Change is Hard, but NOT Impossible
With 2020 being what it is, and especially recently, with the murder of George Floyd by police officers, I felt I needed to write something from my perspective. This has little to nothing to do with personal finance, but if you’ve read any of my blog, you realize, neither does the rest of my blog. Maybe time for a rebrand? Regardless…
I was raised in Western Kentucky, Bowling Green, specifically and I was raised in a racist household. It was the kind of place where one says, “We’re not racist! Look at all of our black friends! Look at all that we do for black people, POC and those less fortunate.” To be fair, that is not an untrue statement. Growing up, we supported churches that ran mission trips to Mexico every summer, and we were close family friends with a pastor that traveled around preaching. We would typically host them and one of the Mexican preachers that had come up to preach for the summer, or a revival, or whatever. It wasn’t a big deal for our friends to stay the night, or wait at our house for rides to school, to help their parents out. We hosted a Cambodian refugee in the 80’s and it was one of the best experiences I’ve had.
Yes, We Were Racist
Through all of this support, help, and friendship; racism was still present in our house. I grew up being told I wasn’t racist either, yet I know scores of Ethiopian jokes (think famine 80’s), “Black jokes” and more. It was just a part of our background and raising. Did we hear the N word used a lot? Nope. Not a lot, but enough. Through it all, all the derogatory statements, all the “there’s a difference between N-words and black people”, all the jokes, it was just a part of the culture. Hell, I was approached to join the local klan group, yes, kkk, that klan group when I was in highschool (fuck those guys). I graduated highschool in 1995 for fucks sake. Why was that still a thing then? More to the point, why is it still a thing now? There was still obvious, public hate against African-Americans, Mexicans, Cambodians now that our town had a decent population, Afghani’s (we had an influx during/after the Russian Afghan war), Serbians, Croations, Bosnians, yeah, our town was on the “refugee list” for many refugee crises. We had a diverse population, and racism was alive and well to push down any non-white, and even white people that looked or sounded different than your typical Kentuckian. To be fair, put a typical Kentuckian in any part of the US and guess who will sound different? The Kentuckian…
It wasn’t until highschool, that I realized I had no actual reason for feeling the way I did about African Americans, or hell, anyone non-white for that matter. What sparked that revelation? A cross burning in our friends yard one night. Yep, a GD cross burning in the early 90’s. These people worked as a farmer and nurse, and were kind and generous to everyone. But, they had a cross burned in their yard, and kkk being chock full of morons, it fell over and burned up 1/3 of their crop. Seeing my friend’s emotional reaction to it the next day got me thinking. They’d lost 1/3 of their income, and sure, they could use insurance, but that’s going to raise rates and why? Because they were a target of a hate crime. Ridiculous…
It made me question my thoughts and beliefs and realize that I didn’t have to keep feeling like that, or thinking like that. I had no literal reason to feel that way towards any non-whites. So, I made the decision to change.
I made the decision to change my thinking and get that shit out of my head.
That’s great, yay! Racism is over! Except, that’s not how that works at all…
Change is HARD
It was difficult, the hardest thing I’ve done yet, to be honest. Through all that work, and retraining my thoughts to not automatically say something derogatory, or use words as weapons when fighting, or any of that was kind of the easiest part. Just stop saying it. That’s a great first step. Stopping thinking it is more difficult.
It’s like you’re raised with a family pet, that you think is all nice and fine. Not the most cuddly pet, but you don’t see anything wrong with it, because everyone else thinks it’s fine. Then one day, you realize, your family pet is a venomous animal and you’re stuck with it for your entire life. You can’t kill it, no matter how much you try. So, you do what you can and make a nice little cage for it and lock it away. It’s there. Everpresent. Always with you, but just not actively beside you.
That’s how I feel it is trying to “not be racist” and change my thinking from racist thoughts to just not having them. You can’t ever get rid of that mentality. This isn’t Sunshine of the Eternal Mind and you can just wipe your brain of all that and start clean. Nope, it’s still there.
The biggest difference is that I don’t feed it, I don’t engage with it, and still to this day, I keep trying to kill it only to realize, it ain’t dead yet…
That sucks.
Am I racist? No, I don’t feel that way anymore, but approaching it by saying “I’m not racist anymore, problem solved! Whew, thank goodness! Who’s ready for a cold one?!” Yeah, it doesn’t work like that either.
Mission Accomplished! Wait… No… No it isn’t.
The problem is still there. Like my neighbor Chad in LA. First person I’ve ever had tell me that he calls Blacks and POC Democrats. Why? “Because then they won’t know you’re talking about ‘em!” Riiiiiight… Riiight. Fucking Chad… We talked a lot about that when we would hang out, not constantly and not ever getting to a point of hostility, but enough. We realized, like me, it was how he was raised, and he was fine with that. He had lots of examples to back up his standpoint, and I’d counter with mine, and we’d agree to disagree by the end. Always some interesting talks when it was brought up, to be honest, but fucking Chad… And he wasn’t alone. There were lots of people that feel that way.
My mom for instance. JFC, my mom… One of the last times I was hanging out with her in Houston, before I cut off all contact, she was throwing the N word into conversation like she was saying hello. I said, “Whoa, whoa whoa… You can’t say that! Why do you think it’s okay to say that? You teach in a charter school in NOLA for fucks sake! How can you use that word and also talk about “your kids” that you teach being so dear to you and so special to you? And then use that word?” Yeah, imagine being raised with that flippant attitude towards racism and similar attitude towards “not being racist.” No wonder I was confused. But, that’s the kind of house I was raised in. Which makes it very difficult to untangle all of that, and separate out what’s real, what’s fake, what means something to you and what doesn’t.
It’s similar to being raised in a very religious household, and one day you start questioning said religion. Let’s take Baptists, because that’s what I was raised as. Eeeesh… My experience, was that organized religion, and especially Baptists, and especially Southern Baptists, are the biggest bunch of judgmental, hypocritical sons of bitches I’ve ever had the misfortune to deal with. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson are perfect examples of the shit religion I was raised around. When they make asinine statements like 9/11 wasn’t because of terrorists, but because our once holy nation has become Sodom and Gomorrha with allowing homosexuality, abortions, secular schools and more, and that’s god’s punishment. Yeah, keep your fucking god, because that’s not one I want to align with, worship, or any of that. Sounds fucking awful and like a horrible god… No thanks…
At some point, you choose to think for yourself, or stay in the mire. With religion and racism, I chose the former and decided I could be better. I might not be perfect, but I can be better than I was raised. Neither were easy to change, but both were empowering, freeing, and helped shape me to be who I am today. All of it.
Silence is Deadly
It’s not enough to be “not racist”. Who cares that you’re “not racist” if you’re just silently standing by and letting racism happen, and say, “But, I’M not racist, and that’s what matters.” No it isn’t…
The Only Thing Necessary for the Tirumph of Evil is for Good Men to do Nothing – Edmund Burke
You need to be a champion, and support those that are still dealing with this issue. Because here we are in 2020, and the only thing that looks different from the 60’s riots (based on historical data, I’m not THAT old, lol) is the police are WAY more militarized, they use WAY less water cannons and German Shepherds, and are WAY more deadly to people of color, and those marginalized in society. What’s changed? Nothing. Not a GD thing in my opinion…
Am I a good champion? Nope, definitely not as much as I could be. Couldn’t we all do more?
Yes! Always! With everything! We can always do more!! So, I do what I can, when I can, and try to not be a silent observer on the sidelines.
This isn’t me calling out anyone for doing too little or a call to arms for everyone to do more.
You do you, and I’ll do me. Only you know what you feel like, how you feel, and whether you’ve got enough in your mental, financial, and physical tank to do more. Do what you can. Doing something, regardless of how small it may seem, is definitely better than doing nothing. And for those doing what they can! Yay, for you! Thanks for being supportive, thanks for taking a stand, and thanks for doing what you’re doing.
Change is hard. Hard but not impossible.
I’m still dealing with my journey and it’s still something that takes effort every day to keep that stupid godawful family pet in its cage, unfed, and away from my active life. Without actively working against it, it’s easy to become complicit.
Now is not the time for being complicit. It’s definitely not the time to stay silent on the sidelines. Do what you can, where you can, and how you can. But don’t do, nothing…
Tawcan
June 1, 2020Thank you Jay for writing this. Silence is deadly and we need to speak up to any social injustice.
Mr SSC
June 1, 2020Thanks for the comment. 🙂
Joe
June 1, 2020Thanks for sharing and writing about this. Every post like this gives the courage for others to speak up. You shouldn’t stay on the sideline if you want things to improve.
Mr SSC
June 1, 2020Thanks and I totally agree. Doing nothing doesn’t even improve one’s own situation, usually.
Steve
June 1, 2020Well said! But, we also can’t forget.
Part of the reason this happens is because we’re all very dedicated when emotions run high. Then, time goes on and we go back to our normal lives, forgetting what we’ve been talking about.
When we forget, things don’t change. We can’t forget.
Mr SSC
June 1, 2020Thanks, and I agree. Forgetting is easy to do as well. I haven’t worked a job yet, or found a state to live in that it’s really hard to forget when you see things happening everyday. Not murder, fortunately, but the little things, that creep up and seem so insignificant. Purple Life has a post about that in the workplace.
With the blatant murder, the protests, and constant media coverage, it definitely gets the emotions to run higher.
Just because this story will trail off soon, I’m sure, doesn’t mean it’s time to get back to normal and precedented times either. Those don’t seem to have improved for non-whites in the last 50 years, in terms of social change. Yes, a lot of things are more easily accessed and things have improved, but the racism is still there. Look at any POC that “looks Chinese” with the pandemic. There have been loads of pictures and news stories of blatant racism because people feel like “they” did it.
I agree, we can’t forget; but sadly, I see it in our normal lives, or at least in my life. Whether it was in KY, CO, GA, LA, TX, OK, I haven’t NOT seen racism happening. Hell, my last job at Oxy, there were 3 people let go for making racist and derogatory comments about a coworker. These were people I didn’t ever hear anything like that from, nor would I have ever guessed them. For me, it drives the point, that just because people say 1 thing, doesn’t mean they aren’t doing another if they think it’s private.
Sorry for the long reply, but yes, forgetting, and then going back to normal in a couple of weeks is just as bad as doing nothing.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
June 1, 2020I’m glad that you chose to write about this after all. It’s a process and no one should be so afraid of being CALLED racist or have their actions or behaviors criticized as racist that they completely miss the forest for the trees. We are so steeped in racism as a society we have to work actively, every day, to find our better angels and to deny the rabid racism we’re surrounded by.
Having been exposed to it and not knowing better at first doesn’t make us terrible people. Refusing to open our eyes and do better by our fellow citizens and people does.
Mr SSC
June 1, 2020Thanks, and thanks for talking last night. It helped solidify things, and make me feel more inclined to want to post this rather than write it and not post it, like in the past. Thinking it would come off wrong or who knows.
It’s a process for sure. And like you said, we’re so steeped in racism that it’s not like you can decide, “Ok, things are good now. Let’s go back to normal.” Normal sucks! It has as long as I’ve been alive, anyway. Or aware that racism exists and not everyone gets treated the same.
Yes! Open your eyes and Be better. Not you specifically, lol.
ChrisCD
June 1, 2020Boy howdy. Lot’s to unpack in there. Are you looking for a conversation?
The big question: What do they want? When it comes to the current looting and violence, please don’t call them protests. The chant has been: “No Justice. No Peace”. What justice do they want? The evidence shows George Floyd being killed. The cop has been arrested. Our penal system has a process. Do they want every police chief to sign a pledge that they will do their best to root out evil in their forces and will start prosecuting examples of abuse? Will the leaders of the protest do the same? Will the looters do the same? Will the leaders of the protests demand that the looters turn themselves in? Justice and Peace.
I actually had a hard time reading your post because of all of the F-bombs. It really is hard to have a sensible discussion when someone is swearing back at you. But I read through it anyway. Are we able to have a sensible discussion? I’m just not a fan. I think it is more likely to shut down a conversation.
Have I ever had a cross burned in my front yard? No. Have I ever feared that I would or have something similar, No, not really. Although, my sons did fear I might be targeted if I wore my Trump socks and Jerusalem hat. So I haven’t worn them. I’ve had them for about 6-months BTW, so well before all of this.
One of my sons drives a big Chevy truck with an American Flag. I told him it might be a good idea to put that away for a few days. How sad is that?!? He said nope, still flying it.
Do I feel racist? No. You didn’t either. I live in a small town as far as those go in CA. I have run at night and in the early morning. I wear bright colors and flashing lights. I look like a jogger. Am I suspicious of people? You bet. I don’t care what color they are. If someone is out at 4am and looks like trouble, I steer clear. I don’t care what color they are. If I was running in dark colors, not really looking like a jogger, I would expect to be questioned.
My son has felt targeted by cops, but then he didn’t always make the wisest of decisions. I personally feel he was targeted correctly. If you get a bad rap, don’t be surprised if cops pay more attention to what you are doing. I have never felt targeted. But, I’ve never done anything to warrant suspicion. We use to live across the street from people selling drugs. Were some of the people targeted? You bet. They earned the bad rap they had.
I guess I still don’t get the lack of outrage against gang violence and when innocent people get caught in the cross fire. I don’t hear calls for justice and peace when that happens. And it is a far more regular occurrence. But, I’m probably missing something. So it does frustrate me when the protests come out in throngs for this. I don’t think most cops are out looking to harass people. I have known a few over the years. That certainly wasn’t their MO. Are there bad ones? Yes. Should efforts be made to find the bad ones? Yes. What would that look like? I don’t know. I think it was last year or something. But a black person (a reverend?) was put through a similar scenario as cops are to test how they would react in dangerous situations. It was quite eye opening for them. In most of the simulations, they would have been dead because of their hesitations.
And I don’t understand destroying your own neighborhood and people’s livelihood that have in fact been there for the community. I believe most cops and people are good. They aren’t looking to harm people.
Anyway, let’s see if we can make some headway on this.
Also, I have been hungry. I have felt that the fear of not being able to pay the bills and not knowing where groceries would come from. And although, I’m not now, I have spent large parts of my life working two – three jobs and/or my wife having to work, too.
Thank you for your post.
cd :O)
Mr SSC
June 1, 2020Whew, back at ya, with a lot to unpack, lol.
Yes, I’m always looking for a conversation.
There is looting and violence, but there are and have been many more successful, peaceful protests that haven’t ended that way.
I’m pretty sure every police officer has already taken an oath to root out evil and prosecute people that do wrong. Regardless of their job. That oath from the International Association of Chiefs of Police reads, “On my honor, I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character or the public trust. I will always have the courage to hold myself and others accountable for our actions. I will always uphold the COnstitution, my community, and the agency I serve.” They’ve all taken that oath, or a minor variant of it when they are sworn in as police officers.
There isn’t, or shouldn’t be a need for an, “ok, now sign this to be really sure” sort of pledge to not kill people or not look the other way when they see a fellow coworker doing wrong.
At Chevron, you’d be in as much trouble as the person that committed an offense, if you knew about it and did nothing. In theory. That’s their internal integrity code and I can’t say I’ve seen it enforced, but I know lots of people knew it and brought it up if things started getting shady. Another fav around there was, “if this ends up in the newspapers, would you want your name associated with it?”
At Oxy, I’ve heard there is rampant bigotry and racist attitudes towards people. I haven’t experienced that, however, I also can’t say I’m surprised. However, there were 3 people let go a couple of years ago for racist, bigoted comments about a co-worker, with emails between the 3 people. They got let go. But, that doesn’t mean that worse may not have been allowed to happen prior to that, or since then. I personally don’t know, because I didn’t experience it, but then, I’m also a white male.
There have been multiple videos I’ve seen, where the peaceful protesters are telling the looters and vandals to stop what they’re doing. The looters and instigators of that sort of violence should also be brought to justice, in my opinion. I also believe that the organizers of the peaceful protests aren’t the ones directing everyone to loot, burn, and pillage. The Denver protest, where everyone gathered on the capitol lawn and laid face down for 9 minutes chanting I can’t breath, was a much stronger statement to me, than the jackwads doing the looting and burning. Again, that’s just my opinion.
As far as the language in the post, I can understand it might be hard to read. After it was written I did debate going back and removing the f bombs or other coarse language, but in the end, I left them in. I can understand how they would “weaken my position” and make it seem less intelligent and more confrontational than inviting a discussion. I agree, it probably could have been crafted better to engage a discussion, but it was written how it is, and I decided against any editing.
I’d side with your sons about that choice of attire sparking comments or inviting attention, you may not want. Or maybe you do want that to spark a discussion, but yes, I’d think that would invite something. Maybe good, maybe bad.
I don’t agree that the American flag would be a target, but I don’t live around your neck of the woods, so, I can’t speak to that. Confederate flag, oh sure. lol Just an American flag, I don’t see the value behind targeting it, or it drawing attention, unless, it was a thin blue line American flag, or something that could be seen as more provocative. And maybe in your region, the American flag IS seen as provocative already.
As a mostly night runner when I lived in Houston, yep, I was the same with bright lights and birghter reflective colors. I agree, if I see someone and get a feeling about them, I trust my senses and they’re tuned to behavior, posturing, body language, not necessarily color of skin. And sure, if I was out jogging at 4am and saw someone “suspicious looking” yeah, I steer clear too. I also don’t want to end up a victim of random violence.
I’d believe that with your son, because back when I had long hair and a long goatee or beard, I got pulled over ALL the time. Always wanting to search the car for weed, sure that they’d find it because I fit a profile. Flying was the same. I’d fly out of DIA and get the full body frisk, going thru every fold of my wallet, checking inside my shoes (pre-shoe bomber), my hair, literally everything but cavity search, because I looked like someone that would have weed or other drugs on them. Sure, I understand the “if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck” mentality, but it seems to go beyond that, is the point most people are making about George Floyd’s murder. And the outrage, in my opinion, comes from looking back and feeling like nothing has changed and abuses of power like this and others, against African Americans or POC are still happening.
I hear you about the lack of outcry against gang violence and crossfire deaths. Are those happening in your neighborhood? They’re not happening in mine. Mainly, because I’m a white male and live in an area where if there are gangs, hell if I know where they hang out. OKC, maybe? For the gangs up there, when deaths like that occur, yeah it can make the news, but unless the parents, friends, and relatives of the victim keep beating the drum, the next day, the news cycle moves on. Nobody seems to care to keep that drumbeat going. I agree with you, more should be done about that as well, but, in my opinion, that also comes down to voting in people that want to focus on that agenda and push legislation to change it. If it’s mostly happening in marginalized neighborhoods and areas, you don’t hear about candidates pushing for gang control, reform, and reduction of crossfire shootings. Why? They’re speaking to a marginalized disenfranchised population, and in my opinion, they probably don’t want to waste the time, money, or energy targeting them, and potentially turning off scores of other voters by beating a drum for reform of gang laws and enforcement. Again, just my opinion.
As to the life or death decisions a police officer has to make at any given time during his day to day activities on duty, yeah. I bet a lot of us would get killed going into those situations without the hours of training, repetition, studying, and more that police officers go thru to get to take their oath of Honor, as mentioned above. I do feel, that if you or I or even that reverend went thru the same amount of training as police officers do, the outcomes would be different. I also feel that like ANY job, as you do it more and gain experience you learn all kinds of things that you may not have learned during your training. That’s a valid point, putting anyone into that same situation would yield drastically different results. I also agree that, in my opinion, most police officers aren’t out to harass people. Like Chris Rock talked about in regards to the “bad apples” on the police force. We seem to be okay with, they’re mostly good, it’s just a few bad apples. Imagine if Delta or United or Southwest came out and said, Look, most of our pilots generally want to land the plane safely. But, we have a few bad apples that might fly into mountains occasionally. That would change the narrative with flying for sure, right? Yes, I realize there was the pilot that did crash a plane full of people into a mountain, and I’m not trying to diminish that act of cowardice or make light of it. There’s a reason, the protocols are so strict that you hear more about drunk flying, rather than someone locking everyone out of the cockpit and crashing. Imagine if 0.5% of flights had that happen. How would you feel about flying? I’d start driving a heck of a lot more, that’s for sure.
I hope that helps answer some of your questions. Thanks for the comment!
Jason
June 1, 2020Thanks for posting this Mr. SSC. The fact is, and I know a lot of my white friends don’t want to admit, but institutional racism exists. And it has deep roots. This isn’t just a one protest thing. This going to take months, years, and it isn’t easy. It is hard. I have had some of my friends say in the past: what do they (they meaning people of color) want know? We have affirmative action, we have social safety net programs, isn’t that enough?
And the problem with that, as with many solutions, is that they aren’t addressing the deep cultural roots of this problem. Can economics help? Sure, but it is WAY beyond that. It needs deep cultural change within police departments, laws, the way we supervise things and the way we handle ourselves with others. Talking with people of color and listening to their stories instead of trying to interject is one way to start.
A quick anecdote. I am part of the Big Brother/Big Sister program of Boston. My “little brother” is not little anymore. He is 22. We still see each other. I consider him to be an adopted son of mine in many respects. He is also black. He has been stopped on a number of occasions by BPD because he “fit” the description. Three times while he was with me. And I have been threatened at least once with arrest when I tried to step in.
What Zach wants is (and he has told me) is to go to the store and not be followed? He wants to drive without fear of being pulled over? He wants to work and live his life? He is a great kid. Never been in trouble. Graduated high school, is in college, and I couldn’t be prouder, but he has a distinct disadvantage because of the color of his skin. Can he overcome it and achieve the American Dream? Certainly.
But he shouldn’t have “overcome” anything. Until we get to that place can we really say we have justice.
Mr SSC
June 1, 2020Man, you’re so right about listening being a great place to start. In regards to your little brother, yeah that just sucks.
That’s what I’m talking about, and again, it just sucks. It’s that little stuff, the little behaviors of him getting watched or followed in a store because he might try to shoplift something or who knows what they’re thinking.
I agree. Until we get to a place that he can wander as free of worry as I can, then yep, is there really justice or equality? Nope. That’s just my opinion.
ChrisCD
June 2, 2020Looters are using the protesters. Protestors are chanting, “No Justice, No Peace”. But, there has been justice. The cop has been arrested. The rest have been fired and more arrests will come. So, shouldn’t we now be seeing peace. If a city sets a curfew, the peaceful protestors should go home until the next morning. Otherwise, they are asking for there not to be peace.
If I live in an area where most of the crimes are committed by hood wearing white males, and I walk into a store, wearing a hood, they are going to be watching me. I didn’t do anything, but I am being judged because of the actions of others.
Yes, real racism exits. You gave examples of it. But a lot of the reactions aren’t racism. People are unfortunately going to be judged by the actions of their peers. If you witness racism, you do need to speak up to the best of your ability. Jason pointed out he tried. When it became dangerous, he should have made a complaint later at the department or tried to talk it out and understand why the PO was so amped up at the moment, again at a later point. There could have been a string of violent robberies in the area.
And it isn’t “acceptance” of the bad apples. Like you beautifully posted, good and bad take the same oath. So until their actions show different, they really can’t be told apart. 99.9% of cops do their job and do it well. The 0.1% that aren’t need to know they won’t get away with it anymore. I think they are realizing that. But, the 99.9% are getting thrown under the bus at the moment and that isn’t right either.