run events, volunteer at Scouts assisting running a den, and setting up and running events, and even as a CASA, court appointed special advocate for kids in the foster system. For me, that gave me a lot to wake up and look forward to each day. IF there wasn’t anything going on with either of those things, I had my hobbies and clearing the property to look forward too. Honestly, just because I wasn’t working a 9-5 I found it was easier to get as committed or over committed without a job. Here’s why I liked doing all of that for free.
I’ve been going thru some stuff lately, I’m not sure if you all can connect with it or not. I’ve been stuck in my house, my routine has been disrupted as fuck, and I feel like a retired person! Holy hell… It’s like there’s a global pandemic going on or something… As someone who had all the greatest support networks set up, they ALL went to shit when everything hit the fan. For one reason or not, my strong, big spiderweb of support had collapsed. I felt alone.
you just feel alone
Yeah, This pandemic is doing a number on everyone. One thing I keep hearing, even from people that never talked about feelings before this, talk about how they feel anxious, or depressed, or they don’t know, but they know it’s “not their usual”. I can empathize. My life got straight flipped upside down with this whole pandemic, quarantine, dealio. Here’s how my schedule and everything got wrecked. It started with the pandemic… lol Most understated sentence of the year… First, the schools closed and unbeknownst to me at the time, my main social outlet was gone. GONE. Then, no visits, enact social distancing measures, blah-dee-blah, and now I can only see my CASA kids thru facetime. And then the CASA office closed. Scouts shut down as soon as the city placed a shelter in place order.
Literally, my whole social support network was gone in the span of a week. It reminded me of my “ikigai post” where I talk about people that have a purpose, no matter how trivial it may seem, people with a purpose report higher levels of happiness, and, AND live longer. Yikes! My ikigai was gone in a week. I miss my PTA ladies and I miss my kids elementary school. It was literally a second home for me, looking back on it. And now, nada. Well, at least there is still support through groups like DBSA (Depression, Bipolar, Support Alliance), my group therapy group for talking all that stuff other people don’t want to hear. A place to be real, honest, be heard, and not be judged. It has been an amazing outlet for me for most of the time I’ve been here.
Check on your friends. Do you have a person that you haven’t heard from in a while, or one that you think could use a text, fucking send it! Just, “Hi, thinking of you!” Or “Hi, just saying Hi!” Sure, sound stoned, they won’t care. I know I wouldn’t. I’ve gotten ghosted recently, by someone I’d have called a friend, and dude, silence suuuuuucks. Silence is the worst. Please don’t let your friends hang out in the void and deal with (gestures arms around in the air) all this shit alone.
Here’s why that sucks so badly. My support networks disappeared and my dbsa group was headed down the toilet. Thru my separation, I dropped out of group for over 2 months and didn’t hear anything from either of our facilitators. Just silence. Silence sucks…
I avoided group because our facilitators had made it more about them and less about “support” unfortunately. I just didn’t want to “be the entertainment” or deal with any over reactions as our facilitator is prone to do. Anyway, January, I posted on our private FB group what had happened and that I didn’t want to discuss it beyond that, unless I brought it up in group. My one outlet for being open and not judged now feels shut out because I feel judged there. That sucks.
Over the next few months (Feb-April), each time I went to group I left feeling more upset than when I went. I started skipping, I went to make friends in the music and songwriters scene, also on Thursday nights, so easy enough to switch, and holy hell, I started feeling a little better. Eventually I made it back to group and yep, still not good. Then Covid hit, and our group couldn’t meet either.
I figured the national chapter would have a plan and keep meetings, because “support group” and why leave people hanging out to dry now? Well, that’s what happened with our group. Any emails/texts/FB posts about meetings online, Zoom, Skype, Discord, literally anything, were met with a flat “nope, haven’t heard anything” from both of our facilitators. After talking with one of my group friends, she setup a discord server for us, and 5 of us hopped on and were amazed! Like, how was this so hard?! Connecting and catching up and letting every one know that we’re here for each other was awesome, even if it’s only 5 of us. I set up a skype meeting for us, not official, since I’m not a facilitator, and it went great, but we still wanted an actual meeting, not just an informal share. Go Figure…
Long story long, it never happened and our facilitator isn’t stable enough to cope with the roles of being a facilitator at this time. And we’re all left hanging in the wind. Just silence, except the wind blowing past us. Silence sucks.
Why such a long story for a short ending? My point is, I’m “Mr On Top Of It” when it comes to mental health, and in the space of a few weeks, ALL my outlets and support systems disappeared. No PTA ladies to talk to during the day, no CASA office peeps to hang with, volunteer and socialize with, no DBSA mental health outlet, after our insurance approved telehealth sessions with therapists, our divorce came thru and health insurance dropped retroactive to the 1st. April Fools! Lol But seriously, my new plan is catastrophic coverage, because beyond shrinks and therapists, I don’t really need doctors, yes, I know I just jinxed the rest of 2020 for me… However, Literally all my outlets were gone.
Then, because I got sick with who the hell knows what, over Spring Break, I went 5 weeks without a hug from anyone. The kids, friends, anybody. Total Sucktown…
What did I do? Well, I wallowed in the #sluglife for a solid week and a half and then realized, this isn’t sustainable.
I started back up with life and am doing things again and working on all sorts of stuff.
That’s me, I’m weird, what can I say. IDK, but I know what I can say. Don’t assume your friends that “have their shit together” have their support network. Mine were ALL gone in a matter of weeks. ALL. Gone. I started a separate FB group for those of us who want to connect since our facilitator seems to want “total authority” over how we meet outside group and has actively shut down efforts to connect during this pandemic. It’s so weird…
Check on your friends. Do you have a person that you haven’t heard from in a while, or one that you think could use a text, fucking send it! Just, Hi, thinking of you! Or Hi, just saying Hi! They won’t care. I know I wouldn’t. Recently, I’ve gotten ghosted by someone I’d have called a friend, and dude, silence suuuuuucks. Silence is the worst. Please don’t let your friends hang out in the void and deal with (gestures arms around in the air) all this shit alone.
If you feel that you’re in this alone, know that you aren’t! DM me and I’ll send you my cell # or email or whatever and we can talk, facetime, text, email, whatever it takes. Please, reach out I’m serious.
If you don’t want to reach out to me, there are national virtual dbsa meetings, they keep your name optional, diagnosis(es) optional, literally it’s designed to be a place to be heard, and not judged. Those meetings saved my life, here’s their virtual info.
They have many meeting times available, and seem to keep them fairly well updated.
If you’re dealing with a different kind of support that isn’t happening now, look at virtual AA meetings. This link has a lot of options available with multiple links to virtual meetings on this page. I know my dad probably wouldn’t have made it thru this sober, if he started off quarantining sober, without meetings. Please look into it.
Don’t forget those who may not be doing as well as you. Even for those of us that seem “on top of it” all of your support network can be gone very quickly. So, please reach out! Check on them! Fuck, just send a text, it can literally be that small of a gesture. Let them know that SOMEONE is thinking about them. If you don’t get a response, don’t worry, it’s seen and appreciated.
Let me know if you’ve had any mental health debacles during this whole pandemic… What did you do to deal with them? Any tips or places you’ve experienced that you’d like to share? Please do!
Being thrust into control of my finances again has brought up a lot of “money emotions” for me. My relationship with money is an odd one because I mostly feel dread when thinking about money. Yes, dread.
Dread:1. a) to anticipate with great apprehension or fear
b) to fear greatly
2. to feel extreme reluctance to meet or face
Yep, that pretty much nails how I feel about money.
Even just thinking about checking my bank account balance fills me with dread. I actively avoid it… I even put it on a list It’s so weird to admit, but I dislike money. My happiest was when I was at a point in my life that I didn’t have to worry about money, or even think about it at all. Mrs. SSC was more than happy to take the role over and I was more than happy to throw my finances at her and run away laughing. Which is basically what happened.
Of course I was happy to hand this over… But now, it’s just me. Eep!!
Now that control of those finances got handed back to me, it’s all nice and neat and pretty and mostly organized. I’m curious how long it stays that way. Again, I’m amazed with how some of you check your bank accounts once a day, MORE than once a day (why? Just… why?), and you track ALL of your money. Yes, I’m admitting I’m amazed how easy it seems to come for… well, basically anyone/everyone I follow in the Personal Finance Community. You guys are on it! I’m just an imposter, riding the coattails of a person that IS good with money.
That’s how I feel anyway. I have no personal finance confidence and the dread is real.
Where Did the Dread Come From?
I think “when” may be a better question than “where”, but like everything that shapes our lives, for me it was back in childhood. I had money stress before I could even work and earn money. “But how can you stress about money that early” some of you are asking and others are probably nodding in agreement. Well, I didn’t grow up in the most financially stable of environments. The phrase, “money burning a hole in your pocket” was never more applicable than with my dad. He’d get paid every other Thursday and he’d cash his check and it was like a mini-holiday, at least for that night. We’d go out to eat, and then go to the mall followed by the bookstore. Instead of focusing on priorities, for those Thursday nights at least, there was money being spent on “frivolities”.
Why did I say frivolities? Well, because typically, the Wednesday before payday, we’d be low on groceries, gas, usually very low on actual money available, and there were at least 1-2 late bills waiting to be paid. When I started noticing this, was when things would happen like the lights would be out or the electricity or water would be turned off. The ever present mechanical breakdown of the car(s) and having to sweet talk the mechanic into a payment plan because we had to have the car running. Seeing my parents stress about this and then get upset, fight, or whatever the reaction was, spilled over to me. Even then I could feel it and it was ALWAYS about money. Usually the lack thereof, or the fact it got spent on “frivolities” and not “necessities”. That was the biggest sticking point and fight topic around our house.
While I couldn’t do much about things back then, at least until I started working, I still got stressed about money. And it was the worst kind of stress because it was worrying about things out of my control. I had fuck all to do with turning a light switch and it working or not but I’ll never forget that horrid feeling of flipping a switch and nothing happens. I’m going to say my “dread” associated with money started back then.
I Money Good, Relatively Speaking… (pun definitely intended)
Coming from that sort of background, it’s not hard to be better than what you’re used to seeing. Always seeing no money around turned me into “a saver”. Meaning I didn’t immediately spend money as soon as it showed up, but I would save it. I still remember my siblings being amazed/jealous that when they wouldn’t have money, I’d always have some money. Even in Atlanta when I was living with my brother back in ’96, he’d be like, “Alright man, you ready to go out tonight?” I’d say, “Yep, let me get some cash.” And I’d duck into my room, grab some cash and walk out and he’s giving me a look like, “where the hell is he stashing that, and how does he keep coming up with money?” When I came back from that summer, I had $2500 saved, just enough to cover a whole year of college, lol.
Got those phat stacks! Of singles, lol.
Comparatively, I always saved and had “better money sense” than what I grew up with. That’s not throwing my parents under the bus, but we can all agree some people are better with money than others. As a whole, you can put ALL my family into the “not good with money” category, I was just a little better than the rest. Back then, I never liked being in debt, and would save up to buy something outright if I needed it.
Mo’ Money, Less Problems!
Finally, around 1992 or so, I could start working and what a game changer! I had so much stress relief just from being able to buy my own groceries. I started paying the bills BEFORE they got cut off. What a concept! I had some control and I still had money left over. How in the hell did my $4.25/hr job cover the bills when my parents struggled with a $40-$50k income?! Lack of discipline with spending, I guess. IDK… This was when I went from dread to anger.
I was angry about having to pay for ALL my own bills, AND help with my family’s bills. My parents had split up around 1993, but why the hell is it my responsibility to cover my mom’s financial shortcomings!? I pitched in and “helped out the family” because that was expected of me. However, my older brother never bought a tank of gas for his car, or a quart of oil, or paid for his car insurance, or paid for any repairs, or had a job, or was expected to work, or expected to buy his own clothes, or was expected to help out the family in any way whatsoever. It wasn’t fair that I got the brunt of having to deal with the stress of bills, which ones were due when, where they got paid, and all of that, but if noone else was going to do it, I could at least make my role in it suck a little less by taking control.
It’s no wonder I relate to Shameless so much, lol. BUT, that situation also gave me a pretty independent spirit. When my whole family moved out of the house when I was 17, it was actually the biggest relief in the world. First dad moved out, and then Mom, leaving the 3 of us kids basically living on our own. My brother and I eventually had a “come to Jesus talk” with mom. We told her that we can’t be effective parents to our younger sister and that she needs to, um, well, be a mom. I had been floating ALL the bills and was the only “earner” in the house, so we also asked for money. So, instead of money, she took my sis with her and shortly after my brother left to attend culinary school. In a space of 2-3 months I went from household provider to single person with only me to worry about. WHAT A RELIEF. What 17 year old wouldn’t want to be living alone? My mom’s take, “You’ll be fine. You’re strong and independent and can handle this.” Um, yeah, but SHOULD I have to handle that? For better or worse, I finally had control of everything. Yikes! No wonder I dread dealing with money so much… I mean with all that positivity surrounding it in my formative years, I don’t understand why I would dread all things money. Maybe that’s why I default to Warren Zevon a lot, “Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money! They’ll get me out of this!”
How to Overcome the Dread
I honestly don’t know how to overcome the dread because I’m 42 and it’s still lingering. Ok, that’s not true. Give me a 6 figure salary and have someone managing my money for me and there’s zero money dread. That’s not likely to happen anytime soon and I need to figure out a better relationship with money anyway. How can i expect my kids to have a good relationship with it if they see me treat it with kid gloves and act like it’s bigger than me. Yikes!
Another one of my bigger worries about chasing FIRE was a return to dealing with this “money dread”. There were many conversations had with Mrs. SSC about how we could work thru this, or how big of a problem it may be, and if it was enough of a trigger to not quit working. I hate that dreaded feeling enough that I’d honestly rather work another 5 years or more to NOT EVER have to feel it again. Maybe I will, I don’t know.
I know what I’m going to do to try and take back my negative feelings associated with money though.
First!
I’m going to look at my bank account EVERY day! Every… Stupid… Day… I’ll log into my bank and at least glance at it. No, I’ll stare at it. Then, I’ll smile at it. Yes, as dumb as that sounds, me smiling or laughing at my bank account will help. Maybe even just bullying it a bit and taunting it like, “So, you think you’re getting out of here, huh? Get spent, see the world? Well, Not Today buddy! Not! To! Day!” while I also shake my finger at it, or something like that… Who knows? I know, I’m weird. But I like keeping it “personal”, in personal finance.
Second!
Now that all the “buying of crap” for a house is mostly over, and all my other money stuff is in Mint, I can go thru and set bill reminders for myself, where I don’t have autopay setup already. I’ve already paid a couple of bills “past due” so, yes, that has happened. Instead of beating myself up about it, I can now make that dread suck just a little less by setting calendar reminders and “forgetting about it” until they need to be paid. Plus, I can see what my monthly “recurring stable budget items” are and plan for them.
Third!
I just have to remind myself it’s only money. Yes, I typed that and sent it into the PF blogosphere.
“It’s Only Money”
Yikes! What’s the point of saving money if you don’t use it to ease your life? Well, for me, there isn’t a point. That is LITERALLY the point of saving money in my opinion. Not to hoard it and collect the most, but to have it so when life goes all pear shaped, you have one less thing to worry about during those times. So, I’ll allow myself to spend that money, but just not WASTE that money. It was a lot of work saving it, so I need to treat it with respect and not piss it away. In my opinion, stressing about money whilst looking at a big pile of it just seems beyond idiotic.
Fourth!
There is no fourth item, I just wanted to type more exclamation points!!! Lol!!!!!
Summary
I don’t know how to fix my dread associated with money, but I know how I’m going to try to fix it. That’s all I can hope for, right? Find a problem, pick a solution, and try it. When that fails, try another solution until one actually solves the problem. Like I wrote previously, if I can make this problem suck just a little bit less, it is worth it. Even if it takes most of a year to get that ironed out, well, that’s progress. I went from not dealing with any bills, or any financial accounts (allowance excluded) for the last 11 years and well, now I get to relearn those skills. I sure don’t want to fall back on my usual habits that were in place back then.
When all else fails, “Send lawyers, guns, and money! They’ll get me out of this!” – Warren Zevon
As I wrote in my last post transitioning to a non-work life is hard. I think a lot of what makes it difficult is having all of that unstructured free time and figuring out what to do with it. We all have visions of early retirement and what we would do with all of that time. I know that I did and I was severely mistaken how that looked when I actually did have all that time to myself to do whatever my heart desires.
Today I’ll be talking about intentionality with your time. Like being intentional with your money, if you’re not intentional with your time it gets away from you. You can rack up all kinds of “time debts” and stress yourself out in new ways you didn’t even know existed. The beauty is that just like monetary debts, you can free yourself from these time debts by being intentional with your time. Here’s what I’ve noticed over the last 6 months and how I’ve racked up and cleared a lot of time debt with myself.
Time Debts
You’re probably asking yourself, “What the F*** are time debts?” I see time debts as things you need or want to do yet, push off for some meaningless, worthless task that distracted you. For instance, let’s say in the morning, I plan on reading blogs, commenting, and checking in with the PF (Personal Finance) community before I go do other things. Easy Peasy right? Nothing to stress about and it’s an easy task. After Mrs. SSC heads to campus at 7am, I sit on the couch and slowly sip my coffee and flip thru the news on my phone. Then I flip thru Twitter, because it’s PF related too right? I get an email pop-up and it reminds me I need to research brush hauling companies, and while I do that I get spun off researching used trucks and next thing I know, it’s an hr and a half later… I’ve done nothing of what I planned.
What I did do was create a time debt that I’m going to have to pay back to myself by taking from some other planned activity later in the day or the next day. That sounds a lot like surfing the internet or getting distracted, so what’s the big deal, right? I thought the same thing until I noticed I was adding stress into my life creating lots of these time debts. Like credit cards and student loans, they don’t magically disappear, they just compound and get bigger and bigger. Eventually, you have to pay them off. Especially like credit cards and student loans, they just add an additional background layer of stress reminding you that they’re there. I find it very annoying. How can we pay them off or avoid them altogether?
Spending Habits Apply to Time Too
I found that how I spend time is VERY correlative to how I spend money. In the past, I had no issues acquiring debt, and I would spend money like a drunken sailor. I’ve reigned it in quite a bit, but I can still spend all of my “allowance” money every month and wish there was more around. Yikes! How am I a PF blogger?! When I initially had free reign over my time, I found I also spent it very freely and very unintentionally. Actually, it was intentional, but more selfish intentional. For instance, I’d be in the yard cutting down trees, and chopping them up until the kids got home. Then I’d keep on until Mrs. SSC got home. Instead of having dinner started and time with my family, I still needed to put up tools and take a shower. I’ve not only created a big-time debt for me but also my family, because I’ve just stolen their time for me to do yard work and they have to cover dinner and other responsibilities. Damnit, now I’m a time thief?! Argh!
I found that exactly like finances and spending, I had to be intentional where I spent my time and where I was stealing time from others. Instead of having this looming feeling of guilt that I’d stolen time from the family, I could stop working by 3pm, because it will be there the next day, and be cleaned up by the time the kids get home. It sounds like a simple concept, but man, it was really hard for me to implement.
Habits are HARD to Break
I started thinking, how can I quit creating these time debts and being so sloppy and un-intentional with my time? I tried making a schedule and putting it on Google calendar but all that did was give me more things to dismiss during the day when the reminders would pop up. This wasn’t helpful for me in establishing new habits with spending time, so I gave up and quit trying. Ok, I’m kidding, I didn’t quit, I just kept trying new things. I found that using Google Calendar was good for setting schedules like kids snack day, dr appt’s, vet appt’s, school events, volunteering, training, FIRE MM’s, etc… but what about that pile of free time I had in between all of those?
How do I keep from building time debts doing stupid shit like playing phone games instead of doing something more productive and constructive? I have to be intentional about it and use discipline. Gah!! Not discipline… Why can’t it just be easy and happen without work? Well, that’s not how life works unfortunately, trust me I tried. For instance, yesterday, I walked 16,000 steps and ate an apple and I didn’t lost one pound!! So frustrating! It should all be easy, but it just isn’t. If you’re not willing to put in the work to make the change, the change won’t happen. Not with spending time currency, real currency, or trying to lose weight.
I also found that a change in mindset was needed. Instead of feeling guilty about some of the time debts I’d create for myself, I’d just acknowledge that I wasn’t a good steward of my time and work to do better. I would note what I was unintentionally spending time on and curb it. Deleting phone games is easy – thumb down, move to trash, and done. It took time, but I noticed patterns and worked to create patterns I liked better.
Track Your “Time” Spending
Time and Money are so similar, it’s eery. After realizing this, I realized I needed to track my time. What were my time thiefs, what were my time equivalent of daily $6 latte’s, or $250 monthly gym fees that aren’t being used. Paying attention to these will tell you a lot about yourself just like tracking your $$ spending will. Just like tracking $$ spending, tracking your time spending shows lots of patterns and you can use that information to adjust your schedule to something you’d want to spend your time on and not fritter it away unintentionally. It reminds me of someone that used to say, “That’s a future Mr. SSC problem”. Guess what? I’m future Mr. SSC and I still don’t want that problem.
I found that a lot of my time debts came from phones and tablets. Who would’ve thought?! Shocking, I know! I also found that I needed to set alarms on my watch so that when I’m busy into something intentional, I make sure it doesn’t bleed into stealing time from someone else. My hobbies created a lot of time debts for me with housework, groceries, dinners, etc… Like I mentioned before, seeing those patterns helped with setting boundaries and like finances, learning to better manage my time.
New Patterns Emerge
I settled on a hybrid version of a rigid schedule and calendar reminders. While I still use calendar reminders religiously, and couldn’t be effective without them, I found other things that helped me develop better time spending habits and have settled on this type of schedule.
I put things into days like, Monday’s are for cleaning, Tue/Wed/Fri is for hiking/running, and Thur is for volunteering at the kids’ school. The rest of the “free” time in those days is where I put all the other stuff like groceries, yard work, wood working, music playing, etc…
I also found that I am more of a list person. If I have a list of things that need to be done during the week, and I am MUCH better at getting them done within the “free” time frames that don’t steal time from others. I find it hard to be a set schedule person because some days I may feel like woodworking, and not cleaning. Ok, I never feel like cleaning, but I can bump it to a day that I’d rather be inside or that most of my day is chewed up with other time sucks. By being intentional, I am aware that if I bump cleaning to a different day, it will cut into hiking, which will cut into woodworking, which will bump it into the next day. I ask myself, “Is it worth it to not clean today, when it might mean I can’t do woodworking tomorrow? What am I going to do instead of cleaning that is better than woodworking and make it worth it?” I found that just framing it like this to myself helped a lot too.
Now I can keep a more fluid schedule, a list of “must-do’s” for the week, and have a general idea of what my “wants” are and be able to spend my time more effectively. Get it? Spend… Time… Groan…
Summary
Time is like money, and like money, I was not very good at managing it effectively. I racked up a lot of time debt and had to figure out how to clear it all and get into better time spending habits. I did it by tracking my spending of time, finding my time sucks and eliminating them, or at least acknowledging they are there and being aware and intentional toward any “wasted” time going towards them, and finally finding a good time management strategy that works for me. Like personal finance, your strategy will be different from mine, but I think it’s worth looking into and figuring out. I found it took a lot of background stress and noise away.
“I told Althea I was feeling lost – lacking in some direction.” This lyric by the Grateful Dead has been bouncing around my brain the last 6 months. Why the last 6 months? That’s been the amount of time since I moved from Houston to Oklahoma. The plan was that I would transition to Stay at Home Dad (SAHD)/default parent and Mrs. SSC would continue working. Why do I get to quit work and she doesn’t? Well, in short, she wants to continue teaching because she loves it, it’s her passion and it does a lot to invigorate her soul. It’s the main reason we switched from pursuing Early Retirement and started working to create our Lifestyle Change. While I loved what I did for work, I’ve written about many times before that there are always things that I’d rather be doing than working.
If you read any FIRE (Financially Independent Retire Early) blogs, eventually you’ll read, “You should retire TO something, not AWAY from something” and it’s a valid point. You don’t want to wake up retired and ask yourself, “what now?” There should be some plan in place for what you want to do with the amazing gift of free time that you just gave yourself. I had one in place, and much like our own FFLC (Fully Funded Lifestyle Change) plans, it needed to be flexible because it too has morphed quite a bit.
The Original Transition Plan
My original plans with my “free time” seemed to be pretty simple. I wanted to do more exercising/training for triathlons, more yard work/gardening, play more music, volunteer at the kids school, volunteer as a CASA, fish more, do woodworking, and homebrew more. Oh… And keep the house clean, laundry done, weekly menu planned, groceries stocked, kids bathed, dogs vet appt’s and medicines on schedule, and stay on top of home maintenance duties. Easy Peasy, right? I figured I would set up a similar schedule as Justin at Root of Good and see, there’s time for everything I want to do right there, including video games!
Here’s the thing. Major life transitions and schedule changes don’t come easily. Also, I had the first 3 months of relocating feeling chained to the house with the remote assignment I got with my company. Loved the money, hated the feeling of limbo. That threw things out of whack for a while because I felt like I wasn’t fully committed to anything. Eesh… Also, it seemed that whenever I’d start to get in a routine, something would happen and throw it out of whack. You know, life.
What Actually Happened
I think it’s easier to start with what didn’thappen with those above mentioned “wants”.
The triathlon training/exercising went out the window pretty quickly. I started running when we first moved here, but after a month or so, it dropped off.
Playing more music and learning the dobro. That is also not where I’d like it. Maybe it’s that the instruments are upstairs, but mainly, it’s just not as much of a priority as I expected it to be.
Homebrewing started okay, but I’ve only brewed 1 batch since I got here and have 1 batch on deck. Maybe I’ll do that today.
Volunteer at the kids school. They have a program called WATCH Dogs and I applied to that before school started. It took until mid-December to hear anything back and be able to start volunteering, so I say that’s a 50/50 as planned. Regardless, I couldn’t do much with it until mid-December, so it didn’t go as I planned.
Weekly menu planning. Sweet Jesus, did this crash and burn spectacularly… It’s only been this past month that I’ve been doing that more and staying on top of it. Whoopsies!
Fishing more. I did more fishing with my oldest in the last 5 months than we did most years in Houston. He’s started asking to go fishing more often and we live right by a lake. We also used to live right by a lake, but he didn’t want to go much back then.
Woodworking… Ugh, I didn’t get my bandsaw setup and put a blade on it until January. I’ll call that a fail.
Video games. Even with Red Dead Redemption 2, and Battlefield V coming out, I’ve played less than I did in Houston. Maybe less need to zone out in a game and unwind? IDK…
I did get sucked into a LOT more yard work and home maintenance than I thought. I’ve created another massive pile of brush and trees, similar to that first massive set of brush piles when we first moved in.
There’s 1 more pile of brush not pictured. SO much work…
As mentioned before, I installed 264 batts of insulation, replaced multiple electrical outlets, replaced the guts to 3 sinks and 1 toilet, vacuumed the walls, ceilings, and cabinets of the house due to the massive amount of dust present when we first moved in.
The treadmill gets used!! So much insulation, not all pictured here.
I unpacked and organized some rooms, but so many more to go (organizing, not unpacking, lol), scheduled and met with 4 different AC guys to replace furnace and AC, same with insulation peeps, carpet installers, and multiple various repairmen for things like the septic system or water softener that I won’t tackle myself. Yet… I know there are way more I didn’t mention, but you get the idea.
“I’m becoming less defined as days go by,
Fading away…
Well you might say I’m losing focus,
Kinda drifting into the abstract
In terms of how I see myself”
— NIN
In short, I didn’t know who I was, who I was supposed to be, what role I was supposed to be filling and I felt like I was doing a poor job at all of them…
Health – Don’t Forget Your Brain!
I also spent a LOT of time at Dr’s appointments it seemed. A main focus was to get my mental health in check, something I’ve wholly neglected the last 5 years and have been treating ineffectively the last 10-20 years. Exercise and occasional Serotonin boosts don’t do shit to a chemical imbalance. You know what’s made a 180 difference in my life and my families lives this past 6 months? Depression meds. Funny, how that correlation works. I wish I’d done it decades sooner but am more glad I didn’t wait decades later. Don’t be like me. It’s not a failure to admit you need to see a psychiatrist. I know it felt like it to me, but that’s just the depression talking. Trust me, that’s the single best thing I’ve done for myself and my family since I’ve had a family.
I also went to a general physician because my last full checkup was ~7 yrs ago. Turns out I’m still healthy, but follow-ups on a couple of minor issues took way more visits and time than expected because… doctors.
Essentially, even though I had a lot of “free time” it was all focused on my health and getting the house and yard where we want it. But, every time I felt that I had some things under control I’d get reminded that I was letting other things slip. D’oh!
The Current Schedule
I had a lot of calendar reminders setup to help me with everything I mentioned above that I didn’t end up actually doing, and eventually, I deleted all but a couple of those. It was just something else to dismiss when it popped up on my phone or watch.
I realized that I’m the only one in charge of my time and why not focus towards things I want to focus on? Simple, but brilliant!
I get up before 6am each day, and get the kids up, their lunches packed and ready for school, that’s the same.
I have coffee and time to slowly sip it, while I watch deer in the backyard, or check out news, or new blog posts from PF peeps.
Cold day for hiking!
Then, I do one of a few things that are “for me” things. This can be going hiking, I’ve gotten into getting out there 2-3 days a week, playing music, painting, or woodworking.
Liberal Arts
Mrs. SSC and I are also taking an oil painting class, and man, I’m digging it. I’ve never painted with oil before, but it’s fun. Very Zen and relaxing and I can see continuing that after our class ends. Plus, I keep finding cool old oak trees while I’m hiking that I take pictures of and think, “Oh, that would be a cool painting, especially in spring when the leaves are just starting to come out…”
This will be fun to paint!Looks dead but it isn’t yet. Can’t wait to see leaves on it.
Playing music hasn’t progressed as much as I’d have thought, but again, it’s just not as much a priority as I thought it would be. Things go in cycles, and it’s on an off cycle evidently. I do still play more than between Aug. – Dec. but not as much as I would’ve thought. Oh well.
Woodworking
I got my bay of the garage set up to where it’s a functioning shop now. I hung 2 new LED shop lights, a dust filter, and have it where it’s workable. I need to build a router table for my next project but have an old desktop I think I can repurpose well for that.
This was such a chore to do solo. 2’x3’x1′ thick and 60 lbs…
I’m currently finishing a banjo I began building from scratch ~7 yrs ago. I got it to the point of connecting the neck and pot and then our son was born and I let it fall by the wayside. I’m almost finished with it and hope to have it done by the weekend. So exciting!!
The dowel being fitted to the pot. It holds the neck on.Drilling the hole for the dowel. Lining it up correctly is tricky.
I got the approval from Mrs. SSC to build a shoe cubby for our entry way, so that will be the next small project and my next big project is building a wood-strip canoe. Oh yeah! Starting from scratch again with that one! Of course, I need a planer now, but that’s kind of how these things go. I can use it when I build the stand-up paddle boards next. Yeah, I found plans for those and can build my own lighter and cheaper than commercial ones. Good stuff!
SAHD Life
I’m embracing the SAHD role more and more. I’ve gotten my own schedule for groceries, Mrs. SSC and I tag team the weekly menu some weeks, others I just do it, no big whoop. I’ve gotten into a better routine for kids’ laundry, cleaning, and you know, house hold stuff.
CASA training started last week and will go another 7 weeks, so that is coming to fruition.
Volunteering at school has been great! I’ve been doing at least 1 day a week at school as a WATCH Dog and it’s been awesome getting to see the kids there during the day. I cooked some chili for a cookoff that raised $140 for a classroom and I got 2nd place! I also called Bingo for the chili/bingo night. I have been volunteering enough there that I get told, “We were excited to see you were on the schedule, thanks so much for coming in!” So yeah, that’s been great.
Summary
While the transition to SAHD hasn’t gone as planned, life has been pretty good. It could’ve been better and definitely could’ve been worse, but no complaints overall. If you’re looking to make a transition to anything, just remember it will take time to “get it right”. What you think should be “right” might not end up being that at all. Just be flexible and go with it.
A LOT has changed since my last post. First of all, I’m unemployed for the first time since I was 16 yrs old! Woohoo! Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) Lifestyle Change is now officially in full swing. Yeah!! As for the rest of what’s been going on, my last post was in early September, so there’s a lot to unpack and sort through since then.
I left this as my out of office reply…
My biggest success since we last left was getting my mental health squared away better than it has been in decades. Literally, decades. Here’s a very brief back story. When I was in 6th grade one of my good friends was tragically killed when he hit a powerline while climbing a tree. I felt responsible and went into a fairly heavy depression. It lasted the better part of a year before my parents sought help. The child psychologist recommended me to in-patient treatment if I “didn’t snap out of it soon”. After overhearing that, I started putting on the happy face and pretending everything was fine. I’ve been doing that ever since and have just been going around being whomever I’m supposed to be that day. While I’ve gotten really good at it, I’ve never gotten rid of that inner voice of shame, guilt, negativity, depression, etc… It’s just followed me around like a little devil on my shoulder trying to convince me of all sorts of bananas shit and not let me enjoy my successes. Hell, it hasn’t let me “just be” in over 29 years.
Until these past few months that is. I got proactive and started going to a depression group here in OK, pretty much since we’ve been here. I also went to see a psychiatrist to figure out what’s wrong, because clearly, I’m not fixing it on my own. With the help of my shrink and my group, I’ve had no negative self talk, depressive voice, or any of that the last few months. It’s been freaking amazing!! Why the hell I waited so long to do this, I have no idea. If any of you are struggling with depression or any mental health issue and feel like you’re stuck and can’t figure it out on your own, take that next step. I’d done therapy (talking) for 4 years in LA and it helped with a lot, but not that. If you’re struggling, try kicking it up a notch and seek different help, or any help. It has made a HUGE difference in my life. HUGE.
So Much Free Time?
My remote contract ended on the 2nd, and I was officially “free” from work. To be fair, I hadn’t done any “work” in the last month and a half. I’d made 2 trips to Houston which were all but worthless from a business standpoint. I literally flew to town to sit in a conference room and watch my team present for 30 min and I didn’t say anything, offer anything, nothing.
A lot of this the last month of “work”…
Then 3 weeks later, I flew back for an all day meeting to watch my team present 1 geology slide in a 9 slide, 10 minute long presentation. Yep. Living the dream, baby!
With all that free time, what have I been doing? Well, trying to get a volunteer gig for most of it. The Watch DOGS (Dads of Great Students) group at my kids school took applications on family night, the day before school started. Then wouldn’t submit those applications until after their WatchDOGS BBQ late September, and I still haven’t heard anything other than – here’s a link to where you can buy shirts when you’re approved. Maybe it’ll happen before Christmas, who knows… I also submitted an application at CASA and they are meeting with me Nov 16, so we’ll see how that goes.
Amazingly, even with no actual commitments, it’s super easy to see my free time frittered away every day and think, “Holy crap?! It’s 3:20 pm already?!” I’ve done very little music practicing, even less exercise, and not much outdoor anything to be honest. I’ve just been enjoying the fall and getting to wear long sleeve t-shirts and jeans again. Woohoo!! Fall!!!
Set a Schedule?
Beyond that, I’ve been trying to get on a more productive schedule. Mrs. SSC came up with a nice schedule for weekly and monthly cleaning, and I need to get on to better meal planning and having dinner ready at nights. I haven’t adapted to that part of the SAHD lifestyle yet. I’m getting there, but it’s a lot. I did go into gmail and set up some blocked-out times mostly for exercise, playing music, and cleaning. I need to add in writing as I feel like there is loads of blog fodder around me most days/weeks and I just haven’t given a f$*& lately, to be honest. Hell, I didn’t even get out a “Here’s how Fincon 18 Went Down!!” post.
That’s okay, because I’m not being critical of what I didn’t do, I’m just being happy that I’m here now, writing. Yeah, writing! And exercising, and getting into doing what I need to do, not what I should have been doing. You can’t change that anyway, so why beat yourself up over it?
Finally, I spent some of that time revamping the blog! Yeah, a new layout, fresh new look, and hopefully cleaner interface for all of you that are gracious enough to stop by and peruse the blog posts. Thanks for your support and reading. I’m working on being more consistent with writing once again and like I said, there is loads of blog fodder around here.
Fincon 18 Quick-Take
Fincon 18 was pretty awesome! Good setting, if you knew how to play Frogger, great weather for running (if you were used to the Gulf Coast weather), and a great group of attendees this year. I loved getting the soul recharge of seeing old friends that you only run into online. Just as awesome is the new friends you get to make and get to know. There were so many of those it was almost like this was my first Fincon all over again. I was deep in depression that whole week, and it took a lot to get out of my room, but once I did, man, it was an amazing 12 hrs+ of talking each day. The parties were good, but the people are what made it epic. Thanks to everyone that made it a great Fincon for me and I hoped I added as much to your experience as all of you did to mine.
Faces clipped to protect the “innocent”
Summary
Look for more posts soon on finding my ikigai, adapting to our new budget, still cleaning up the yard (now that it’s cooler, that’s started up again), DIY vs contractors, me finding paid work (whaaaa??!!!) and more. Just kidding, I’m not looking for paid work, just seeing if you’re paying attention. Anything big going on in your life lately? New changes ahead or just happened? Let me know!
I’m featuring a guest post from Mrs. COD who blogs at Changing Our Default. She is a former teacher turned stay at home mom, freelance writer, blogger, and more. She and her husband blog about their path to Financial Freedom and the changes it requires in attitude, mindset, and the habits you build up over your life. Today, Mrs. COD is talking about the double edge sword of comparison and the journey to FIRE. Take it away Mrs. COD!
Everyone knows we’re not supposed to compare ourselves with others. Comparison is such a rotten thing. It leaves you dissatisfied, jealous, joyless. Right? We shouldn’t compare our marriages, our jobs, our salaries, our possessions, our families, to anyone else’s, or we’ll resent what we’re missing.
“Love your life, not theirs.” -Rachel Cruze
Watching my kids interact provides daily evidence of the truth that comparison can indeed steal our joy. Junior COD can be perfectly content with a toy until he notices Mini COD equally content with a different toy, and suddenly, it’s ON. He wants what little bro has, and whatever he’d been playing with before pales in comparison. I mean, the other day at the pumpkin patch, they both got a tiny plastic bug toy as a prize, but they fought the rest of the day over who got the ant versus the beetle. Seriously?
I may deride these kids’ immaturity in my mind at times, but in all honesty, how different am I from them on any given day? I can be totally content with my lot in life until perusing social media and seeing something I’m missing. Even though I have a cushy life by most standards, it doesn’t always feel like enough.
In general, I totally agree with the idea of not following everyone else’s path and not being swayed by peer pressure to buy or do or think a certain way. Comparison can drag you down, for sure. It can be depressing. It can be discouraging.
But today I’d like to turn the discussion to the other side of the comparison coin: motivation. Comparison, if we use it well, can be an incredible tool in our arsenal, spurring us on to bigger and better things.
This past weekend we attended my brother-in-law’s wedding at the Isle of Palms in South Carolina. All the planning had been done by “Jill” (now his wife) so that she could cut costs where necessary and still keep the wedding affordable. We got our flights booked early enough that they weren’t exorbitant. We also split a house with Mrs. SSC’s parents and Aunt to defray those costs. As a bonus, on the weekend of the wedding I found out that the father-in-law offered to cover the housing cost. That news was a nice surprise indeed! While I was expecting a nice, modest sort of ceremony, reception, etc… because of so much talk of “keeping the wedding affordable” man, was I surprised how this “affordable wedding” fit my version of a really nice wedding. It reminded me that you see the same differences in perspective of affordable and extravagant, whether you’re talking about planning a wedding or planning for retirement and financial independence.
The destination to FIRE can seem like it’s all about getting to that endpoint, but that’s not really what it’s about right? Isn’t it more about the journey and the freedom you’re giving yourself by getting to that stage of your life? There are loads of posts about “enjoy the journey” and “we shouldn’t be focused on the end goal, we should be present”. Hell, I think my 2017 goals were to be more relaxed and present and quit worrying about the end goal. I think the best description of trying to get to FIRE, is from Maggie at Northern Expenditure when she describes it as a “sprint followed by a rest on a moving sidewalk”. I second that feeling!
So then what am I talking about with the destination being important? Well, imagine you’ve been working towards your version of FIRE and a few weeks before you hit your number you find out that, nope, that number has been moved, the dates have changed, sorry, Wally World’s Closed… That’s how I felt this past weekend when I found out my 1st Olympic triathlon that was scheduled for March 5th was bumped back to Oct. 8th. Yeah, friggin’ October! So how does this relate to personal finance, early retirement, financial independence and your own planning? Bascially, there’s only so much you can control, so how do you plan for it? I don’t know, and I’m no financial planner, but let’s discuss the similarities that I found between the sheet being pulled out from underneath me with the race and how that could happen close to reaching FI.
Welcome back everybody and I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year’s holiday! I took some time off and am back and ready to go, woohoo! There have been so many bloggers posting 2016 wrap-ups and 2017 goals I’ve just been enjoying reading them while I took a break from our blog over the holidays. In this post, we’ll discuss the state of the SSC household, what we plan to do the same and what our new plan is in 2017. Next week, we’ll be back to discussing numbers with our 2016 wrap-up and financial changes for 2017. With so much stuff to cover, we just couldn’t fit it all into one post! Well, not one post that wasn’t 4000 words long, lol.
