In my last post I was talking about dealing with depression the last decade or more and how even though I used talk therapy and thought I’d dealt with it head on, it didn’t really work out that way in hindsight. Depression is a hell of a thing and leaves a massive path of havoc in its wake. Well, my experience is no different. There have been messed up relationships with me and the kids – I was known as “Angry Dad” back in Texas – there have been messed up relationships with family and it has just wreaked havoc on my life the last 11 yrs or so. Despite our best efforts holding our relationship together thru all of that turmoil and more, ultimately, Mrs. SSC and I are separating.
Puts a new spin on this tweet, huh?
Mrs. SSC
I can honestly say I haven’t met one person as impactful on my life as Mrs. SSC. She turned me around to become a better person, a better version of me, even while struggling thru my depression. She set our family up very, very, well in life financially and I wouldn’t even be involved in this community if it wasn’t for her. While I was the one that took to it like a fish in water, she was the one that introduced me to the PF community, FIRE – I still don’t want to live off $26k/yr – and put us in the position to let me be a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) the last 15 months.
She’s been truly amazing for me and without her I have no doubt that I wouldn’t here to write this. She’s done a lot for me and my life in ways I won’t even go into. For that I am truly thankful. Thank-you so much.
Slowly Sipping Coffee
The blog will continue on. I’ll revamp some of it since it’s just me now but there’s a whole shit ton of stuff for me to unpack (pun intended), sort through, and figure out moving forward. All of this will be amazing blog fodder, a great place for me to work thru things as well, and will have a lot more interesting reads than loads of Twitter pics of “lumberjacking”, snake wrangling, spider herding, and more!
Missed the house completely!
Typical OK fauna.She’s hibernating quite peacefully. Not dead. Not that peaceful, lol.
There will be fun posts like, “But I don’t want to get a job” followed up with, “So, I got a job ☹” or, “I need a doc, my passive income stream won’t start!” followed by, “Maybe I need a urologist, because my passive income stream keeps stopping and starting…” Whatever comes of life, you can be sure I’ll put most of it on here. 😊
Me – Jay – Mr. SSC
Well, now that my lifestyle is different, I’ve got to figure out life. I have plenty of ideas of what to do for passive income or other income streams, those will be in a future post, and what to do with life in general. I really like the life I have right now with volunteering, subbing (yes, even subbing), CASA (I’m about to get a new case), and Scouts. It has been nice and I like the freedom to go to the kids fieldtrips, their school, see them during the day, sub for their class (2x now), or more. They keep telling me to sign up for gym sub and I’m like, “those go really quickly! Lol”
Also moving forward, expect to keep seeing as many pics of me as I have already posted. I won’t change the avatar because, come on, I Dream of Fire nailed it with that one! I will have a pic or 2 of me on the blog and use my name and all that stuff because I don’t care about anonymity. It’s just who I am.
Hi, I’m Jay, I’m a talkative over-sharer, nice to meet you!
The beard comes and goes…
Summary
That’s it. We’re separating, life will be different and crazy and who knows what it will look like a year from now? I know for sure that I certainly have no clue what it would look like. I know we’ll be co-parenting and raising our family with as much cooperation, love, and support from the 2 of us as there was before, except it will never be like before because the whole situation is different, but, you get it right?
That’s what’s going on around here. I hope your holidays were INFINITELY better than mine, and that you’re also NOT dealing with this sort of situation. Unless you’re getting out of a bad situation and then, good for you! Way to take control and get your life back! I hope everyone has a great, safe, New Year’s Eve and an even happier New Year!
When my dad killed himself in 2008, it touched off a major depression for me and I almost didn’t escape from it. It lasted over 10 years, and while I thought I dealt with it through talk therapy, due to hurtful stigmas, I avoided seeing a psychiatrist or getting on meds to help with those consistent, recurrent suicidal thoughts and ideations, and ever-present negative thoughts and feelings. I mistakenly thought that I’d be able to handle it on my own and slowly I started accepting worse and worse standards of living accepting that, “this is ok”, “these are perfectly normal and ok thoughts to think. I’m just having a hard time and will get through this. Eventually…” For me, eventually never came, and out of desperation and a “well I haven’t tried that yet” mentality I barely escaped the clutches of my depression. This is how it has affected me these last 11 years and what drove me to a seek a better place.
Suicide Destroys MANY Lives
When someone decides to take their own life, it’s usually out of a place of pain, desperation, loneliness, and more. Their focus usually isn’t towards messing up everyone else’s life, rather trying to stop the pain in theirs. At least, that’s what I tell myself because that’s how I felt when my suicidal ideations would gain traction and start forming into plans. When my dad killed himself back in 2008, it broke me. It broke me more than I knew and it took me 11 years to figure out how badly I was broken. It didn’t just break me though. It also broke my brother, sister, half-sister, his sister, his family, and like a stone tossed in the pond, the ripples keep going.
This happened about 6 months before Mrs. SSC and I got married and it broke that relationship too. It broke my relationship with the kids, or it tried very hard to. Suicide wreaks havoc with everything in its path, directly or indirectly. I knew things were bad when around the first of the year or so, I was making plans to kill myself too. I hurt, every day, all day. When I was awake, when I was at work, in meetings, hanging with Mrs. SSC, it was a pain that cut deep, and didn’t disappear no matter where I was, who I was with, how much alcohol I drank or who I talked to about it. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore so I made a plan and then waited to act on it.
My Suicide Plan
My plan was pretty simple really, just wait until Mrs. SSC goes to bed and shoot myself. Pretty straightforward, but I’d do it in a way to minimize cleanup and all of that. I mean it’s the least I could do right? Typically, Mrs. SSC goes to bed before me, and so I was waiting and waiting and waiting. She kept staying up and hanging out, and we were at like 10pm which is way past her bedtime. Maybe she could sense something was wrong, but she just didn’t go to bed. Finally, she asked me if there was anything wrong or something I wanted to talk about and I literally thought, “Fuck it, I can always do this tomorrow.” And I opened up to her and told her about my feelings and my plan that night.
We found a talk therapist for me and I saw her for the next 4.5 years, sometimes for 2x a week but mostly once a week due to insurance restrictions. In hindsight, I should’ve checked into an inpatient place for a week or so, but I didn’t think I was “that bad.” Those places are for “crazy people”. Um, wanting to kill yourself, isn’t sane, so maybe that should’ve been a clue.
Stigmas prevailed and I slogged on with talk therapy. Over that 4.5 years, we unpacked and dealt with all sorts of childhood crap, trauma, feelings, and more. It was amazing. But I never had the ever-present negativity and suicidal thoughts and ideations disappear. It was like the world’s most insidious salesman hanging out in your head every single day trying to convince you that today’s the day, you’ve had enough of this shit, and you should just do it. That was my life for over a decade.
Life Goes On, Right?
Sure, life goes one with depression, fortunately, unfortunately, but in what way, and at what quality? I self medicated with alcohol to try and get my brain to shut up. If you imagine a flood control reservoir and dam, that’s how I picture my emotional storage capacity. Essentially, my emotional reservoir was full, overflowing, and the flood gates were fully open. Due to the depression, I didn’t have emotional capacity to deal with life. I couldn’t handle anymore. So instead of dealing with emotions in a calm, responsible manner, I exploded, I snapped, I yelled. I became the worst version of myself that I could be. I wasn’t physically abusive, but emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors were what happened when I was at home. Not all the time, but enough that I got the nickname Angry Dad from the kids. Yay, parent of the year, right here folks! It’s so embarrassing, and shameful, and holy shit it just feeds the negativity that’s already there and makes a maddening shame spiral of self-defeat.
Houston was where it all came to a head. I’d had a talk therapist in LA, so I had an outlet there even if she wasn’t helping with the chemical issues in my brain. In Houston, our schedules were different, busier, and remember me saying I was slowly lowering my bar for “good quality of life”? Well, that bar hovered near the ground at this point with me accepting the daily suicidal thoughts, ideations, and constant negative chatter as “acceptable” and “the new normal.” I hated me, I hate my thoughts, my life, the dad I’d become. I was over it and after 7-8 years of feeling like this, I’m more than over it.
Fully Funded Lifestyle Change (FFLC)
During this whole depression, I should’ve been enjoying life. I mean, I graduated with a Master’s from CO School of Mines, a tough school to get into, I got hired on with a major oil company, I got married to an amazing woman and life was good. Yet I was the least happy I’d been in my life. With our FFLC revelation, I was glad to hear that, because I wasn’t planning on making it to retirement. Life sucked too much and I didn’t want anymore to do with it, who gives a shit if it’s FI or not FI? Fucking keep it, was my attitude. So, I developed my own plan. I was planning on getting our family to the FFLC point, and since Mrs. SSC was planning on keeping working, I didn’t have to worry about leaving them in a lurch financially if our planning was wrong. She will be WAY more than taken care of, the same with the kids.
I was planning to get our house in Canyon Lake built, paid off, and then check out. That would leave Mrs. SSC and the kids with $500k of house/land, more than enough money to be FI, the kids had a great start in their college funds (~$50k each then) AND I wouldn’t be around to make their lives miserable anymore. It’s a win for everyone. At least that’s what I told myself then.
New Location, Same Old Problems
When Mrs. SSC got this position in Oklahoma, I was more than okay with it. Again, she wanted to keep working now that she’s gotten into her dream job, and this would require me to quit my career, become a SAHD, and then be default parent for our new single income household. Sure, that sounds great! One caveat if I moved with the family, (yes, we discussed me not moving with the family, I mean have you read anything up until now?) was that I need to focus on my mental health and get that shit sorted. Sure, sure, I am on board with that, no problem, whatsoever. Honestly, I was on board with it because I’d hit my rock bottom, or the point that I needed to shit or get off the pot. I figured, why not try a psychiatrist, I can always kill myself later. Seriously, that’s how “normal” and present those thoughts had become in my brain. Suicide was ALWAYS an option and had been for 10 years at that point. My attitude was the same, my thoughts were the same, my suicidal ideations/thoughts were still just as present, the negativity tagged along to Oklahoma too.
DBSA, Shrinks, and Meds, Oh My!
I started going to the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) meetings here in town and found them to be helpful. Like when I attended my first Fincon and finally felt like I was with people that got me, it was the same thing at DBSA. I joke that it’s like Alcoholics Anonymous for mental health issues, we just don’t offer as many meetings. Although, I think more meetings than once a week could be a good thing, but it is what it is. I finally met other people that I could talk candidly about my depression, suicidal thoughts and more and not be judged, but also get helpful feedback and validation and support. It was amazing! Over a year later and unless I’m single parenting, out of town, or sick, I’m at my weekly DBSA meeting.
I also found a psychiatrist (shrink) and started taking an anti-depressant and lithium. My family history with mental health issues is that my dad was undiagnosed bipolar for 50+ years and only got diagnosed after his alcoholism was in full force. That didn’t help trying to get meds balanced out to work for him when they’re getting messed up with a fifth or 2 of liquor a day… My sister was diagnosed bipolar in high school and on meds until she was “better” and would stop taking them, and then wasn’t better and she went back and forth like that for years. I asked my therapist if she thought I was bipolar and always got, nope, you’re not bipolar. Ok, settled. Whew!
My psychiatrist also thought I wasn’t bipolar, rather I suffered from major depression with mixed features, meaning instead of being a bed slug when I’m depressed, I turn into an angry, bitter, asshole. Oh, joy!! What a treat! Also, since my suicidal thoughts and ideations were so present, consistent and I had no protections (things to keep you from doing it) he prescribed lithium which is also good for suppressing suicidal thoughts.
Meds To The Rescue
I won’t say all problems can be solved with the right meds, because that’s not true, nor the best way to attack any problem. However, when the problem is chemical, no amount of talk therapy can correct it. For the first time in a LONG time, I started feeling like me again! However, it didn’t come without its bumps, and rough patches. My last suicidal plan came together this past summer while on vacation. Yeah, on vacation, because that’s how this stuff works. We were in Santa Fe for the night and I had to get my steps because we had been driving most of the day. I went out to walk around this mall we were right beside and during that walk, something clicked. Something bad clicked and my brain started making plans to kill myself. I’d been “retired/sahd” for almost a year at this point. Involved in all my volunteer work, yet my brain still wants to kill me. WTF, brain!? This plan culminated in me taking $10-$15k out of one of my retirement accounts, putting it in a bank account that’s accessible overseas, and go hit a couple of bucket list places before checking out somewhere in the world. My thought was that this way, the kids and Mrs. SSC don’t have the trauma of finding me anywhere, and I can just be that dad that “left to get smokes” and is never coming back. Again, these all sound like good plans when you’re depressed.
The whole crew at the Farmer’s Market!
I reached out to some PF Twitter peeps and they helped talk me off the proverbial ledge. We were all staying in one room in a hotel that night so I was sequestered to my phone in the dark much earlier than usual. After conversations with that person, thank-you person, you know who you are!! I started trying to think about this from a rational standpoint. I realized I’d probably dealt with my dad’s death the least of all the problems that got brought up in therapy. Looking back over the past 10 years, I realized that almost ALL of these issues have come up because of his suicide and how badly it broke me emotionally. While my latest suicide plan tried to ease that loss with the kids by me “disappearing”, it would still leave them with years and potentially decades of trauma and bad feelings to deal with, and I didn’t want to do that to them either.
For the first time in over 10 years, I decided that suicide wasn’t an option.
Moving Forward
Moving forward with this new life is interesting. I feel like me, like the me from back when dad was alive and I’d be looking forward to calling him later in the afternoon to catch up. The me that didn’t walk around with this interminably deep, wrenching pain in their heart for years and years and years. It has been amazing! Angry dad is gone too, and that kicks ass! The kids notice a HUGE difference in OK dad vs TX dad. I have patience, understanding and more with them. Sure, I can still get stressed with them and they can drive me crazy, just like those dang 5th graders but my emotional reservoir is only like half full all the time, so I have capacity to handle emotions, life and more without going apeshit over nothing. Mrs. SSC and I have been working to repair our relationship as well. Me being a depressed, bitter, angry, resentful asshole for our whole marriage has just done wonders for our relationship let me tell you. No, no it hasn’t. Not at all. There’s a lot there to unpack with defensive behaviors that came about as a result of my shitty mental situation and well, it hasn’t been good. We can just leave it at that.
Summary
Hindsight being 20/20 and all that I should’ve just gotten checked in to an inpatient facility and nipped this in the bud back in 2009, right? That would’ve been awesome, because all this shit wouldn’t have happened and I could have 10 years of my life back. Hell, we all could get those 10 years back. But, that’s not how life works. Life always moves forward, never looking back, and that’s what I’m doing. I can’t waste energy beating myself up for what could’ve been, or what an asshole I was this past decade, I can just move forward to try and be the person I want to be for me, the kids, and Mrs. SSC. The person that this guy was for me when he was in the “good part” of “being undiagnosed bipolar”.
A much younger Mr. SSC and Dad hiking on Father’s Day.
I feel like I’ve got a new slate, a new start, a new life even, considering I wasn’t expecting to see 2020 with how things were going. What that will look like going forward, I don’t know, but I know suicide isn’t an option, my depression is managed right now, and I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts/ideations in over 4 months. That may not sound big, but to someone who had daily, constant suicidal thoughts/ideations for over a decade, it is ‘YUGE!!
If you’re dealing with depression, reach out! People want to help, even if you don’t believe them. You can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t want to talk to people you can go here and chat. That would’ve been SUPER handy for me back in the day. Find a local DBSA group near you. I found that super helpful for me. Please don’t let the stigma of meds or “seeing a shrink” keep you depressed. I fell victim to this one, as did Mrs. SSC, and it was super damaging to all of our lives. Had I seen a psychiatrist early on and gotten meds, I feel a LOT of this could’ve been avoided. Please, don’t make my same mistake, don’t accept that this is your new normal and that “it’s okay”. It’s not, get help and be a better you. Reach out to me if you need an ear or person to text and don’t want any judgement, I’m here. @coffeesippers for Twitter DM and I can give you my number. I’ll respond as soon as I see it. Reach out to any of your close friends too. I understand not wanting to go that route or trusting they may have different intentions, but they’ll be happy you opened up and want to help. I promise. Do whatever it takes for you to get better for yourself. Just don’t be like me.
It doesn’t seem like a year since I left my job, but we’re coming up on 13 months away from full time work! Whoa! That’s the longest I’ve gone “un-employed” since I started working at age 15. I made it a whole 54 weeks before getting any W2 type work. That gig is “guest teaching” formerly known as substitute teaching or “subbing”. With the stellar pay of $60/day it’s still volunteering in my book, lol. What have I done in the past year? A crap ton of volunteering, that’s what. I’ve also applied to 2 different jobs that looked fun, I got accepted for one of them, and I’ve come to find out that I like carving things with a chainsaw. Who would’ve thought? I also had a really valuable lesson taught to me about volunteering, by a 5th grade classroom I subbed for. What did they teach me and how did it cause me to re-evaluate everything I’m putting my energy towards? Well, that’s a pretty funny story.
When we bought our current money pit, erm, house, we expected to get pretty good energy efficiency due to it being a concrete and Styrofoam construction method, think adobe style with 1’ thick walls. Yes, 1 foot thick (0.3 m) walls that provide extra wind resistance to over 300 mph (allegedly), better fire ratings, and definitely better insulation properties than a traditional built home. When we replaced our furnace and AC unit last year, we opted for a more efficient system because it costs less to operate, uses less resources to run, and we thought it would go well with the rest of the energy efficiency aspects of the house. What we didn’t realize is that the home was built with the concrete walls because the previous owner was terrified of tornadoes… Um, maybe move out of tornado alley? IDK… Just a thought.
If this was my worst fear, I wouldn’t have moved to “NO-klahoma” image credit: Mike Hollingshead
Beyond that fear, they didn’t care at all about energy efficiency. We’ve been making some efficiency improvements around here and even during these past 2 cold spells, our downstairs has stayed above 62 F WITHOUT the heat coming on all day! This was during a 3 day cold snap with temps around the 30’s F and the latest cold spell with temps of 26 F and 30 mph constant winds with 50 mph gusts. The inside temp finally got down to 62 F by 5pm, but again, this is without the heat coming on ALL DAY! How did we pull this off? By throwing money at it of course!
It’s amazing how perspective changes over time. When I first quit work, I felt I had to justify my existence as a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) by using all the titles of my “past life”. I would meet people and when they would ask, “Oh, what do you do?” I’d go into my canned speech, of, “well, I used to be a geologist, but now I’m a stay at home dad, but I do all this other stuff to make up for it.” As if I’m apologizing for not working or something… When probed about how easy it should be to find work around OKC, I’d go on about, nope, not looking for work right now, just volunteering and doing family stuff. Then I’d even talk about all the volunteering I was doing like it would earn me a prize or something.
Later, much later, I realized I was looking for validation since I wasn’t getting that with many of my current volunteer roles. I mean sure, everyone loves a volunteer, but where’s my performance review?! Where’s a bonus showing how well I did?! Where’s a gold sticker for fucks sake?! Oh right, I don’t get those because it’s volunteering and um, well, that doesn’t happen. So, what happened to make me not even mention my past life anymore, much less my new job, and now I can be more than okay with it? A perspective shift, confidence in who I am, and accepting my current role for what it is.
About a month ago, I was able to attend and speak at Camp FI in LaGrange, Texas. When I first heard the location, I immediately heard the guitar riff from ZZ Top’s “LaGrange”. Anyone else, anyone? If you are like a few camp members I met that had never heard of it, well, hear you go, LaGrange. It’s a great rocking song, but I digress…
Camp FI seemed like a good alternative to Fincon for me, and I was hoping it would be a nice Personal Finance (PF) recharge, with being around like minded folks, talking goals, dreams, life, and of course money. In short, I was not disappointed! It reminded me of the newbie feeling I had at my first Fincon in Dallas. I came back from that conference and wrote this post about how I Found My Tribe and this felt very, very similar. In fact, unless I get more active with the blog, I don’t see a need to attend Fincon anymore. Gasp!! If the thought of thousands of people swarming around looking for Vanguard bags and mugs freaks you out, try a Camp FI. You will not be disappointed and here’s why.
This year, I did something I’ve never done before. I joined one of those fitness tracking groups that you see a lot of in January and then they fade away by March. Well, not this group, holy hell, this is a year long commitment baby! Yearlong! What did I commit to? Nothing major, just making sure I hit 70,000 steps a week, which is 10,000 steps per day, the random number of steps you “need” each day to be “healthy”. Well, since I was averaging around 5,000-6,000 steps a day for the days I wasn’t doing yard work, or volunteering at school, I thought it would be a good thing to commit to. Plus, since the people are all on Twitter, you know they’ll keep me accountable. At the halfway mark, how are things going? Pretty darn good. I’ve gotten a streak of 116 days with 10,000 steps, that’s never happened in my life. I dropped 6 lbs, and I’ve only had one week so far that I didn’t make the goal. 1 week! That’s impressive for me!
One year ago we bought a money pit, I mean a house in Oklahoma. We were so excited because we were starting our Fully Funded Lifestyle Change, I was quitting my job, and we were moving to the country! Well, we got the country alright. I sit outside and watch the birds at the bird feeder and in the trees around the backyard. I watch a pair of does come wandering thru the yard in the morning and evenings. They’re around so much the dogs have stopped barking and the doe wanders to the fence to check the dogs out. It’s hilarious! They’ve both figured out that even though their base instincts say “enemy!” they both know the fence keeps them safe. I caught a pygmy rattlesnake, and scared up a 5’ ratsnake that lives in a woodpile on the back corner of the property that I haven’t cleared yet. We have a hawk that likes to fly thru our yard in the afternoons and I saw it actually grab a mouse/vole idk, off the ground one day! It was awesome!
But none of that has cost us any money except for birdfood. It’s the “aaahhhhh” benefit of living out here. So what were we expecting with this house? It’s 16 years old, it had a 2 and 4 yr old AC and furnace respectively, 3 yr old roof that seemed to be in good enough shape. The home inspection report (what a scam industry) was pretty clean and didn’t note anything of significance. We had a home warranty for a year to cover anything major. How did we still manage to spend over $50,000 in the past year? With all of the following fixes and updates.
Man, with school out, there has been so much going on around here. The kids are home full time, so that hinders me doing a lot out in the yard, but we’ve been having a lot of fun hanging out, playing, and hitting up the pool, museums, and zoo so far! However, I have still been able to do yard work, just not as much. Today, I have someone outside cutting down trees for me! First time since we’ve moved I paid someone to cut down some of the 100+ trees I’ve cut down so far. Granted, most are under 6” diameter, but there have been a fair amount of 6”+ trees for sure. When I found out the guy that hauls stuff off charges the same whether they cut the trees or I do, I scheduled him and went and bought flagging tape to mark trees. That leads to today’s topic. When equipment breaks should you replace it with same quality, better quality or lesser quality equipment? I’m talking about my chainsaw, but it applies to anything. My BIL used to tell me he was raised to be “frugal” and even though he knows if he buys the “cheap” version, he’ll have to buy 2-3 of them when they break each time, he still buys the cheap version instead of a pricier quality version. I was struggling with this yesterday when my 25 yr+ old chainsaw died. RIP chainsaw.
Goodbye old friend. Thanks for the work!
Is Bigger Better?
I currently have a 16” chainsaw meaning it can cut 16” deep into a tree. My first question was, do I need 18” or 20” chainsaw? They could be nice having the extra bar/chain to slice thru trees, but is it overkill? I’m 80% of the way done cutting down trees, and haven’t had a problem with the chainsaw I have now. The bonus of the 18” and 20” is a bigger engine and better cutting power. So while mine may have been fine the newer bigger saw wouldn’t get bogged down when dealing with the few big trees I’ve felled and still need to cut down.
Hopefully, they come down better than this one…
With Bigger comes more weight. Do I really want to lug around 12-14 lbs of chainsaw all day? I know my arms get tired after 6-8 hrs of cutting trees, limbs, and hauling and stacking stuff, so how would it be with and extra 2-4 lbs added to it? Maybe just replace with same size is the better option.
I Could Buy Cheaper
I also was bummed when it died (the fuel tank cracked at the corner and isn’t replaceable) because I knew it would be $200-$400 to replace. UNLESS!! I went with a “lesser” brand like Blue Max or Remington or Ryobi, then I could replace it with a bigger bar, engine, and similar weight for $150! So what if I end up buying another one in a year or 2, I should be done with cutting trees by then and would just need it for maintenance, storm cleanup, etc… The big key is how cranky do those things get after a while? I hate finicky yard equipment and it sucks starting the day with a tired arm because it took 60+ pulls to get something started. Ugh, no thanks, I’d pay double for something to start quickly and run well.
The big kicker is that those “lesser” brands have 4 star reviews with over 700 reviews! That swayed me a bit to getting one of those and going the cheap route. Again, I didn’t trust that they wouldn’t be finicky by mid-summer or fall when I get back into the yard more. The biggest complaints were them breaking due to using lesser quality materials, but man, the people that love them, really love them! It’s a lot to think about especially for me who could stand in an aisle for 20 minutes not moving staring at chainsaws debating chainsaw length of life, finicky-ness, reliability, replacement cost, usage, replacement costs for chain, bar, etc… (all more the bigger it is) and more just to make sure I get the best thing for me.
What About Replace with Same
I could also just replace it with the same thing I had been using. It worked well, the engine is big enough, and everything else has been big enough, so why debate it, just get another one. They’re $260 and I already have a replacement blade, sharpener, etc… with files for a 16” and this blade. I wouldn’t have to mess with that. I’m familiar with it, and except for some finicky-ness starting, #asexpected, it worked fine. Actually, it was a bitch to work with. I’m debating why I’d want to replace it with the same thing and not a different brand? Mainly because I think a 20+ yr old Honda doesn’t compare to a 2019 Honda, and am expecting if I got a 2019 chainsaw, it would perform like that, for better or worse. I think replace with same is my best bet financially and for peace of mind.
Should I Upgrade?
What if I upgraded to a better brand, like Stihl where you know you’re getting a reliable workhorse. Those start at $350 and then go up from there… Yipes! I don’t know if that’s overkill for my situation or not. I love my Stihl brushcutter, starts by the 2nd pull each time, and I’ve used it a LOT. Is it worth it for $400? Normally, I’d say hell yeah!! Go big or go home!! Wait, I don’t say that. Anymore… I would like something that reliable and strong, but do I need a Lexus, if a Jetta would do the trick? JMoney, you don’t get to answer. Yeah a Lexus is nice, but is it overkill for my situation? Probably not, but after getting hit with $13k of door and window replacements, $2500 for more brush hauloff and a $5k IRS bill from some stocks not loading into TurboTax correctly 2 years ago… Seriously, it loaded every other stock sold on that same day from that same account, but not that one?! WTF, Turbotax, WTF?! Rant over…
It’s nice to think about and I’d probably not have to buy another one, ever, but I just can’t get myself to pay for that chainsaw right now.
Applicability to Life?
I find myself in this same situation with all sorts of things. I ask myself should I upgrade, stay the same, or cheap out and just get something to work right now? It’s a tough question because it depends on what is getting replaced. Like with our windows, the guy said, ~10% of your home worth is what you should use as a rule of thumb for replacing windows in your house. Spend more and you’re overbuying, spend way less and you know it’ll be cheap and may not be what you want, but in that range of 10% is close to where you want to be.
If only everything had a good rule of thumb for buying. I look at what I’m replacing and go from there. If it’s my phone for instance, I cap it at $300. That limits my decision, and if it’s over $300, I’ll pay out of pocket from my allowance, so I ask myself, is it worth $100, $200, $400? An extra $100 sure if it’s a significant upgrade, but $400, no way… Haven’t found that phone yet.
You have to do the same and ask what is good for you. Is it worth it to upgrade, what about just replacing with the same? Do you need to upgrade? Did you overbuy last time? I try not to overbuy but can get stuck in the trap sometimes.
I find that asking these questions helps when debating replacing something that has died.
Summary
I ended up just replacing with the same for $281 out the door. Although the chain snapped 3 branches in and sliced my leather glove, seriously, it was razor sharp, I’m so bummed… I’m so far happy with it. It made sense for me as I already have an extra chain or 2 that I just swapped out and kept going, I have a file for the blade, and a sharpener, so I don’t have to get anything new for it. That reminds me. I need to finish up the 3 trees I was working on last night.
What about you? Do you have difficulty with these debates when replacing things that break on your end? Am I just overanalyzing things when I buy stuff?
Before I quit my job and headed into the great of unknown of being a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) I had all kinds of thoughts about how this blog could follow along. First of all, I could be different from other bloggers that hit retirement and then faded into the sunset (and kudo’s to them for pivoting away from the blogging world to live life). That won’t be me, I said, I can write about all this new stuff! There’s so much new stuff it won’t be difficult at all coming up with blog posts each, I said… That’s true! I have a shitload of new and different situations going on with the SSC family. Except that one thing has changed that has made a significant impact on the blog. That one thing is the fact I’m not in front of a computer 8-10 hours a day anymore.
Unlike most bloggers, I did most okay, all of my blogging at the office. Oh yeah! I got to work at 6am and had a solid 2 hrs before the rest of the company showed up to work. If you look back at old comments you’ll notice most come between 6-7am, lol. I also used that time to write posts, edit posts, and tinker with the blog. Nowadays, my computer is upstairs in my music/art/office area. It’s great!
The instruments are right there!
My own little space, nice view out the window. A perfect writing nook. For it to be functional, I need to actually be up there and writing and that just hasn’t been happening. I’ve got too much other stuff going on to head upstairs for 2-4 hours a week and bang out a post, respond to comments, etc… Life is just too damn exciting!
What’s Been Going On
I’ve been staying busy with the house, kids, getting adjusted to the SAHD lifestyle. It’s been pretty great so far! I haven’t been super great at managing time as I wanted to be. My time debts get racked up pretty quickly some weeks and others are smooth sailing. The cold has finally broken here so I’ve been a bit more focused on the outside since things will be green, ticks will be out (wait, they’re already back), snakes and scorpions will be out again, and I can’t willy nilly go grabbing anything off the ground. We’ve gotten a LOT done over the winter and the “backyard” is way more usable than it was when we moved in last summer. Not the fenced in part, but the woods outside of that area. We had someone gather and haul off 120 cubic yards of brush/trees that I’d gathered up or where scattered around the property. I cut down over 30 trees and hauled at least 20-30 cubic yards of mostly decomposed wood into an old ravine on our property. I figured I could use it to make a hugelkultur of sorts and fill it with wood. The guy with the skid steer squashed it down once, then I mounded it up again and he squashed more and then topped it with dirt from around the yard. At least some of the trees will go back into the ground, right?
School and CASA
School volunteering is moving along, but it hasn’t been as consistent as I expected. Mostly from my own doing, but I’m getting back to at least once a week being a Watchdog. Prior to that, I’ve been volunteering for every other thing like, field trip chaperone, state testing monitor (OMG, so dull…), PT librarian, and more. That’s been fun and it’s great getting to see the kiddo’s during the school day.
CASA training is nearly complete! Woohoo!! 8 weeks of training is coming to a close and we’ll have our swearing in this Friday. It’s been difficult as it has been 3 hrs a week of training, but mostly difficult because it occurs at the same time as my DBSA group meetings. DBSA is the Depression Bi-polar Support Alliance and the have group meetings for people dealing with those issues or anxiety or anything else they want to come and talk about. Those have been super helpful for me and I’ll be glad to get back to my Thursday meetings. It’s just nice having a place to share and be open with people dealing with same/similar issues. It’s been rough missing those, but that’s almost over.
Hobbies
I previously thought I’d be doing exercising/training a lot and putting in time to all my different hobbies with all this free time and that hasn’t quite worked out how I thought. Everyone is always saying “retire TO something…” not away from things. Well, I have a shitload of stuff I retired to, but like my last posts have pointed out it doesn’t mean that your hobbies are now your new default time killer.
Yep, whatever habits you had before retiring don’t magically change with more free time. If you wasted a lot of time on phone games, that won’t change until you break that habit. Same with TV, naps, procrastination, etc… Like Maggie at Northern Expenditure said, “Retired you is still you.” That is SO true. I’ve struggled with this even though I’ve also been doing hobbies and tackling the yard/woods/house like crazy. I finished building my banjo and it actually plays! Yay! I put together 2 adirondack chairs and stools that my FIL brought up for us. I’ve got the plans picked out for the cedar woodstrip canoe I’m starting on, and have been scouting spots for a garden for next year or this fall. I’m putting in a compost pile today and have the front flower beds I’ve been transplanting bushes out of and making a plan for them.
Inside, I have a lot of painting to do, an attic exhaust fan to rebalance, one last horrid push of adding insulation before it gets really warm and the attic comes to life with spiders, scorpions and god knows what else. They’re already moving around as I saw a spider in our shed yesterday, so sooner is better than later… Also, it’s a really, really tight spot, just to get into another really tight spot. Shudder…
Exercise
Triathlons and that kind of exercise have disappeared lately. I let the Texasman tri and OKC Memorial Marathon (half-marathon for me) sneak up on me and won’t be ready for either of them. Mainly because I haven’t been running consistently or swimming at all since we moved. Unless it’s open water swimming, my only other option is joining the university pool or the Y. Both are a little spendy considering when the kids get out of school in another month or 2 I won’t have free time to bike, run, or swim as I’ll be full-time babysitter. Yipe!!
Also, the meds I’m taking are not helping with my motivation. In short, if I could nap 2-3 hrs a day I would. I sleep from about 10-10:30 pm – 5:50 am so it’s not like I’m getting too little or too much sleep. Regardless, I feel like I have zero energy constantly, zero motivation, and a massive amount of apathy towards exercise in general. That’s led to putting on about 8-10 lbs though, so I need to get over it and get back into exercising, drop some weight, and be a better health role model for the kids.
Time for New Habits
In short, I’ve designated April as the month to break bad habits and work on new ones. Starting with this blog post! Sure, it’s a day late from my usual Tuesday posts, but it’s also a month behind my last one, so… You gotta start somewhere right? Secondly, I deleted a couple of phone games as I realized they’re way too much of a timesuck. I’m going back to my previous google calendar schedule of exercise, playing music, painting, woodworking, CASA, school volunteering, etc… This will just have to be a slower approach to some of these, but as long as it’s consistent I think it will work. Finally, I’m getting back to blogging consistently, well more consistently than once a month, lol. There is a TON to write about with how things have changed with our budget, lifestyle, routines, spending, just everything. I need to be better at putting it out there and writing about how things change post-work life and every other thing I’m now dealing with, like grocery shopping (I found our ALDI and had good $$ wins there), being default parent (kids dr’s, dentists, summer programs, homework, laundry, etc…), and taking care of this property. There’s so much I want to do, but it just takes time. Like bees! I wanted to get a couple of hives, but will have to wait until next year due to budget issues – mainly my allowance is at $0.
Summary
I let life run my schedule and didn’t fight back when important things got pushed out of it. It’s easy to get so “busy” living life, cleaning house, doing your thing that you realize it’s been 2 months since you’ve done the stuff you thought you’d be doing all the time. It’s time to be more mindful of my time. I mean, I’ve been mindful of it, it just hasn’t been spent the way I would’ve thought. Now to redirect it back to the things I’d rather be doing, and the blog is one of them. Yay! It will continue! I realized when I was working I had limited time so I made the most of my free time and tried to fit as much stuff in there as possible. Now that I have loads of free time, the drive isn’t there because – I can do that tomorrow – and guess what? Tomorrow never comes… That changes this month.
