Articles with lifestyle change

Fowling - football Bowling

Friends, Fun, and Fowling

A couple of weekends ago I was able to attend the Econome conference in Cincinnati, and readers, it was the refresh I needed. I wouldn’t have attended this conference had it not been for Military Dollar suggesting I should attend and she was super supportive throughout the process because let me tell you. I got the ticket, booked flights, and a room, and the next thing you know life happened and I freaked out and cancelled all of those plans. After a month of debating, I decided that I was just being cheap, not frugal and I needed to attend, so I repurchased everything, lol.

Bearcat bronze statue at night

 

Finally, Friends IRL

I have to say that I’m so glad that I did because, my God, do I love the people in this personal finance space and community. From the time I landed until after the conference was over, I was reminded why I felt such a great connection with everyone I met. Everyone has such great stories about where they are on their personal journey, along with the openness and vulnerability to share that information, and also are usually more than welcome to answer questions about any of it. When I attended my first PF event, it was Fincon ’17 and I got to finally meet so many people I’d interacted with online, but this time in real life! I wrote a post titled, “I found my tribe”, because I left like I found a place that I belonged, and was welcomed. Friends, that didn’t change with future events, like Fincon ’18, and Camp FI’s that I’ve attended, and it held true with Econome.

I got to meet even more, new, online friends in person, I got to make even more, new friends, and again, it was the refresh that I needed in so many ways. I’ve been absent from the blog for a while now. Not unexpected, because who wants to read about divorce, finding yourself, post divorce life, post divorce life without a career, and figuring out life in general, in a new state? Hell, I don’t want to write about it, so I can’t imagine anyone wants to read about it. Instead of just continuing to publish those types of stories, I just shelved it and moved on. Had my, probably bluehost blog renewal happened a few weeks earlier than it came up, I would’ve probably scrapped the blog and moved on with life, being a “PF Lurker” on Twitter and calling it good. However, after talking with everyone I met over that weekend, it really did a couple of things for me that make me feel happy to remain a part of this group of people.

Why Econome Made Me Feel Happy

The first, was that it validated the feeling that, “This is okay.” Being where I am in life now is okay, and so what if I never get back to oil and gas? I loved being a petroleum geologist and I had a blast doing it, but if I don’t get back to that lifestyle, I’m okay with that, and that’s okay. I feel like the support group in Wreck It Ralph, talking about being bad guys, “I’m bad and that’s good…” While I don’t feel like a bad guy, it’s hard for me accepting that, and realizing that, and you know what? That’s okay. If I never practice as a petroleum geologist again, that will suck because I loved it, but life moves on. I have lots of other shit to explore in the meantime.

The second, was that I feel like a failure on a lot of levels. Lots of levels. While I can reassure myself, that this waves arms around head isn’t a “fail”, and I’m defined more than that relationship, and blah dee balh, blah…. Let me tell you friends, it feels like a big fail from where I sit. My second reason was because I had lots of people build me up, affirm that if that is failure, they’d like to fail like that, and more. That was good for me, because while I’ve heard that similar thing from different therapists, they’re kinda paid to be supportive and it’s like your mom telling you “You’re the best!” Are you really? So, it was nice hearing the same types of affirmation from friends, and strangers. It may seem petty, but the acceptance and validation, keeps me sticking around for more.

Finally, the other reason I’m happy that I went to Econome, was the fact that beyond feeling re-energized about life, feeling affirmation on lots of levels, and connecting with people. I also, got about 5 or 6 ideas with notes and prompts about new blog post topics that I connected with, felt passionate about and want to write about. For me, that was huge! I haven’t read very many (maybe a handful) PF articles or blogs this year, and it reminded me that sure it’s cyclical, and the same topics come up and die, and new people start and they come up and die, but usually there’s a little spin added. Even if there isn’t, it’s good keeping that stuff more in the forefront of my brain than just piddling away in the back of my brain shooing me away, saying, “no, no, we’ve got this, we’re good.” So that’s nice for me as well. A good reminder that, I don’t have all this known and down pat, and like anything, use it or lose it. It’s not the main things I need refreshers on, it’s the nuanced, fine details stuff like drawdon plans and well, I don’t have a glideslope, because I was sort of chucked off a cliff into this, so goodbye glide slope, hello, plunging freefall! lol

It’s not that crazy, but it feels like it sometimes. I heard at least 5 different topics I’d like to expand on, with the blog and provide my own take on. Because, life happens, it ebbs, it flows, sometimes you’re in the positive side and sometimes you’re on the negative side, and while I can’t say I’ve decided which side I’m on, it’s feeling pretty damn positive from where I’m sitting. It doesn’t always feel like this. Random Wednesdays when I’m home most of the day solo, working on the computer, just snuggling with Bolt and needing to hit the grocery, do laundry, put away laundry, prep school, get homework ready to get copies printed, etc… It can feel like a letdown.

Shift Your Mindset: Always to Positive

I just have to remember to shift my mindset. Don’t get stuck in the negative of whatever I’m feeling that day, but rather look at the positive. Positive mindset can affect a lot of change, and framing it as I have the freedom that I can take Wednesday off to focus on school, and snuggle with Bolt, and have Price is Right on in the background, as filler noise, entertainment and a time keeper to know when I should get ready to pause and hit the grocery or go walk or jog or do something else. That’s freedom. Being able to show up to work or not and having the financial flexibilty to also support that is amazing.

Those 3 things alone would have made it worth it for me, but then one of the better aspect of this conference over other conference style events, is that Sunday was essentially down time, and created for socialization. The structure was setup, so that you didn’t have to choose between hanging out and continuing to socialize with friends, or miss a talk, like how other conferences are usually structured. That was awesome! I got inroduced to the wonderful world of Fowling, where you throw footballs (overhand, not like rolling them) at bowling pins. It sounds easy, but man, was it harder than it looked. It was definitely fun though and provided more opportunities to meet and talk with other conference goers, and I got to meet 4 new people during that event. Then head to another bar after that, and I met even more new people! What a great conference. If you have the opportunity, I recommend it. Although the next one isn’t until Spring 2023, so, plan ahead. Far ahead, lol.

Fowling - football Bowling

Summary

I needed an event like Econome to go and reconnect with old friends, and find new friends, and get excited about this Lifestyle Change again. It wasn’t how I planned at all, but damnit, it’s mine and I’m kind of settling into it. Thanks, friends! Thnks old friends, thanks new friends, and thanks everyone that’s been there supporting me on the way whether I knew it or not. I appreciate it and am glad to have been active here and met you, whether in person or online. It’s been great and thanks!

Do you find yourself needing events like this to reenergize you about your hobby, passion, lifestyle interest? How does it work for you? Have you been to a PF conference sort of event? What did you think about it? I’d love to hear about it below!

Embracing Life

This time last year, I was talking about trying to get on board with the MFLC and figure life out from there. I had some things I was working on and damn if I haven’t gotten any to fruition. It seems frustrating and it can be, but if you remember my post from last week, about life being overwhelming, I’m working on how to get this overwhleming feeling tamed. I feel like I’m way further along with some of the projects and not so far along with others. More importantly, I’m leaning into this whole underemployed aspect of my current lifestyle. I’m trying to not stress day to day about working or not working. Even though every day unemployed is another day on my ever growing resume gap. Sure, I’m adjunct teaching, and maybe that will help, but I haven’t worked in oil and gas since Nov 2018. Yikes, now that’s a resume gap. I’ve been poring over LinkedIn and other venues for positions, and there seem to be a few more geologists positions opening up, still mostly in Houston. The hiring for the construction aspect of oil and gas, and mudloggers, and service industry folks is really picking up though, so I’m optimistic that geology hiring will start in full swing soon. Of course, Conoco just had a big layoff a couple of weeks ago, so that’s still happening as well. Here’s what’s been going on with me.

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Do You Take Payment in Soul Currency?

Last week at some point, Angela from Tread LIghtly Retire Early tweeted about giving time versus money and it reminded me of what I did with my time when I wasn’t working.

Recently in the Discord group, we were talking about how just being “retired” or not having a purpose in life wasn’t very fulfilling either. Getting to a point that you can “not work” doesn’t mean the absence of work was the goal. So, what do you do to feel fulfilled? Years ago, I wrote a post about a japanese concept called “ikigai”, pronounced “icky guy”, that translates to “reason for being” or having meaning in your life. I go into it more in that post, but essentially, without some meaning or purpose to wake up for everyday, your life will be shorter and people without an ikigai reported being more unhappy than their peers with a purpose.

This brings me back to “soul currency”. I found that when I was unemployed and being a SAHD, I got lots of rewarding feelings from volunteering at the kids elementary school as a sub, Watch D.O.G., PTA, general volunteer to set up and run events, volunteer at Scouts assisting running a den, and setting up and running events, and even as a CASA, court appointed special advocate for kids in the foster system. For me, that gave me a lot to wake up and look forward to each day. IF there wasn’t anything going on with either of those things, I had my hobbies and clearing the property to look forward too. Honestly, just because I wasn’t working a 9-5 I found it was easier to get as committed or over committed without a job. Here’s why I liked doing all of that for free.

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What to Do, What to Do?

With all of this change that’s come about in the past couple of years, I figured I should revisit the “plan” since my retirement and savings got halved. I can’t say there are many complaints, considering how much we’d saved, so my half is a nice chunk of change. I guess my biggest complaint is finding out that the ex wanted to separate 10 months after we moved, and I quit my job and turned down a promotion to support her career. 10 months… 10 months… That seems like a time period where those feelings didn’t just pop up during those 10 months, but that’s more of a discussion for my therapist, which reminds me that I need to find a new one. To be fair, the ex did say, lets get a therapist and then if it doesn’t change, we should separate by the end of the year, which was 4 months away… So at least there was that concession, lol.

Since then, I’ve used my money to buy 5 acres, and a house. I was looking at building a house on that 5 acres until I heard from my ex that she could be moving to town, maybe in 10 years, maybe after she gets tenure, maybe sooner. Update, she moves to town in 3 weeks, so I’m glad I’m not in the middle of building a property 10 miles outside of town. I’m in the middle of getting a driveway built on the property and ultimately want to build an escape cabin out there. Nothing crazy, just a little log cabin or shipping container type home that I can go spend weekends in, and take the kids out to and enjoy time in the woods.

All of this to say, that things have changed significantly, so I wanted to see how well my retirement was looking. I like using cfiresim, for simulating retirement scenarios. When I researched some random retirement calculators back in 2017, Market Watch actually had a pretty decent one as well. I revisited cfiresim and this is what I came up with.

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Time To Move On, Again…

Last year was one for the record books in so many ways. And literally, one for the record books in so many ways that none of us want to remember. For me, it was the first time since I was 15 that I was unemployed. Like for real unemployed, not quitting my job in hopes of a better life with the family, type of unemployed. I had lots of ideas for what to do to move forward with income, I put together 5 different business plans, and had a lot of things that sounded good end up not looking so great when you look at the numbers. Yikes! I’ve seen more than a handful of people start an fail at the same restaurant I worked at in KY for almost 5 years. I knew how quickly you could burn thru cash with nothing to show for it. On top of that, the oil industry was already in a downturn. Massive layoffs, companies filing for bankruptcy, a petroleum geologist job was not to be found anywhere and it only got worse as the year went on. Not wanting to burn through all my savings and THEN end up feeling stuck and without money, I decided to get a job. A job at the DEpt of Human Services and friends, let me tell you. It was an experience…

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Perspective Affects Everything

Just because something does or doesn’t happen to you doesn’t necessarily mean that it doesn’t occur. The best example of this is the latest conversation that I had with my brother. For example, my whole life I felt like he, my sister and my mom had this strange close bond between each other and I was excluded because “I was like dad”. My mom is an artist and has been an art teacher and always tried to be an artist in her free time. My brother and sister seemed to fall into that easily and could draw, paint, etc, fairly easily and do it well. Dad was a musician and played the trumpet and piano and had a music scholarship for college at WKU. Due to Vietnam, and family issues, he ended up not drafted and working at the phone company as an outside lineman for his entire career. 33 years, ultimately. 33 years… 🤯

During that time, he married, had a daughter, divorced, remarried, and had 3 more kids, me being the middle kid of that second crew. He and I seemed to be like a spitting image of each other, in so many ways. We talked constantly, could have a conversation with a fencepost, I’m sure Josh Overmeyer could attest to that fact. The biggest thing was that I saw dad as my confidant, my friend, someone I could talk to and trust with my feelings. But it wasn’t always like that.

Dad playing air piano at his Christmas party

Hate Takes Energy. LOTS of Energy

There was a time I didn’t like him and there was a time I hated him. Like actively spent energy on hating him. And if you’ve ever really hated anyone, holy shit, it takes a LOT of energy. A LOT. After about 18 months, I realized that he wasn’t worth the energy it took to hating him. It took more energy to dislike him than if I just didn’t care. That’s a sobering thought. When someone doesn’t even seem to be worth enough energy to care about. 😳

But there I was. Enter my ex stepmom. She wanted all of us to come together and well, she succeeded. I eventually told dad that I could wipe the slate clean and move forward from here on but it wasn’t baseball, there weren’t 3 strikes, he got 1. Just 1. But I’d be willing to start there if he was. And he was more than excited to have a chance and off we went. From there, it was one of the stronger adult relationships I’ve ever had. We talked often, usually a couple times a week and if it went less than 2 hrs it was shocking, lol. We’re both talkers, so content was never an issue. But we’d be open and vulnerable and share life with each other and that was what I loved and enjoyed.

A much younger Mr. SSC and Dad hiking on Father’s Day.

Reconciliation Works

It’s scary and hard to trust someone with your feelings. Really scary. That’s why when people find that someone they usually marry them and spend their lives together. And I’m not saying I wanted to marry dad, rather that connection with anyone is special, regardless of how they came into your life. One of my greatest supporters in my life now is a friend I’ve had since 🤷🏻‍♂️ 2010 or so? But I can tell him my feelings, good and bad, how life is going (for real) and not ever think I’ll be judged, but rather supported, accepted and asked how they can help to make life better. That’s a friend, and what I had with dad for the last 8-10 yrs of our relationship.

Things are never the same for you as other people. As we’ve seen over the past year and longer, that just because things don’t happen to you doesn’t mean that they don’t happen to other people. I should’ve known this but even I was blinded to that fact. While I was able to make amends and ultimately have a good relationship with my dad, I didn’t consider that my siblings couldn’t so the same. To be fair, my relationship with my mom was toxic. Imagine loving someone and constantly feeling they keep you at arm’s length and don’t even acknowledge you’re in their top 10 of important things in life, and that’s my mom. My therapists both in LA and OK pointed this out, and this is why I was so comfortable with my ex wife, let’s call her Mabel, because emotionally, Mabel was the same emotional relationship I was comfortable with having grown up with my mom. No physical relationship, love is on their terms and there isn’t any way I felt loved, unless they “allowed it”. Super controlling in every way, but especially emotionally. When my OK therapist brought this up, I was like 🤯OMG… Yeah, that tracks.🤯

Nothing is Unique

What I’d didn’t expect was that my situation was unique. After talking with my brother this evening, I found out that I’m not unique, no one is unique, and life and poor parenting cam happen to anyone. Much like my mom was toxic to me, he never knew anyone beyond “the asshole” that was my dad. We talked and I was like, well growing up there was “the asshole” and then there was “Pat” the neutral version of dad. Not mean but not nice. My brother said he never knew anyone but the asshole. No “Pat”, no “dad” just the asshole. Always. There was never any connection as a friend or confidant or even parent. It blew my mind. How is it that this person I could share with and be so intimate with and be so supported by, be nothing more than an asshole to my sibling who was in the same situation?! I was lost.

Then I started thinking about my relationship with mom. She was a very talented artist with pottery, charcoal drawing, pastels, and watercolor and my brother and sister picked up on that immediately, it seemed. They were all talented in that respect and while I might be able to draw 2d better than most,it sucks compared to them. 😂 They had this incomparable bond and art seemed to be it. I always felt on the outside with those 3.

I just never realized that it went both ways. Because I felt ostracized with my siblings and mom, and more so because “you’re just like dad” and noone liked dad, well, it made sense that if dad asked me to hang out, it beat the shit out of being around that environment. Seriously, it felt like a “you’re with us or against us and we’ve already decided you’re against us” sort of thing. So when dad would go out to have coffee with his HAM radio buddies on the weekend hell yeah I’d go. I learned to talk to all kinds of people. I asked questions and learned all about how to solder, make radios, electrical engineering (very minor for sure) but if I asked questions (which I did A LOT) they were more than happy to answer. And I got to spend time with dad. And we’d go hiking together or spend time together in other ways but mostly it revolved around HAM radio.

Again, even with this seemingly solid foundation, remember this is still a person with undiagnosed bipolar disorder that was self medicating with “not alcohol” at that time so he was still an asshole to deal with. Or rather he was dad, and was “moody” “disruptive” “explosive” or more. Her could also be loving, kind, and hugged me more than any person I’ve met to date but he wasn’t without his faults.

Jealousy Sucks: In Every Way

While I had this seemingly “great” relationship with dad, my siblings saw it as we were tight and they just got treated like an afterthought because he was “the asshole”. And it sucks, because I’m like, sure me and dad didn’t get close until college but when we did, damn, he was my closest friend in the world. Literally, my best friend. We supported each other as best we could and we got each other and didn’t judge each other or anything.

But I get it. They felt that same strong relationship with mom but for me… Mom was toxic. I felt and she confirmed through action that I was the last thing on mom’s to do list each day. She’d get off work at 5pm and I’d get picked up between 7-9pm before she’d head out of town to the house. Literally, I was THE LAST thing on her list of stuff to do. As I progressed thru life, that never changed but became more amplified. At one point she was moving from New Orleans to Nashvegas and I went down to Slidell to help load stuff. She started crying at some point and I asked why and she replied that she was going to miss “her kids” so much and being so far away was going to be hard. I was kind of stunned because “her kids” she’d known for less than an academic year at that point, meanwhile her literal son and only grandson had lived within 30 min from her for the last 18 months and she’d never come up to visit once. Literally, visits were when I tried to get them to happen and seek validation for, idk but that’s what I wanted back then. Acceptance, confirmation I was doing great, and love. Just love. And nothing. I got nothing. When she said that statement, it validated all my feelings and all that I’d felt over the last few decades of not even being enough. To not be enough, I’d have to be noticed. You can’t be less than, when you’re not even noticed. While I’d like to say that was the end of my relationship with my mom it wasn’t. It went on for another 4 yrs until I was in Texas. Until finally, I was able to say that I deserved better than that.

I just never realized my brother could’ve been feeling the same with my dad. I know he called him Pat (his name’ish) since the divorce, I just figured it was a male dominance, “you’re not my dad” sort of thing. I never knew it was that it was the least aggressive way to address him by also letting him know that “yeah, you’re done here”.

Summary

So, yeah. That’s my story of growing up with my parents and siblings. Rather, that’s one aspect of that whole godawfulness that was my childhood. 😆 I loved my dad, and I’m glad I got to know him and we became such friends and companions and confidants later in life. I’m sad for my brother that he never had that or got to see that side of dad. He was awesome. For me. He was supportive. For me. He was my best friend. For me. I still miss him. A lot.

I hope that my mom is as good as a support that I got from dad to my brother as my dad was for me. My brother and mom are super close. Always have been, and will be until they die. And I’m sad I don’t have that relationship, but I’m ok with it too. I cut my mom out of my life , idk, 5 yrs ago now? It’s been one of the better things for my mental health but it still sucks not having a relationship with a parent. Even when you know it’s toxic to you, it still sucks. Amd knowing how strong my dad’s relationship with me was and how much positivity it added to my life, I hope he’s getting the same from mom.

It’s just amazing to me, how disparate our perspectives are and yet we grew up in the same space, with the same people, and we actually felt supported and disliked/not even acknowledged by the other parent. Just… Wow…

I don’t know what the point of all of this story is other than, be empathetic. When hearing others stories, know there aren’t just 2 sides, there are at least 6 sides whether you recognize the other 4 sides at the time or not. Everything is more complicated than we make it seem to be, whether you acknowledge that it IS or isn’t more complicated. Your validation of a situation doesn’t make it any more or less real. That situation exists whether you decide to validate it or not.

In the end, be nice. Be caring and be open to other views than your own. Just because you also existed in the same time and space as someone else DOES NOT mean you experienced the same thing.

Have you ever experienced this? Do you have a sibling, ex, anything that sees things a totally different way but you both “lived thru the same experience”? Any thoughts on how it was different for them? I’d love to hear about it.

 

12 Money Tips for the Newly Single

Today’s post, is a guest post from Anne at UniqueGifter.com. Anne loves finding the perfect gift idea that’s on budget. She has been writing about gift giving and personal finance online since 2012, as owner of  UniqueGifter.com. Her favourite beverage is champagne and she loves figure skating, even if it’s harder now that she’s not 20!

As someone that has become single recently, I have done a lot of the things that she talks about below. Now that I am reminded, I should probably follow up with the few that I haven’t done yet. Without further ado, take it away Anne!

 

Even if it’s for the best, ending a relationship can hurt in so many different ways. While most people are discussing the emotional fallout, which alone can be bad enough, conversations around the financial repercussions when ending a relationship aren’t as popular. Hopefully these money tips for the newly single will help you find your footing as you step into this new stage of life.

 

My Best Money Tips for the Newly Single

The challenges someone who’s newly single faces depends on the financial entanglement they had with their ex partner. Whether or not they lost money separating from them or took on any extra debt in the process also has a big effect on their immediate finances. For example, a couple who’s dating might just go their separate ways and be done with each other, but a married couple will have a lot more to split up.

If you’re leaving a long term relationship or marriage, and especially if there’s kids involved, it can be financially complex when you become newly single. Here’s some tips and things to keep in mind as you navigate your money post break up.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

 

Change all your passwords and security questions

When you’re in a relationship with someone for a long time you get to know each other pretty well. That trust usually extends to sharing your passwords or at least leaving them out in the open. On top of that, they probably know enough about you to guess your security questions to do a password reset.

While your ex is probably not going to do anything even if they have your password, it’s always better to be safe when it comes to internet security. You should also force any banking websites or apps to log out of all devices, too.

 

Make a detailed list of your debt and assets

Identify what’s shared and what belongs to just you. That way you have it to reference as you sort life out and divide things up with your ex. If a lawyer’s involved or you’re going through a divorce you’re going to need all this information, but it’s good to have under any circumstances.

 

Open up a separate bank account

If you haven’t already, open yourself up a separate bank account that’s just in your name. Do this even if you haven’t physically separated from your ex or are just in the early stages of splitting up. Start moving over all your deposits and bill payments to your new account.

It’s also important to save a backup of any transactions or other information you might need from your joint account, too. Especially if you’ll need those for your taxes.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Get a hold of your physical records

If you have any financial records including past tax returns, make sure to get those when you and your partner split up. If that’s not possible, speak to a lawyer or request copies as soon as possible.

If you run a home business or have other expenss you need to claim on your taxes, make sure to get copies of bills and receipts (both currently and from the past six years) in case you get audited.

 

Keep an eye on your credit and credit score

If you have shared credit cards, move towards cancelling those and opening up separate accounts. You should also revoke any secondary card privileges on accounts in your name, too. You might even want to consider changing your credit card number if you’re worried your ex might use your credit.

For any shared credit, work with your ex to have a plan in place to make those payments. If your name is on it you could not only be liable for the payments, but also the damage to your credit rating if it goes to collections.

 

Build new credit

On the other hand, some people leave relationships with little or no credit history at all. If your spouse was the breadwinner, you might not have had much credit in your name to begin with. Start as soon as you can to build your credit rating up, even if that means getting a credit card with a small limit. Just make sure you use it and pay it off in full every month to avoid interest or debt.

 

Make a new budget

Now that you’ve found yourself newly single, you’ll probably need to reevaluate your budget. Add in all the new or different expenses and income that have incurred. The most common things here are changes to your housing costs, your transportation if you changed vehicles or moved, and any spousal or child support coming in or going out.

If you’ve never made a budget before make sure you include all your income and expenses. Don’t leave anything out or it’s not going to work! If you have children, make realistic budgets for things like kid’s gifts and do not get sucked into “buying their love” and trying to outdo your ex on holidays.

Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Update your financial goals

Along with your new budget, being single means your financial goals have probably shifted too. You have to plan for a future that doesn’t include your ex, and that alone means things are different. You might not have the same income, but you’re only saving for your own retirement now.

Figure out some of your immediate goals and set some long term plans up so you can get your finances on track. The best way to start is by opening a savings account and setting whatever you can aside for an emergency fund.

 

Update your insurance policies

Chances are your ex was your benefactor for any life insurance policies you had set up. Now that you’re single, it’s time to update that with a trusted relative or even your children. It’s also a good idea to make sure your ex isn’t included on any other policies, either. Everywhere is different, but if your ex makes a claim in your name or on a joint plan it could affect your insurance rates.

If you had insurance combined with your ex, or through their work, you’ll also need to apply for your own policies. This goes for life, disability, health, or any other benefits you might have shared.

 

Remove your ex from any shared utility plans

Just like with your insurance, even a shared cell phone plan can get you into trouble. There’s nothing stopping your ex from not paying a shared plan and you’ll be responsible. Even a simple oversight on their part could lead to trouble on your end. Make a list of everything that’s shared and work with your ex to create new accounts.

This is also a good time to make sure none of your ex’s payments are coming out of your account. Double check for things like streaming subscriptions, automatic bill payments, etc.

 

Ask for help

If you’re breaking up from a serious or long-term relationship, you’ll likely have been living together for some time. When you break up, that also means dividing up all the stuff you bought together. For many people, this is almost like moving out for the first time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to put out requests on social media for cheap or free hand me downs. It can save you a lot of money during an already expensive time.

Then, as money permits, you can upgrade those freebies and pass them on to someone else in need.

 

Try and stay positive

A big life change like becoming newly single is tough on your wallet. It’s quite possible, and probably likely, that you’ll be set back a bit when it comes to your financial goals. That’s OK! The most important thing right now is to get through this and work on getting back on track after you’ve adjusted to your new life. If you follow these money tips for the newly single you’ll at least be on the right path to financial recovery.

Guest Post by: Anne at uniquegifter.com

Anne@uniquegifter.com

 

2020: In the Bag!

Whew, it felt like we just started this year and it’s finally, holy shit! It’s still, April!?!? Whoa… I don’t know if the rest of you feel that time has lost all sense of relevance and has been distorted recently. I know I have. It reminds me of the scene in the Jerk where Steve Martin’s character is talking about time distortion…

Navin Johnson: (Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps) I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day, you went to see your mother and that just seemed like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down but can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Yep, it’s been like that around here. Kind of crazy if you think about it, how time gets distorted.

For me, it’s been a slap in the face of what “traditional retirement” would look like. I didn’t realize how much time I spent at the kids school, and the CASA office until they shut down. And holy hell, did I turn into the old guy just puttering around the house, talking to his little dog about the government, politics, and the weather… Yikes! Seriously, I turned “retired” really quickly! The first week or so was super productive. Then I went into #sluglife mode for a week and a half. Mostly, I was dealing with mild depression and apathy for life, and went with it. That burnt me out on tv, lol. Then I decided I needed to be more productive. Between the divorce, trying to start a new business, and all the projects I had from before, I have a lot to do.

Read More…

Hello, MFLC! Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change

There has been a lot going on lately around here. Between the separation, figuring out life, figuring out finances, figuring out new income sources… It’s a lot to take in, let me tell you. I’ve felt overwhelmed, underwhelmed, like I’m drowning financially, and also feeling at times like I’m sort of safe in my little lifeboat floating above it all on a calm sea just watching storm clouds building in the distance. To be honest, that last statement sums up how all of this “new phase of life” has felt for me. There are worst places to be in in SO many ways, but my Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change (MFLC) has helped create that lifeboat and let me decide how to deal with those storms building in the distance.

Storms on the horizon…

I’m really fortunate to be in a really, really, good place financially (all thanks to Mrs. SSC, thank-you Mrs. SSC!!) and this is what I’ve done with that freedom.

Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change, MFLC

With all changes come new acronyms! MFLC, Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change, is where I am. Am I FI? Hahahahahaha, no. Am I really well off financially? Hell to the yeah!! Am I still “retired”? I honestly don’t know that I ever was, but I’m not exactly looking for permanent full time work, except for when I am. More on that later. My financial reality stays grounded with my friends and people around me, unlike PF Twitter where I’d be “a failure”, “a retirement fraud”, “SAHD doesn’t count as retiring”, “I money poorly” and more of the usual helpful (read shaming, not helpful) stuff that tends to make the rounds in the Twitterverse. I’m not saying it’s all like this, but lord knows there’s plenty out there to go around, lol.

To start, it has been a major relief being as financially stable as I am, even with this life upheaval. I can’t imagine my mental state and levels of anxiety if I didn’t have such a nice cushion to fall back on, draw from, look at to ease my anxiety and more. While this is nice, I realize not everyone is as fortunate to be in this position, so I try to stay grounded to that reality.

By staying grounded I mean, in the span of 6 months, it seems almost everyone I know that has been debating leaving their current living situation, finding a new partner, or getting a divorce has made movement towards that and they have been finding their footing just like me. Unlike me, they don’t all have a shitload of money set aside to be able to relax and figure out what they would “like” to do. They’ve been scrambling to save up enough money to move out on their own, figure out new budgets, etc…

Money: The Cause of and Solution to Most of Life’s Problems

We’ve, my friends and I in this sort of situation, had lots of talks around that topic because it is triggering as hell when your mental space is almost 100% occupied with money worries. I’ve written about it, and how I get triggered even being in my current financial situation. It’s real, and if you’ve never been triggered by money stress, count your blessings that you’ve lived a very fortunate life so far. Not everyone’s that lucky, so I’ve helped where I can. Besides giving my tips to reducing my money anxiety, I’ve also introduced the group to helpful apps like Acorns, Mint, YNAB, and more, although the cost for YNAB is out of reach for some. Yes, that’s the level of income and financial security they’re dealing with. It helps me feel grateful and fortunate for my current position in life, because I know I can be back there in no time with a few poor decisions here and there. I’ve also introduced those interested in budgeting tools, blogs, and more to help with their situations and help alleviate money stresses.

Being active with them and other friends going through similar life upheavals and transitions has given me a constant appreciation for where I am and being fortunate enough to have the time and capital to look into creating a passive income stream and not desperately “looking for any J-O-B” to cover the immediate bills.

…I’m not exactly looking for permanent full time work, except for when I am…

Life. It Keeps on Moving. Always…

I can’t believe it’s almost March. March! What the hell!? Where did the first 2 months of the year go? It went by the wayside if you weren’t paying attention or doing anything productive. I was being productive, although at times it sure didn’t feel like it. At other times I felt like I need to slow this train down, sort of like this current week. I feel like this morning is the first day to take a breath and relax. By relax, I mean I have 283 steps since waking up this morning because I’ve been at the computer catching up. I’ve been emailing with students about a project, tidying up my Canvas material, reviewing/editing upcoming lecture material/in-class work/homework/reading, researching entrepreneur possibilities, commercial space rental prices, and more…

I finally had a month where I didn’t feel like I was buying new/used everything to stock a house/apartment. So, I can finally figure out what my monthly occurring expenses are and create a financial plan, budget and outlook for 2020! OMG… I just typed “create a financial plan, budget, AND outlook for 2020!!” And I’m going to do it! I think that even though I get triggered by money stresses and anxieties, doing little things to ease these anxieties really helps me out a lot. One of those things is applying to jobs like Oprah giving out cars.

Ugh, not a J-O-B…

My level of “income needed” is pretty low currently. I currently have zero debt, and just monthly rolling financial obligations. This is amazing because it opens up WAY more opportunities than if my Lifestyle needed the level of support that the Oil and Gas salary would provide. And let’s just say, Thank the sweet baby Jesus for that, because oil prices are in the toilet and no one is hiring. Or rather, no one in O&G in OK is hiring.

Some would call this “under-employed” to which I would reply, “Yes. Yes I am. That was the point of our Lifestyle Change. I would leave my career, which involved turning down a promotion, and supporting Mrs. SSC in her new career, while transitioning to being the SAHD/Default parent. It is exactly what that means, underemployed.” Personally, I don’t want to be “adequately employed” or whatever is a level above under-employed, lol. That was literally the concept of our Lifestyle Change.

I miss this view…

This means I can look for more meaningful work, meaningful to me as a human, not my bank account, because we all know social work pays about as well as substitute teaching. I’m still holding out for the CASA supervisor position, it is still in the pipeline but based on numbers alone, at least 1 new supervisor will be needed if only PT, but most likely, would be FT or turn into FT quickly. That would solve lots of problems and I’d get to work with people I like and get along with and feel like I’m helping the community at the same time.

What About Health Insurance?

Yeah… The elephant in the room, am I right? Currently, I am on Mrs. SSC’s insurance as were still married and she’s very nice. In our last discussions, she was going to leave me on it as long as possible, or until I do something dumb to irritate her enough to take me off of it. This is my biggest fincancial worry. Without health insurance covered by a job, my out of pocket would double my yearly income needed, for the most basic of plans.

I can’t say I didn’t expect this, but I am definitely kicking that can down the road as long as possible. Yay for having one of the most broken, expensive health care systems in the world. If I didn’t have kids, I’d be interviewing for one of those “go teach English in China for a year” type of positions, Wuhan province would be on my “no list”, lol. I would have no issue with becoming an expat for a bit and dealing with life as a global citizen, but since I’m tied to OK for the next 12-15 years I’m also tied the shittiest health care system ever. Yay ‘Merica…

Needless to say I currently have no good plan for health insurance beyond self-funding medical costs, (note to self: please don’t get seriously injured or sick during this time), applying to be a student and getting student insurance (yes, this would be cheaper than buying a private health plan – stupid backwards country…), or getting something thru ACA or private insurance market.

Beyond “J-O-B’s”

I’ve also been researching multiple other income streams. These range widely in scope, startup capital required, and more. The list of potential ideas now includes:

Rental Properties

Medical Marijuana Dispensary

Medical Marijuana Grower

Micro/Nano Brewery

CASA Related Venture

Brewery Tours

These all have their own pros and cons which I’ve been working on researching over the past few months. Look for a more detailed comparison of these ideas in a later post. Currently, I can’t do much until the divorce is finalized and I get access to my share of the assets. Until then, affidavits dictate no selling, hiding, being shady, etc… with the assets to ensure everyone is being treated equitably in splitting up said assets. Yay, life!

That’s about it on updates and more from me. Life is moving, always moving and I feel like for the first time since December, I am sort of, kind of, getting a grasp on the new Lifestyle. It’s different and has it’s own challenges and opportunities. I’m more excited about what’s to come in many, many ways, more than focusing on the negatives of this situation, and that is a big win for me!

 

 

Our Lifestyle’s Changing! Again…

In my last post I was talking about dealing with depression the last decade or more and how even though I used talk therapy and thought I’d dealt with it head on, it didn’t really work out that way in hindsight. Depression is a hell of a thing and leaves a massive path of havoc in its wake. Well, my experience is no different. There have been messed up relationships with me and the kids – I was known as “Angry Dad” back in Texas – there have been messed up relationships with family and it has just wreaked havoc on my life the last 11 yrs or so. Despite our best efforts holding our relationship together thru all of that turmoil and more, ultimately, Mrs. SSC and I are separating.

Puts a new spin on this tweet, huh?

Mrs. SSC

I can honestly say I haven’t met one person as impactful on my life as Mrs. SSC. She turned me around to become a better person, a better version of me, even while struggling thru my depression. She set our family up very, very, well in life financially and I wouldn’t even be involved in this community if it wasn’t for her. While I was the one that took to it like a fish in water, she was the one that introduced me to the PF community, FIRE – I still don’t want to live off $26k/yr – and put us in the position to let me be a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) the last 15 months.

She’s been truly amazing for me and without her I have no doubt that I wouldn’t here to write this. She’s done a lot for me and my life in ways I won’t even go into. For that I am truly thankful. Thank-you so much.

Slowly Sipping Coffee

The blog will continue on. I’ll revamp some of it since it’s just me now but there’s a whole shit ton of stuff for me to unpack (pun intended), sort through, and figure out moving forward. All of this will be amazing blog fodder, a great place for me to work thru things as well, and will have a lot more interesting reads than loads of Twitter pics of “lumberjacking”, snake wrangling, spider herding, and more!

Missed the house completely!

 

Typical OK fauna.

She’s hibernating quite peacefully. Not dead. Not that peaceful, lol.

There will be fun posts like, “But I don’t want to get a job” followed up with, “So, I got a job ☹” or, “I need a doc, my passive income stream won’t start!” followed by, “Maybe I need a urologist, because my passive income stream keeps stopping and starting…” Whatever comes of life, you can be sure I’ll put most of it on here. 😊

Me – Jay – Mr. SSC

Well, now that my lifestyle is different, I’ve got to figure out life. I have plenty of ideas of what to do for passive income or other income streams, those will be in a future post, and what to do with life in general. I really like the life I have right now with volunteering, subbing (yes, even subbing), CASA (I’m about to get a new case), and Scouts. It has been nice and I like the freedom to go to the kids fieldtrips, their school, see them during the day, sub for their class (2x now), or more. They keep telling me to sign up for gym sub and I’m like, “those go really quickly! Lol”

Also moving forward, expect to keep seeing as many pics of me as I have already posted. I won’t change the avatar because, come on, I Dream of Fire nailed it with that one! I will have a pic or 2 of me on the blog and use my name and all that stuff because I don’t care about anonymity. It’s just who I am.

Hi, I’m Jay, I’m a talkative over-sharer, nice to meet you!

The beard comes and goes…

Summary

That’s it. We’re separating, life will be different and crazy and who knows what it will look like a year from now? I know for sure that I certainly have no clue what it would look like. I know we’ll be co-parenting and raising our family with as much cooperation, love, and support from the 2 of us as there was before, except it will never be like before because the whole situation is different, but, you get it right?

That’s what’s going on around here. I hope your holidays were INFINITELY better than mine, and that you’re also NOT dealing with this sort of situation. Unless you’re getting out of a bad situation and then, good for you! Way to take control and get your life back!  I hope everyone has a great, safe, New Year’s Eve and an even happier New Year!

I’m gonna miss this viiew…

I’ll see you in 2020!