Change is Hard, but NOT Impossible

With 2020 being what it is, and especially recently, with the murder of George Floyd by police officers, I felt I needed to write something from my perspective. This has little to nothing to do with personal finance, but if you’ve read any of my blog, you realize, neither does the rest of my blog. Maybe time for a rebrand? Regardless…

I was raised in Western Kentucky, Bowling Green, specifically and I was raised in a racist household. It was the kind of place where one says, “We’re not racist! Look at all of our black friends! Look at all that we do for black people, POC and those less fortunate.” To be fair, that is not an untrue statement. Growing up, we supported churches that ran mission trips to Mexico every summer, and we were close family friends with a pastor that traveled around preaching. We would typically host them and one of the Mexican preachers that had come up to preach for the summer, or a revival, or whatever. It wasn’t a big deal for our friends to stay the night, or wait at our house for rides to school, to help their parents out. We hosted a Cambodian refugee in the 80’s and it was one of the best experiences I’ve had.

Yes, We Were Racist

Through all of this support, help, and friendship; racism was still present in our house. I grew up being told I wasn’t racist either, yet I know scores of Ethiopian jokes (think famine 80’s), “Black jokes” and more. It was just a part of our background and raising. Did we hear the N word used a lot? Nope. Not a lot, but enough. Through it all, all the derogatory statements, all the “there’s a difference between N-words and black people”, all the jokes, it was just a part of the culture. Hell, I was approached to join the local klan group, yes, kkk, that klan group when I was in highschool (fuck those guys). I graduated highschool in 1995 for fucks sake. Why was that still a thing then? More to the point, why is it still a thing now? There was still obvious, public hate against African-Americans, Mexicans, Cambodians now that our town had a decent population, Afghani’s (we had an influx during/after the Russian Afghan war), Serbians, Croations, Bosnians, yeah, our town was on the “refugee list” for many refugee crises. We had a diverse population, and racism was alive and well to push down any non-white, and even white people that looked or sounded different than your typical Kentuckian. To be fair, put a typical Kentuckian in any part of the US and guess who will sound different? The Kentuckian…

It wasn’t until highschool, that I realized I had no actual reason for feeling the way I did about African Americans, or hell, anyone non-white for that matter. What sparked that revelation? A cross burning in our friends yard one night. Yep, a GD cross burning in the early 90’s. These people worked as a farmer and nurse, and were kind and generous to everyone. But, they had a cross burned in their yard, and kkk being chock full of morons, it fell over and burned up 1/3 of their crop. Seeing my friend’s emotional reaction to it the next day got me thinking. They’d lost 1/3 of their income, and sure, they could use insurance, but that’s going to raise rates and why? Because they were a target of a hate crime. Ridiculous…

It made me question my thoughts and beliefs and realize that I didn’t have to keep feeling like that, or thinking like that. I had no literal reason to feel that way towards any non-whites. So, I made the decision to change.

I made the decision to change my thinking and get that shit out of my head.

That’s great, yay! Racism is over! Except, that’s not how that works at all…

Change is HARD

It was difficult, the hardest thing I’ve done yet, to be honest. Through all that work, and retraining my thoughts to not automatically say something derogatory, or use words as weapons when fighting, or any of that was kind of the easiest part. Just stop saying it. That’s a great first step. Stopping thinking it is more difficult.

It’s like you’re raised with a family pet, that you think is all nice and fine. Not the most cuddly pet, but you don’t see anything wrong with it, because everyone else thinks it’s fine. Then one day, you realize, your family pet is a venomous animal and you’re stuck with it for your entire life. You can’t kill it, no matter how much you try. So, you do what you can and make a nice little cage for it and lock it away. It’s there. Everpresent. Always with you, but just not actively beside you.

That’s how I feel it is trying to “not be racist” and change my thinking from racist thoughts to just not having them. You can’t ever get rid of that mentality. This isn’t Sunshine of the Eternal Mind and you can just wipe your brain of all that and start clean. Nope, it’s still there.

The biggest difference is that I don’t feed it, I don’t engage with it, and still to this day, I keep trying to kill it only to realize, it ain’t dead yet…

That sucks.

Am I racist? No, I don’t feel that way anymore, but approaching it by saying “I’m not racist anymore, problem solved! Whew, thank goodness! Who’s ready for a cold one?!” Yeah, it doesn’t work like that either.

Mission Accomplished! Wait… No… No it isn’t.

The problem is still there. Like my neighbor Chad in LA. First person I’ve ever had tell me that he calls Blacks and POC Democrats. Why? “Because then they won’t know you’re talking about ‘em!” Riiiiiight… Riiight. Fucking Chad… We talked a lot about that when we would hang out, not constantly and not ever getting to a point of hostility, but enough. We realized, like me, it was how he was raised, and he was fine with that. He had lots of examples to back up his standpoint, and I’d counter with mine, and we’d agree to disagree by the end. Always some interesting talks when it was brought up, to be honest, but fucking Chad… And he wasn’t alone. There were lots of people that feel that way.

My mom for instance. JFC, my mom… One of the last times I was hanging out with her in Houston, before I cut off all contact, she was throwing the N word into conversation like she was saying hello. I said, “Whoa, whoa whoa… You can’t say that! Why do you think it’s okay to say that? You teach in a charter school in NOLA for fucks sake! How can you use that word and also talk about “your kids” that you teach being so dear to you and so special to you? And then use that word?” Yeah, imagine being raised with that flippant attitude towards racism and similar attitude towards “not being racist.” No wonder I was confused. But, that’s the kind of house I was raised in. Which makes it very difficult to untangle all of that, and separate out what’s real, what’s fake, what means something to you and what doesn’t.

It’s similar to being raised in a very religious household, and one day you start questioning said religion. Let’s take Baptists, because that’s what I was raised as. Eeeesh… My experience, was that organized religion, and especially Baptists, and especially Southern Baptists, are the biggest bunch of judgmental, hypocritical sons of bitches I’ve ever had the misfortune to deal with. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are perfect examples of the shit religion I was raised around. When they make asinine statements like 9/11 wasn’t because of terrorists, but because our once holy nation has become Sodom and Gomorrha with allowing homosexuality, abortions, secular schools and more, and that’s god’s punishment. Yeah, keep your fucking god, because that’s not one I want to align with, worship, or any of that. Sounds fucking awful and like a horrible god… No thanks…

At some point, you choose to think for yourself, or stay in the mire. With religion and racism, I chose the former and decided I could be better. I might not be perfect, but I can be better than I was raised. Neither were easy to change, but both were empowering, freeing, and helped shape me to be who I am today. All of it.

Silence is Deadly

It’s not enough to be “not racist”. Who cares that you’re “not racist” if you’re just silently standing by and letting racism happen, and say, “But, I’M not racist, and that’s what matters.” No it isn’t…

The Only Thing Necessary for the Tirumph of Evil is for Good Men to do Nothing – Edmund Burke 

You need to be a champion, and support those that are still dealing with this issue. Because here we are in 2020, and the only thing that looks different from the 60’s riots (based on historical data, I’m not THAT old, lol) is the police are WAY more militarized, they use WAY less water cannons and German Shepherds, and are WAY more deadly to people of color, and those marginalized in society. What’s changed? Nothing. Not a GD thing in my opinion…

Am I a good champion? Nope, definitely not as much as I could be. Couldn’t we all do more?

Yes! Always! With everything! We can always do more!! So, I do what I can, when I can, and try to not be a silent observer on the sidelines.

This isn’t me calling out anyone for doing too little or a call to arms for everyone to do more.

You do you, and I’ll do me. Only you know what you feel like, how you feel, and whether you’ve got enough in your mental, financial, and physical tank to do more. Do what you can. Doing something, regardless of how small it may seem, is definitely better than doing nothing. And for those doing what they can! Yay, for you! Thanks for being supportive, thanks for taking a stand, and thanks for doing what you’re doing.

Change is hard. Hard but not impossible.

I’m still dealing with my journey and it’s still something that takes effort every day to keep that stupid godawful family pet in its cage, unfed, and away from my active life. Without actively working against it, it’s easy to become complicit.

Now is not the time for being complicit. It’s definitely not the time to stay silent on the sidelines. Do what you can, where you can, and how you can. But don’t do, nothing…

False Peaks Suck!

For anyone that’s ever done any mountaineering, or just plain old hiking in the mountains you’ve experienced false peaks. For those not aware of the term, it’s essentially when you see “the top”, push to “the top”, only to get to “the top”, and then you see the actual peak even higher than where you currently are. It can be defeating, if you’re the kind of person to let mountains push you around, lol. I kid, I kid. But recently I’ve found out I’ve been dealing with nothing but false peaks, and I’m just about ready to pack up and hit the beach. Seriously…

Most of my false peaks seem to be around work, and income. I had been applying to jobs back in January, February, and I mostly stopped around March. In all, I applied to 42 jobs, and heard exactly nothing back from any of them, lol. Why did I stop? Lots of reasons, but these are the main ones.

First, there were no new jobs appearing, just the same handful of positions I’d already applied to.

Second, this whole buzz about some virus coming out of Wuhan seemed to rattle people.

Third, I had been talking with My CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) supervisor in January and she hooked me up with her daughter for a potential position with her son-in-law’s excavation company. Anyway, that hasn’t panned out yet, lol, but no worries, I’m optimistic.

Fourth, she mentioned that CASA would need a new supervisor position sometime around the 1st quarter and I’d be her preference for that position, so I was mostly just waiting for that, but applying other places, in the meantime.

Fifth, and final reason was that she (same CASA supervisor) also mentioned that she would love to help fund, start, work at, the child advocacy center I had approached her about starting.

Those are a myriad of reasons and seem to be scattered, but each one was a false peak and here’s why.

Read More…

Personal Finance Support Group

Hi Everybody! During this whole quarantine, global pandemic situation, I’ve lost a lot of support networks. My DBSA, Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, group imploded and left a big vacuum where I once had a great support group. As I was looking around for other support networks and ways to get in touch with people, I was hitting walls. Sure, there are online virtual meetings, but they seem to be with “strangers”, but literal strangers not “Twitter strangers”, lol.

When my DBSA group imploded, a handful of us within that group took it upon ourselves to start a Discord server (i.e. chat room), explained in more detail by the previous Business Insider link. We have been using it since then and it has been great for us to stay in touch, reach out to others, video chat, and more during these times of “no physical contact” or socialization. Last week, I saw someone mention feeling lost and struggling and wanting/needing a place to reach out, and I thought, maybe we, the Personal Finance, PF community could also use a space like that.

Something “off Twitter”, away from judgement, away from politics, and away from the GD trolls that tend to roam there just to tear people down. It seems someone can’t post something as simple as “I’m having a great day today” without being accused of something. It’s ridiculous, but not necessarily a good place to be open and vulnerable about what’s really got you down.

Enter: Discord PF Support Group!

Today I created a Discord server for anyone in the PF Twitter-sphere, or anywhere else that is looking for a place to get some support. It doesn’t have to pertain to mental health. It can be as simple as wanting to celebrate a small win, or just a place to literally shout into the void, where you won’t get torn down, judged, or made to feel worse about whatever it is.

Here is the link to that server: https://discord.gg/MJurm7B

My goal is to make a safe shared space for anyone that wants it. Trolls, bully’s, and in general, assholes will not be tolerated. Neither will offensive language (I may be the worst culprit…), or offensive content. I want people to feel welcome and safe and able to share whatever. Maybe you’re not the most open person and you don’t feel comfortable sharing topics on your blog like I have. My dad’s suicide, is a big one. My previously untreated depression is another, yikes… The fact, I, we, let it go for so long, ultimately led to destroying my marriage, yep, I talk about that on the blog too.

In general, I’m as open and try to be vulnerable and willing to share with others on literally any topic. If I can’t share it, how do I expect people to also want to share, open up, or talk about any of their fears, concerns, and what’s on their mind at the moment?

Easy Access

It’s free to join, you just need to make a “profile” on Discord, and/or download that app. You can stay anonymous and make your username your PF Twitter handle, your name, or whatever you want to be called. Do you connect more with the name, Lothar, Destroyer of Debt, you can make that your name, lol. You can change it as often as you want, have an avatar, or not. It’s literally all up to what you’re willing to put out there.

I’ll add a channel on that server (chat-room) with links to more virtual support outlets, similar to what I did in this post. That way, if you want more support for addiction, or gambling, or whatever ails, you, I’ll hope to have something linked there for you.

That’s it. That’s the big announcement, but I wanted to put this post out here for anyone interested or looking for a space around “fellow like-minded people” to be heard, get some support, and more.

If you’re interested, here’s the link again: https://discord.gg/MJurm7B Hop on over and join. I put a small bio/introduction about myself on there, but don’t feel pressured to do that for yourself.

Thanks and Welcome!

Come one, come all, assholes excluded! If this isn’t your bag, please share for others that may feel like they could get something from this space.

2020: In the Bag!

Whew, it felt like we just started this year and it’s finally, holy shit! It’s still, April!?!? Whoa… I don’t know if the rest of you feel that time has lost all sense of relevance and has been distorted recently. I know I have. It reminds me of the scene in the Jerk where Steve Martin’s character is talking about time distortion…

Navin Johnson: (Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps) I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day, you went to see your mother and that just seemed like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down but can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Yep, it’s been like that around here. Kind of crazy if you think about it, how time gets distorted.

For me, it’s been a slap in the face of what “traditional retirement” would look like. I didn’t realize how much time I spent at the kids school, and the CASA office until they shut down. And holy hell, did I turn into the old guy just puttering around the house, talking to his little dog about the government, politics, and the weather… Yikes! Seriously, I turned “retired” really quickly! The first week or so was super productive. Then I went into #sluglife mode for a week and a half. Mostly, I was dealing with mild depression and apathy for life, and went with it. That burnt me out on tv, lol. Then I decided I needed to be more productive. Between the divorce, trying to start a new business, and all the projects I had from before, I have a lot to do.

Read More…

Check On Your Friends! Mental Health Monday

I’ve been going thru some stuff lately, I’m not sure if you all can connect with it or not. I’ve been stuck in my house, my routine has been disrupted as fuck, and I feel like a retired person! Holy hell… It’s like there’s a global pandemic going on or something… As someone who had all the greatest support networks set up, they ALL went to shit when everything hit the fan. For one reason or not, my strong, big spiderweb of support had collapsed. I felt alone.

you just feel alone

Yeah, This pandemic is doing a number on everyone. One thing I keep hearing, even from people that never talked about feelings before this, talk about how they feel anxious, or depressed, or they don’t know, but they know it’s “not their usual”. I can empathize. My life got straight flipped upside down with this whole pandemic, quarantine, dealio. Here’s how my schedule and everything got wrecked. It started with the pandemic… lol Most understated sentence of the year… First, the schools closed and unbeknownst to me at the time, my main social outlet was gone. GONE. Then, no visits, enact social distancing measures, blah-dee-blah, and now I can only see my CASA kids thru facetime. And then the CASA office closed. Scouts shut down as soon as the city placed a shelter in place order.

Literally, my whole social support network was gone in the span of a week. It reminded me of my “ikigai post” where I talk about people that have a purpose, no matter how trivial it may seem, people with a purpose report higher levels of happiness, and, AND live longer. Yikes! My ikigai was gone in a week. I miss my PTA ladies and I miss my kids elementary school. It was literally a second home for me, looking back on it. And now, nada. Well, at least there is still support through groups like DBSA (Depression, Bipolar, Support Alliance), my group therapy group for talking all that stuff other people don’t want to hear. A place to be real, honest, be heard, and not be judged. It has been an amazing outlet for me for most of the time I’ve been here.

Check on your friends. Do you have a person that you haven’t heard from in a while, or one that you think could use a text, fucking send it! Just, “Hi, thinking of you!” Or “Hi, just saying Hi!” Sure, sound stoned, they won’t care. I know I wouldn’t. I’ve gotten ghosted recently, by someone I’d have called a friend, and dude, silence suuuuuucks. Silence is the worst. Please don’t let your friends hang out in the void and deal with (gestures arms around in the air) all this shit alone.

Here’s why that sucks so badly. My support networks disappeared and my dbsa group was headed down the toilet. Thru my separation, I dropped out of group for over 2 months and didn’t hear anything from either of our facilitators. Just silence. Silence sucks…

I avoided group because our facilitators had made it more about them and less about “support” unfortunately. I just didn’t want to “be the entertainment” or deal with any over reactions as our facilitator is prone to do. Anyway, January, I posted on our private FB group what had happened and that I didn’t want to discuss it beyond that, unless I brought it up in group. My one outlet for being open and not judged now feels shut out because I feel judged there. That sucks.

Over the next few months (Feb-April), each time I went to group I left feeling more upset than when I went. I started skipping, I went to make friends in the music and songwriters scene, also on Thursday nights, so easy enough to switch, and holy hell, I started feeling a little better. Eventually I made it back to group and yep, still not good. Then Covid hit, and our group couldn’t meet either.

I figured the national chapter would have a plan and keep meetings, because “support group” and why leave people hanging out to dry now? Well, that’s what happened with our group. Any emails/texts/FB posts about meetings online, Zoom, Skype, Discord, literally anything, were met with a flat “nope, haven’t heard anything” from both of our facilitators. After talking with one of my group friends, she setup a discord server for us, and 5 of us hopped on and were amazed! Like, how was this so hard?! Connecting and catching up and letting every one know that we’re here for each other was awesome, even if it’s only 5 of us. I set up a skype meeting for us, not official, since I’m not a facilitator, and it went great, but we still wanted an actual meeting, not just an informal share. Go Figure…

Long story long, it never happened and our facilitator isn’t stable enough to cope with the roles of being a facilitator at this time. And we’re all left hanging in the wind. Just silence, except the wind blowing past us. Silence sucks.

Why such a long story for a short ending? My point is, I’m “Mr On Top Of It” when it comes to mental health, and in the space of a few weeks, ALL my outlets and support systems disappeared. No PTA ladies to talk to during the day, no CASA office peeps to hang with, volunteer and socialize with, no DBSA mental health outlet, after our insurance approved telehealth sessions with therapists, our divorce came thru and health insurance dropped retroactive to the 1st. April Fools! Lol But seriously, my new plan is catastrophic coverage, because beyond shrinks and therapists, I don’t really need doctors, yes, I know I just jinxed the rest of 2020 for me… However, Literally all my outlets were gone.

Then, because I got sick with who the hell knows what, over Spring Break, I went 5 weeks without a hug from anyone. The kids, friends, anybody. Total Sucktown…

What did I do? Well, I wallowed in the #sluglife for a solid week and a half and then realized, this isn’t sustainable.

I started back up with life and am doing things again and working on all sorts of stuff.

That’s me, I’m weird, what can I say. IDK, but I know what I can say. Don’t assume your friends that “have their shit together” have their support network. Mine were ALL gone in a matter of weeks. ALL. Gone. I started a separate FB group for those of us who want to connect since our facilitator seems to want “total authority” over how we meet outside group and has actively shut down efforts to connect during this pandemic. It’s so weird…

Check on your friends. Do you have a person that you haven’t heard from in a while, or one that you think could use a text, fucking send it! Just, Hi, thinking of you! Or Hi, just saying Hi! They won’t care. I know I wouldn’t. Recently, I’ve gotten ghosted by someone I’d have called a friend, and dude, silence suuuuuucks. Silence is the worst. Please don’t let your friends hang out in the void and deal with (gestures arms around in the air) all this shit alone.

If you feel that you’re in this alone, know that you aren’t! DM me and I’ll send you my cell # or email or whatever and we can talk, facetime, text, email, whatever it takes. Please, reach out I’m serious.

If you don’t want to reach out to me, there are national virtual dbsa meetings, they keep your name optional, diagnosis(es) optional, literally it’s designed to be a place to be heard, and not judged. Those meetings saved my life, here’s their virtual info.

https://www.dbsalliance.org/support/chapters-and-support-groups/online-support-groups/

They have many meeting times available, and seem to keep them fairly well updated.

If you’re dealing with a different kind of support that isn’t happening now, look at virtual AA meetings. This link has a lot of options available with multiple links to virtual meetings on this page. I know my dad probably wouldn’t have made it thru this sober, if he started off quarantining sober, without meetings. Please look into it.

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/options-for-meeting-online

For those with other addictions there is this link.

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

For “higher than usual” Anxiety folks, check this page out.

https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-anxiety-support-groups-4692353

A very good list of support groups out there, almost all of whom have virtual meetings covered when you go to their page.

For any mental health issue, screening, or more, check out Mental Health America

https://www.mhanational.org/find-support-groups

If none of those fit the bill, reach out to some here, it’s chat, so not talking I hate talking to people, especially on phones, so please, chat!

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

If you need or want to talk to someone here is that line as well.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

tel:1-800-273-8255

Don’t forget those who may not be doing as well as you. Even for those of us that seem “on top of it” all of your support network can be gone very quickly. So, please reach out! Check on them! Fuck, just send a text, it can literally be that small of a gesture. Let them know that SOMEONE is thinking about them. If you don’t get a response, don’t worry, it’s seen and appreciated.

Let me know if you’ve had any mental health debacles during this whole pandemic… What did you do to deal with them? Any tips or places you’ve experienced that you’d like to share? Please do!

Hello, MFLC! Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change

There has been a lot going on lately around here. Between the separation, figuring out life, figuring out finances, figuring out new income sources… It’s a lot to take in, let me tell you. I’ve felt overwhelmed, underwhelmed, like I’m drowning financially, and also feeling at times like I’m sort of safe in my little lifeboat floating above it all on a calm sea just watching storm clouds building in the distance. To be honest, that last statement sums up how all of this “new phase of life” has felt for me. There are worst places to be in in SO many ways, but my Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change (MFLC) has helped create that lifeboat and let me decide how to deal with those storms building in the distance.

Storms on the horizon…

I’m really fortunate to be in a really, really, good place financially (all thanks to Mrs. SSC, thank-you Mrs. SSC!!) and this is what I’ve done with that freedom.

Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change, MFLC

With all changes come new acronyms! MFLC, Mostly Funded Lifestyle Change, is where I am. Am I FI? Hahahahahaha, no. Am I really well off financially? Hell to the yeah!! Am I still “retired”? I honestly don’t know that I ever was, but I’m not exactly looking for permanent full time work, except for when I am. More on that later. My financial reality stays grounded with my friends and people around me, unlike PF Twitter where I’d be “a failure”, “a retirement fraud”, “SAHD doesn’t count as retiring”, “I money poorly” and more of the usual helpful (read shaming, not helpful) stuff that tends to make the rounds in the Twitterverse. I’m not saying it’s all like this, but lord knows there’s plenty out there to go around, lol.

To start, it has been a major relief being as financially stable as I am, even with this life upheaval. I can’t imagine my mental state and levels of anxiety if I didn’t have such a nice cushion to fall back on, draw from, look at to ease my anxiety and more. While this is nice, I realize not everyone is as fortunate to be in this position, so I try to stay grounded to that reality.

By staying grounded I mean, in the span of 6 months, it seems almost everyone I know that has been debating leaving their current living situation, finding a new partner, or getting a divorce has made movement towards that and they have been finding their footing just like me. Unlike me, they don’t all have a shitload of money set aside to be able to relax and figure out what they would “like” to do. They’ve been scrambling to save up enough money to move out on their own, figure out new budgets, etc…

Money: The Cause of and Solution to Most of Life’s Problems

We’ve, my friends and I in this sort of situation, had lots of talks around that topic because it is triggering as hell when your mental space is almost 100% occupied with money worries. I’ve written about it, and how I get triggered even being in my current financial situation. It’s real, and if you’ve never been triggered by money stress, count your blessings that you’ve lived a very fortunate life so far. Not everyone’s that lucky, so I’ve helped where I can. Besides giving my tips to reducing my money anxiety, I’ve also introduced the group to helpful apps like Acorns, Mint, YNAB, and more, although the cost for YNAB is out of reach for some. Yes, that’s the level of income and financial security they’re dealing with. It helps me feel grateful and fortunate for my current position in life, because I know I can be back there in no time with a few poor decisions here and there. I’ve also introduced those interested in budgeting tools, blogs, and more to help with their situations and help alleviate money stresses.

Being active with them and other friends going through similar life upheavals and transitions has given me a constant appreciation for where I am and being fortunate enough to have the time and capital to look into creating a passive income stream and not desperately “looking for any J-O-B” to cover the immediate bills.

…I’m not exactly looking for permanent full time work, except for when I am…

Life. It Keeps on Moving. Always…

I can’t believe it’s almost March. March! What the hell!? Where did the first 2 months of the year go? It went by the wayside if you weren’t paying attention or doing anything productive. I was being productive, although at times it sure didn’t feel like it. At other times I felt like I need to slow this train down, sort of like this current week. I feel like this morning is the first day to take a breath and relax. By relax, I mean I have 283 steps since waking up this morning because I’ve been at the computer catching up. I’ve been emailing with students about a project, tidying up my Canvas material, reviewing/editing upcoming lecture material/in-class work/homework/reading, researching entrepreneur possibilities, commercial space rental prices, and more…

I finally had a month where I didn’t feel like I was buying new/used everything to stock a house/apartment. So, I can finally figure out what my monthly occurring expenses are and create a financial plan, budget and outlook for 2020! OMG… I just typed “create a financial plan, budget, AND outlook for 2020!!” And I’m going to do it! I think that even though I get triggered by money stresses and anxieties, doing little things to ease these anxieties really helps me out a lot. One of those things is applying to jobs like Oprah giving out cars.

Ugh, not a J-O-B…

My level of “income needed” is pretty low currently. I currently have zero debt, and just monthly rolling financial obligations. This is amazing because it opens up WAY more opportunities than if my Lifestyle needed the level of support that the Oil and Gas salary would provide. And let’s just say, Thank the sweet baby Jesus for that, because oil prices are in the toilet and no one is hiring. Or rather, no one in O&G in OK is hiring.

Some would call this “under-employed” to which I would reply, “Yes. Yes I am. That was the point of our Lifestyle Change. I would leave my career, which involved turning down a promotion, and supporting Mrs. SSC in her new career, while transitioning to being the SAHD/Default parent. It is exactly what that means, underemployed.” Personally, I don’t want to be “adequately employed” or whatever is a level above under-employed, lol. That was literally the concept of our Lifestyle Change.

I miss this view…

This means I can look for more meaningful work, meaningful to me as a human, not my bank account, because we all know social work pays about as well as substitute teaching. I’m still holding out for the CASA supervisor position, it is still in the pipeline but based on numbers alone, at least 1 new supervisor will be needed if only PT, but most likely, would be FT or turn into FT quickly. That would solve lots of problems and I’d get to work with people I like and get along with and feel like I’m helping the community at the same time.

What About Health Insurance?

Yeah… The elephant in the room, am I right? Currently, I am on Mrs. SSC’s insurance as were still married and she’s very nice. In our last discussions, she was going to leave me on it as long as possible, or until I do something dumb to irritate her enough to take me off of it. This is my biggest fincancial worry. Without health insurance covered by a job, my out of pocket would double my yearly income needed, for the most basic of plans.

I can’t say I didn’t expect this, but I am definitely kicking that can down the road as long as possible. Yay for having one of the most broken, expensive health care systems in the world. If I didn’t have kids, I’d be interviewing for one of those “go teach English in China for a year” type of positions, Wuhan province would be on my “no list”, lol. I would have no issue with becoming an expat for a bit and dealing with life as a global citizen, but since I’m tied to OK for the next 12-15 years I’m also tied the shittiest health care system ever. Yay ‘Merica…

Needless to say I currently have no good plan for health insurance beyond self-funding medical costs, (note to self: please don’t get seriously injured or sick during this time), applying to be a student and getting student insurance (yes, this would be cheaper than buying a private health plan – stupid backwards country…), or getting something thru ACA or private insurance market.

Beyond “J-O-B’s”

I’ve also been researching multiple other income streams. These range widely in scope, startup capital required, and more. The list of potential ideas now includes:

Rental Properties

Medical Marijuana Dispensary

Medical Marijuana Grower

Micro/Nano Brewery

CASA Related Venture

Brewery Tours

These all have their own pros and cons which I’ve been working on researching over the past few months. Look for a more detailed comparison of these ideas in a later post. Currently, I can’t do much until the divorce is finalized and I get access to my share of the assets. Until then, affidavits dictate no selling, hiding, being shady, etc… with the assets to ensure everyone is being treated equitably in splitting up said assets. Yay, life!

That’s about it on updates and more from me. Life is moving, always moving and I feel like for the first time since December, I am sort of, kind of, getting a grasp on the new Lifestyle. It’s different and has it’s own challenges and opportunities. I’m more excited about what’s to come in many, many ways, more than focusing on the negatives of this situation, and that is a big win for me!

 

 

I Dread Dealing With Money

Being thrust into control of my finances again has brought up a lot of “money emotions” for me. My relationship with money is an odd one because I mostly feel dread when thinking about money. Yes, dread.

Dread:   1. a) to anticipate with great apprehension or fear

                    b) to fear greatly

                2. to feel extreme reluctance to meet or face

Yep, that pretty much nails how I feel about money.

Even just thinking about checking my bank account balance fills me with dread. I actively avoid it… I even put it on a list It’s so weird to admit, but I dislike money. My happiest was when I was at a point in my life that I didn’t have to worry about money, or even think about it at all. Mrs. SSC was more than happy to take the role over and I was more than happy to throw my finances at her and run away laughing. Which is basically what happened.

Of course I was happy to hand this over… But now, it’s just me. Eep!!

Now that control of those finances got handed back to me, it’s all nice and neat and pretty and mostly organized. I’m curious how long it stays that way. Again, I’m amazed with how some of you check your bank accounts once a day, MORE than once a day (why? Just… why?), and you track ALL of your money. Yes, I’m admitting I’m amazed how easy it seems to come for… well, basically anyone/everyone I follow in the Personal Finance Community. You guys are on it! I’m just an imposter, riding the coattails of a person that IS good with money.

That’s how I feel anyway. I have no personal finance confidence and the dread is real.

Where Did the Dread Come From?

I think “when” may be a better question than “where”, but like everything that shapes our lives, for me it was back in childhood. I had money stress before I could even work and earn money. “But how can you stress about money that early” some of you are asking and others are probably nodding in agreement. Well, I didn’t grow up in the most financially stable of environments. The phrase, “money burning a hole in your pocket” was never more applicable than with my dad. He’d get paid every other Thursday and he’d cash his check and it was like a mini-holiday, at least for that night. We’d go out to eat, and then go to the mall followed by the bookstore. Instead of focusing on priorities, for those Thursday nights at least, there was money being spent on “frivolities”.

Why did I say frivolities? Well, because typically, the Wednesday before payday, we’d be low on groceries, gas, usually very low on actual money available, and there were at least 1-2 late bills waiting to be paid. When I started noticing this, was when things would happen like the lights would be out or the electricity or water would be turned off. The ever present mechanical breakdown of the car(s) and having to sweet talk the mechanic into a payment plan because we had to have the car running. Seeing my parents stress about this and then get upset, fight, or whatever the reaction was, spilled over to me. Even then I could feel it and it was ALWAYS about money. Usually the lack thereof, or the fact it got spent on “frivolities” and not “necessities”. That was the biggest sticking point and fight topic around our house.

While I couldn’t do much about things back then, at least until I started working, I still got stressed about money. And it was the worst kind of stress because it was worrying about things out of my control. I had fuck all to do with turning a light switch and it working or not but I’ll never forget that horrid feeling of flipping a switch and nothing happens. I’m going to say my “dread” associated with money started back then.

I Money Good, Relatively Speaking… (pun definitely intended)

Coming from that sort of background, it’s not hard to be better than what you’re used to seeing. Always seeing no money around turned me into “a saver”. Meaning I didn’t immediately spend money as soon as it showed up, but I would save it. I still remember my siblings being amazed/jealous that when they wouldn’t have money, I’d always have some money. Even in Atlanta when I was living with my brother back in ’96, he’d be like, “Alright man, you ready to go out tonight?” I’d say, “Yep, let me get some cash.” And I’d duck into my room, grab some cash and walk out and he’s giving me a look like, “where the hell is he stashing that, and how does he keep coming up with money?” When I came back from that summer, I had $2500 saved, just enough to cover a whole year of college, lol.

Got those phat stacks! Of singles, lol.

Comparatively, I always saved and had “better money sense” than what I grew up with. That’s not throwing my parents under the bus, but we can all agree some people are better with money than others. As a whole, you can put ALL my family into the “not good with money” category, I was just a little better than the rest. Back then, I never liked being in debt, and would save up to buy something outright if I needed it.

Mo’ Money, Less Problems!

Finally, around 1992 or so, I could start working and what a game changer! I had so much stress relief just from being able to buy my own groceries. I started paying the bills BEFORE they got cut off. What a concept! I had some control and I still had money left over. How in the hell did my $4.25/hr job cover the bills when my parents struggled with a $40-$50k income?! Lack of discipline with spending, I guess. IDK… This was when I went from dread to anger.

I was angry about having to pay for ALL my own bills, AND help with my family’s bills. My parents had split up around 1993, but why the hell is it my responsibility to cover my mom’s financial shortcomings!? I pitched in and “helped out the family” because that was expected of me. However, my older brother never bought a tank of gas for his car, or a quart of oil, or paid for his car insurance, or paid for any repairs, or had a job, or was expected to work, or expected to buy his own clothes, or was expected to help out the family in any way whatsoever. It wasn’t fair that I got the brunt of having to deal with the stress of bills, which ones were due when, where they got paid, and all of that, but if noone else was going to do it, I could at least make my role in it suck a little less by taking control.

It’s no wonder I relate to Shameless so much, lol. BUT, that situation also gave me a pretty independent spirit. When my whole family moved out of the house when I was 17, it was actually the biggest relief in the world. First dad moved out, and then Mom, leaving the 3 of us kids basically living on our own. My brother and I eventually had a “come to Jesus talk” with mom. We told her that we can’t be effective parents to our younger sister and that she needs to, um, well, be a mom. I had been floating ALL the bills and was the only “earner” in the house, so we also asked for money. So, instead of money, she took my sis with her and shortly after my brother left to attend culinary school. In a space of 2-3 months I went from household provider to single person with only me to worry about. WHAT A RELIEF. What 17 year old wouldn’t want to be living alone? My mom’s take, “You’ll be fine. You’re strong and independent and can handle this.” Um, yeah, but SHOULD I have to handle that? For better or worse, I finally had control of everything. Yikes! No wonder I dread dealing with money so much… I mean with all that positivity surrounding it in my formative years, I don’t understand why I would dread all things money. Maybe that’s why I default to Warren Zevon a lot, “Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money! They’ll get me out of this!”

How to Overcome the Dread

I honestly don’t know how to overcome the dread because I’m 42 and it’s still lingering. Ok, that’s not true. Give me a 6 figure salary and have someone managing my money for me and there’s zero money dread. That’s not likely to happen anytime soon and I need to figure out a better relationship with money anyway. How can i expect my kids to have a good relationship with it if they see me treat it with kid gloves and act like it’s bigger than me. Yikes!

Another one of my bigger worries about chasing FIRE was a return to dealing with this “money dread”. There were many conversations had with Mrs. SSC about how we could work thru this, or how big of a problem it may be, and if it was enough of a trigger to not quit working. I hate that dreaded feeling enough that I’d honestly rather work another 5 years or more to NOT EVER have to feel it again. Maybe I will, I don’t know.

I know what I’m going to do to try and take back my negative feelings associated with money though.

First!

I’m going to look at my bank account EVERY day! Every… Stupid… Day… I’ll log into my bank and at least glance at it. No, I’ll stare at it. Then, I’ll smile at it. Yes, as dumb as that sounds, me smiling or laughing at my bank account will help. Maybe even just bullying it a bit and taunting it like, “So, you think you’re getting out of here, huh? Get spent, see the world? Well, Not Today buddy! Not! To! Day!” while I also shake my finger at it, or something like that… Who knows? I know, I’m weird. But I like keeping it “personal”, in personal finance.

Second!

Now that all the “buying of crap” for a house is mostly over, and all my other money stuff is in Mint, I can go thru and set bill reminders for myself, where I don’t have autopay setup already. I’ve already paid a couple of bills “past due” so, yes, that has happened. Instead of beating myself up about it, I can now make that dread suck just a little less by setting calendar reminders and “forgetting about it” until they need to be paid. Plus, I can see what my monthly “recurring stable budget items” are and plan for them.

Third!

I just have to remind myself it’s only money. Yes, I typed that and sent it into the PF blogosphere.

“It’s Only Money”

Yikes! What’s the point of saving money if you don’t use it to ease your life? Well, for me, there isn’t a point. That is LITERALLY the point of saving money in my opinion. Not to hoard it and collect the most, but to have it so when life goes all pear shaped, you have one less thing to worry about during those times. So, I’ll allow myself to spend that money, but just not WASTE that money. It was a lot of work saving it, so I need to treat it with respect and not piss it away. In my opinion, stressing about money whilst looking at a big pile of it just seems beyond idiotic.

Fourth!

There is no fourth item, I just wanted to type more exclamation points!!! Lol!!!!!

Summary

I don’t know how to fix my dread associated with money, but I know how I’m going to try to fix it. That’s all I can hope for, right? Find a problem, pick a solution, and try it. When that fails, try another solution until one actually solves the problem. Like I wrote previously, if I can make this problem suck just a little bit less, it is worth it. Even if it takes most of a year to get that ironed out, well, that’s progress. I went from not dealing with any bills, or any financial accounts (allowance excluded) for the last 11 years and well, now I get to relearn those skills. I sure don’t want to fall back on my usual habits that were in place back then.

When all else fails, “Send lawyers, guns, and money! They’ll get me out of this!” – Warren Zevon

If you aren’t familiar with the tune, shame on you… But here it is.

Shopping for Insurance Sucks

Oh man. This past weekend I spent about 4 hours shopping around for auto and renter’s insurance. Did it pay out to spend that much time in front of the computer? Yes, yes it did! How much? Well, if I take my savings divided by time spent looking for those savings, then It was worth about $70+/hr. Oh yeah! You’re probably thinking, “What kicked this off? I thought you did this when you moved and Allstate had the best prices around?” Well, they did. Until I moved. Then for some reason, just moving addresses, my insurance jumped almost $150 per 6 months or $300/year! Whoa!! I didn’t think too much about it, until 3 weeks later when I got an email to sign an uninsured motorist form. My reply, “Uninsured?! Dude, I’m over insured. I still have 2 policies on my truck that haven’t been cancelled OR refunded. How about looking into that?” Their reply was that, “It was cancelled, AND refunded, you’re just mistaken.” Hahahaha Riiiight… Guess who got their policy refunded after COB that day? I did. Guess whose olicies immediately disappeared off their app AFTER that email? My second policy did. Funny how that works…

Guess who’s petty, doesn’t like being told he’s lying, and will pay more money just to spite someone or a company? This guy!! Yes, I make decisions based on feelings first, and then followed up with, “is this a wise fiscal move?” lol Fortunately for me, this one played out well and I saved myself almost $300/yr by switching car insurance AND renter’s insurance. The bonus of this is my renter’s insurance is now better and has “extended coverages” added to it and it was STILL $170 cheaper per year than Allstate, and my auto is same coverages, a lower collision deductible, a better glass deductible, and I now save $50/6 month cycle, that will go toward my deductible, if I’m not involved in an accident, or get a ticket. Wins all around, and thanks Traveler’s for the awesome new coverage!

Over-Shopping? Not Me!

Did I “over-shop”? Well, as the Liberty Mutual agent replied, “I’m concerned you didn’t shop around enough to adequately compare coverages, LOL”. I also sent him the pricing breakdown to avoid any follow-ups. 😊 I spent about 3-4 hrs shopping for insurance while also planning 3 separate trips, researching flights, hotels, airbnb’s, rental cars, new credit cards to take advantage of all this gratuitous spending, and more. In short, I don’t think I over-shopped, but I did compare rates to a lot of outlier type companies that I normally wouldn’t entertain. Which ones are those, you ask? Well, just a couple of companies like The General, and Root for instance. Here’s how it all broke down.

Coverages

I kept the coverages, limits and deductibles the same for all companies I got quotes from, and where possible I tried also getting renters insurance quotes to see if bundling would help. Mostly, it didn’t help. Even if I remained at Allstate for my renters insurance, I’d lose a 20% discount for bundling, and that would put me around $400+/yr for $40k of coverage, with all the basic limits in place like a $2k cap music instruments. which MIGHT replace 1 banjo, if I find a good deal on it but not the other 3 (yes, I have a problem) or my 1947-’49 era Gibson guitar, or the resonator guitar… There is also a $2k cap for firearms that probably needed to be upped as well. So, I looked for renter’s insurance that would cover my belongings, but also included the “additional/premium/extended” coverages for those sorts of things.

Don’t want my truck or house to end up like this…
Fairly straight forward…
Companies Investigated

In general, almost all of the companies I got quotes from were easy to do online. I ran into at least 1 company that said, “call us, your state doesn’t allow online quotes” to which I closed that browser and kept looking. No online, no thank-you. Sheesh, get with it. If true, then how was I able to get a quote for my state from EVERY other company? These are the companies I researched and got a quote from.

Geico

Liberty Mutual

Progressive

Esurance (still Allstate but maybe they’re better)

The General

Root

Travelers

Again, I tried a couple more, but the one said not online, and another had a horrid website, so I just left halfway thru the quote process. Their loss.

Price Comparison

How did their quotes break down comparatively though?

Geico: $14/year MORE This is competitive with the same coverages, limits and deductibles in place. Renter’s insurance came out a little higher as well ~$40/year, so for me, it’s a pass.

Liberty Mutual: $260/year MORE Yep, not as high as Geico, but still pretty high, so I skipped renter’s insurance for the time being

Progressive: $142/year LESS Yep, the first lower payment, but when I added renter’s insurance, it was ~$100/year MORE than my current policy. Boo, because that’s a net $42/year savings which isn’t worth it to me to make the switch.

Esurance: $355/year MORE Again, I didn’t research renters insurance due to the higher cost of the car insurance.

The General: $800/year MORE Bwahahaha, $800/year MORE… this was the surprise of the bunch. If you need insurance because other people won’t insure you, this is the place to go, I’m guessing. You can get cheap, bare minimum coverage for lower rates, but if you want to actually have insurance, holy sh!t, look ANYWHERE else for cheaper rates, lol.

Root: $102/year MORE This is a newer company that works like this. They have you install the Root app on your phone. Your driving score is THE #1 factor that goes into your rate. Spelled out in bold on their website. You drive for 3-4 weeks, or until enough mileage is accumulated and then they will offer you a policy, or NOT. Yep, you may not get a policy offer because they think your driving is too risky to insure. As they also say on their website, “since Root only insures good drivers, we can keep our rates low.” Amazingly, I got a quote without their test drive and paying in full every 6 months still came out higher.

Traveler’s: $120/year LESS for car insurance. This was intriguing enough to see what bundling discounts could help so I looked up renters insurance as well. Renters insurance was $171/year LESS WITH the extended coverages, so now music instruments, firearms, woodworking equipment, fridge contents, and many more perks are included and it’s STILL $171/year LESS. It was literally, the last company I checked. Their online process got wonky when I was listed as married but only insuring myself, and when I changed to single and removed Mrs. SSC, it still remembered her, and anyway, I had to call to get those policies finalized and linked. Well, just the auto really, the renters insurance was easy peasy to setup and pay in full.

Summary and Learnings

Always shop insurance when you move. Always! Especially, especially, if it is across state lines. All 3 times that we have moved our current provider is super expensive in the state we were moving to. For instance, insurance on my 2001 Ford Explorer 4×4 Sport was $500/ 6 months while living in Denver. When we moved to LA, a small town in LA, they must have gotten wiped out with claims from Katrina, Rita, and more because my same insurance doubled. The same with Mrs. SSC coming from Chicago with Geico. Leaving Chicago to rural LA and the insurance doubles?! WTF?! So, we cancelled them and went with Progressive, who had better rates than our previous Geico rates. Yay!

When we moved from LA to Texas, it flip-flopped and Progressive was going to double. Facepalm! Geico was back at a “normal” rate, so we switched back to them, lol. When we moved to OK, I researched insurances and everyone was mostly competitive. However, Allstate schooled them all by a few hundred dollars when we bundled home and auto. So, we switched. When I moved across town, well, Allstate sucked and Traveler’s came out on top.

Always compare insurance when you move. Seriously, just 4 hrs of online browsing, minimal cursing, and very little frustration I was able to save almost $300/year. That’s just over $70/hr if you want to argue it’s not worth it. I’ll do the research for you for $40/hr and give you the results. Seriously, just contact me and let me know, and once I get payment and your info needed, I’ll go research the hell out of insurances for you. 😊 Also, I’m dead serious, I will research insurances for you at a rate of $40/hr if you hate it that much.

 

Let me know if you want to contract me to shop for you, I’m ready and willing. Have you run into similar insurance woes, or do you not move every 5 years like we seem to? Facepalm…

Embracing the Suck

Recently, a LOT has changed around here, like, a whole lot. My living situation, income situation, financial situation, relationship situation, hell, everything except a new vehicle to be honest. Although, TIL, I’m making $60/day as a sub which means I just got a raise! Yes! Crushing it!! Sweetest $8/hr evr earned. But seriously, through all of this, positivity needs to reign supreme and I need to avoid getting into the rut of depression, sadness, and all the feels that come along with major life transitions such as this. Or do I? Do I really need to stay super positive and Mary Poppins-esque? Hell no! I think a situation like this, calls for a different tact, a new approach, and one I call, “embracing the suck”.

What is “embracing the suck” all about? Well, put simply, you don’t avoid, minimize, or even improve your situation, until you’ve fully accepted it for what it is. Maybe it’s just a temporary setback that is an opportunity for new hope, exciting things, and a new direction. Maybe it’s not temporary but permanent, and you feel “stuck” about that situation. For me, embracing the suck is gathering all those stress inducing worries into a single place and see if I can do anything about them to make them suck just a little bit less.

This cake made my day suck a little less…

I liken it to a could of flies that suddenly shows up buzzing around your head. You don’t want them there but how do you get rid of them effectively? Sure, you can flail wildly about, but you’ll probably just look ridiculous and as soon as you stop, all that energy was wasted, because guess what’s still there? That cloud of annoying flies – i.e. “worries”. You could also choose to do nothing and accept that this is your current situation, and just embrace it. Let the flies crawl all over your face, ON your eyes, in your nose even. To me, this is how intrusive some of my worries get… When you hit the point that you DON’t want those flies (worries) bugging you so much, try this. Stop, focus on each fly, and pick ONE to attack (embrace the suck), address it and then move to the next one. Here’s why I find it helpful.

Read More…

Starting Over, Again…

If you read my last post, you’ll know that things are changing pretty significantly around here. One of the biggest changes is also the one I’m worried about the most. That is the fact that I’m handling my own finances again… Yes, yes, for the last 11 yrs or so, I’ve deferred to Mrs. SSC as the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) of our household. Okay, she actually took control and I more than happily threw it to her, once she saw what a mess my finances were in. 

Back then, I had about $16k in credit card debt, $64k in student loans, and no assets minus a Ford explorer with over 100k miles on it and some random guns. I was crushing it at life! I was more than happy to let someone else deal with finances. Back then I didn’t care about finances. Clearly… Here’s what has changed since then and why going forward I’m hoping to do a LOT better. 

Read More…