Who You Are is NOT Defined by What You Do
It’s amazing how perspective changes over time. When I first quit work, I felt I had to justify my existence as a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) by using all the titles of my “past life”. I would meet people and when they would ask, “Oh, what do you do?” I’d go into my canned speech, of, “well, I used to be a geologist, but now I’m a stay at home dad, but I do all this other stuff to make up for it.” As if I’m apologizing for not working or something… When probed about how easy it should be to find work around OKC, I’d go on about, nope, not looking for work right now, just volunteering and doing family stuff. Then I’d even talk about all the volunteering I was doing like it would earn me a prize or something.
Later, much later, I realized I was looking for validation since I wasn’t getting that with many of my current volunteer roles. I mean sure, everyone loves a volunteer, but where’s my performance review?! Where’s a bonus showing how well I did?! Where’s a gold sticker for fucks sake?! Oh right, I don’t get those because it’s volunteering and um, well, that doesn’t happen. So, what happened to make me not even mention my past life anymore, much less my new job, and now I can be more than okay with it? A perspective shift, confidence in who I am, and accepting my current role for what it is.
I’m Not Important, and Never Was
The heading may seem harsh, but face it, none of us are that important when it comes to work. Ok, all of us are very replaceable, and if you’ve never dealt with an unexpected death at your office, well, just wait. When you find out Jim, your engineer, had a heart attack and passed away over the weekend (totally fictional scenario, but I’ve been to 4 of these impromptu meetings at Oxy alone…) you realize how replaceable you are. In a day or 2, except for figuring out where he stored some files, you’re back working like you never missed a beat and Jim never existed. It’s crazy if you’ve ever dealt with it. And it’s not just Jim, hell, if our CEO got hit by a bus, except for some grief days, and water cooler chatter about if our stock price will fall, I wouldn’t even notice any company disruption and she’s the top dog.
What does this have to do with being happy now? Well, I used to get validation about my life from work, titles, family, and other places, but a big part of “success” was tied up in what I did, not necessarily, who I was. It was all about, “what have you done for me lately?” and lord did I ever show up with numbers, charts, performance increases and more to show what I’d done for them lately. Every year, year in and year out. It was even 3x a year at Chevron… So efficient! Lol It’s easy to get wrapped up in that mindset and not realize that what you do isn’t who you are.
Who Am I?
Well, this has been an interesting question for me to answer. I went from career guy on the possible fast track to an upper management position, to an unemployed, heavy beard wearing, chainsaw wielding, SAHD. Yep, just like that. It’s taken a while, but I finally realize that nobody here gives a crap about what I do, or what I did. I could be a multi-millionaire or an unemployed guy with some hidden secret (there must be a reason he’s “healthy” and young and not working) and no one cares. It reminds me of a line from another one of my favorite movies, Raising Arizona:
With all of this focus on improving my mental health and the slowing down of life in general, I’ve had time to find me again. Like, the me that existed before my dad killed himself and I went into a major depression for the next 10 years. The me that doesn’t accept that being majorly depressed and having daily suicidal thoughts and ideations is “ok”. The me that used to be happy at nothing, or just used to be genuinely happy without putting on a mask and faking it thru the day. I’ve been more open to more strangers this past year of my life than ever before and holy hell is it liberating! Being able to own it and work with it, whatever “it” is for you, has been a huge step in getting confident with me being me again.
I Like Me, Again
I never “didn’t like me” (except this past 10 years of depressed angry me, that dude really sucks) but you wouldn’t know that if you’ve met me in the last decade. My brain was in a bad place and I tried all manner of ways to get it to not be like that, but I never tried things that would work, like actual meds. It was all superficial self-medicating stuff that somehow seemed more acceptable than seeing a shrink to get real meds. That’s all in a different post that’s coming, but what happened when I came out of the fog of depression was that I found me again. I had interests, hobbies, and things I liked doing that I didn’t even know I liked, ahem chain-sawing anything, lol.
I like having the free time to spend a day walking around the woods on our property gathering downed brush and trees and piling them up. I like being able to watch birds, squirrels, crows, snakes, deer, and whatever else wanders around while I’m out here. Even more so, I like being a SAHD. Making sure the kids are good with doctor, dentist, and extracurricular appointments. Making their lunches in the morning, getting them to shower regularly, teaching them about money, life, teaching them how not to be an asshole to people (you can never start too young imo) the universe, and just everything. Now when I get asked, “what do you do”, I reply, “I’m just a SAHD, what about you?” I put the ball back in their court and just listen. If it comes up again, I mention some volunteering, but unless it’s something exciting that I want to talk about or share, even that gets met with a shrug and “meh” from my brain. Again, no one I’m around now cares if I’m an oil company CEO or a SAHD, they just don’t care. What you do doesn’t have anything to do with who you are around here. It’s friggin’ awesome!
People Know ME
This past Sunday morning my phone started notifying me that a PTA chat had woken up and seemed to be pretty active. When I opened it (begrudgingly, lol) I saw about 3 pins that had been shared, asking, “hey, can you make this for our Christmas market booth?” And guess what? I can! And then I suggested making Christmas ornaments from cut cedar and carve the OK state outline with a heart on it and they loved it! Same with baby’s 1st Christmas and any other cheesy stuff we can put on those. After going down a craft rabbit hole, and being worried that the cedar discs may split and I don’t want to sell something that will split later, I found pre-cut, pre-drilled ~3” diameter wooden discs with live edge for $0.50 each! Also, I found out you can dry smaller pieces of wood like those ornaments and other kinds in your oven, fairly easily, so I’ll work on that too.
I was stoked! I can now focus a hobby towards a volunteer thing AND make money for the school and ultimately the kids. I have a couple more chainsaw carving requests, and as soon as I can get any amount of money from anyone I can call myself a professional chainsaw artist! Right, that’s how colleges define pro, as “you made any money off your talent”. Either way I’m excited about it! People know I do woodworking and have free time, and now I can marry the two. What a great symbiosis!
It’s Just Jay
This past year has FLOWN by! I can’t believe we’re 2 months away from 2020, the school year is almost half over, and there’s so much planning left to do for so many things. By being so active with my volunteer stuff, it seems like time has sped up. It’s crazy! Even with all of that speeding up, it has been one of the better years of my life so far. I found me again, I found new hobbies and rediscovered old ones, I’ve spent way more quality time with the kids and wife, we enjoy spending time with each other again, and I’m slowly meeting new people around here.
Through it all, it’s just Jay. Not “depressed pretending life is good Jay”, not “career focused Jay”, not even “apologetic about not being career Jay, so listen to what I’m doing now that’s so much better, aren’t I a great person Jay”? That last guy really sucked… Bwahahaha Yep, it’s just me and I like me regardless of my title. I’m proud to be able to have the opportunity to be a SAHD, even if I may not be the best in the cleaning department (sorry honey), and I’m proud to be as active in my community as I am.
It means a lot to me to be that involved and even more that it has started providing a fulfillment that I’ve been lacking lately. It has been really exciting to actually feel excited about volunteering, to be comfortable with my current station in life, comfortable in my own skin again, and just rediscovering me this year. That has been awesome!
Have you had anything shift in your life lately? Have you gotten comfortable with something you didn’t think you could be comfortable with? I’d love to hear about it!
Stop Ironing Shirts
November 5, 2019Wow. One of the best reflections of ditching that professional identity. I’ve been struggling with that one so far but slowly easing up. Thanks for taking the time to write this.
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019Thanks! I was stuck at the computer yesterday for some things and thought, I have this post I need to get out, and at first I felt bad for blogging because I felt like I should be doing other things. Funny how I used to blog from a paid job and had no regrets whatsoever, but at home on my time, I feel guilty about it. LOL What the hell is up with that?! Anyway, I’m glad you liked it and that it seems to be received really well by others too.
Chris the Audio Dude
November 5, 2019What a great post! I’m not a SAHD*, but even so I wear a lot of hats and I can’t say what I do in 10 seconds so it’s usually “I’m an audio engineer by trade, but I dabble in a lot of things.” I can then talk about something appropriate depending on the context.
On the subject of depression, having gone through two major bouts of it…and I’m not really done with the second…I get the angry guy. I am he some of the time.
Thanks for being open about that and everything else, it really is inspiring.
*I’m a Dad, I just don’t always SAH, even though sometimes work is at home.
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019Thanks man! I can find something to talk to anyone about, just ask anyone who’s met me, lol. About depression, what a cluster that is. I had major depression with mixed features meaning I get sad, withdrawn and then it comes out angry, bitter and frustrated at life. What a pisser. Lots of positive energy going to you dealing with the angry guy. I know that guy and man, he could use a lot of love and support. I hope you get out of this second round sooner than later. Don’t be like me and accept it as “ok” or “new normal” for way way too long.
Mr. CC
November 5, 2019Great post Jay. As there’s now a line of sight on the end of corporate life for me, I’ve really struggled to explain the “next” part. Everyone’s first question pertains to my next job, and I keep telling them “I’m going to take some time.” I find myself blathering on instead maybe simply saying “nothing.” But that doesn’t feel right either, because I will be doing something, maybe not paid. Either way, I appreciate the honest personal reflections.
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019At least at my last job, when it came out that I was leaving, my boss was the first one to say, “he’s not quitting, he’s retiring!! See that, look at him, 41 and leaving this setup because he planned for it. *looks at me* Go ahead and email around that word document with all the index fund links and stuff on it. They need to see this stuff!” bwahahaha
So… most people either didn’t believe him and just knew I had another job lined up, or they were like, “wait, you’re doing what now?!” At least for that aspect it was pretty easy. Like I told someone else, you can always say, IDK what I’ll be doing, I’m just working on a few things now. When they ask what, just go into extreme detail about the most boring thing you like to talk about. Maybe touring with Ween for instance and start discussing the real meaning behind “Roses are Free”, hint, it’s not about roses… That usually shuts most people up. LOL
Wendy
November 5, 2019This post really resonates with me. I left the corporate grind nearly two years ago. I’m now pursuing writing, and I also find myself justifying it. I’ve been working on this and getting more confident. Inspiring to see you owning up to who you are. Thank you for sharing your story!
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019Congrats on becoming a writer! Don’t justify it, just say, I’m a writer! Of course, that’s way easier said than done. Way to go on leaving the corporate world for something different. That takes courage, especially when it’s transitioning to something “unstable” like free lancing, writing, or entrepreneurship. Good luck on your journey and keep writing!
Educator FI
November 5, 2019This is a great post. I always knew I defined myself by “driving to be the best” at whatever I was doing, but never thought I defined myself by my job title. But, now that I’m potentially leaving the gig in the next few years, I’ve started to realize that my work is a large part of my connection and identity. I need to pay close attention to how I’m going to separate that out. I don’t think it’s going to be a major thing for me, but it would have been if I didn’t think it through first. I really appreciate this reflection and your honest. Thanks!
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019I’m glad it got you thinking about it, and even blogging about making this transition in life for a few years before it happened, you cans till see what I went through. I think it’s just natural trying to transition from one phase of life to another and it takes time to find the “new you” even if it’s just the “old you” back when you had more free time and less responsibility.
Either way, it’s good to get a jump on it. 🙂
Frogdancer Jones
November 5, 2019As a teacher, I definitely define myself by that title. It’s something I’ve vaguely thought about as I get closer to pulling the pin on the job.
Next year I’m going part-time (can hardly wait!) and I’m hoping that’ll ease my way into adopting a different identity.
Saying it like that makes me sound like a superhero or something. Mild-mannered Frogdancer Kent…
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019My MIL is a librarian. She hasn’t been employed as a librarian since I’ve known her, but she’s still “a librarian”. I think teachers and educators kind of get a pass because what you do is also a big part of who you are. I mean, people are teachers or they aren’t. There’s no middle ground. I love teaching, whether it’s in a classroom, at cub scouts, the kids school, or just at home with my own kids. I just went a different route with my career choice because I would’ve had to take a $15k paycut off of $45k/yr to teach and well, I liked eating more… Now I have a teaching gig for next semester and it made me as excited as my first triathlon when I got the offer and started thinking about how to teach it. 🙂
Good luck with your new identity, I won’t let out your secret “teaching” identity if asked. 🙂
Aaron
November 5, 2019Wow! Fantastic post, Jay!
I don’t think I ever really struggled with my work identity, having pretty much abandoned it a few years before I actually left the work world. (Oops!)
But I do still struggle with the standard, “So what do you do?” question. Saying I’m retired feels like bragging or just serving my ego. Saying I’m a SAHD is a bit weird because my wife has been a SAHM for the past 10 years – so that makes me seem redundant.
I’m still working through how to answer that question, and I appreciate any feedback from you or others who have thoughts or opinions on it.
I’m glad you’re rediscovering yourself and finding a “Jay” that you can be proud of. As someone who has dealt with severe anxiety for almost 20 years, I can definitely say that the drugs work, and that makes a world of difference to me and my family.
Thank you for your honesty!
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019Thanks! That’s a tough question now, “what do you do?” I find myself generally shrugging and saying, SAHD, 50’s housewife, idk… LOL I found of all the answers I gave over the last year, SAHD seems to get the most, ok and move on, even though I sometimes still notice the shifty look like, “you’re healthy and young, what’s messed up that you’re not working. Alcoholic I bet, maybe disability of some kind…” bwahahaha but seriously, I’m sure a lot of those conversations took place over the last year between school and other places I volunteer.
I’d find whatever gets you the “most comfortable, anxiety free” response you can. Maybe just try, “IDK, I’m working on some things right now.” When they ask, “Oh like what?” You can reply with the most boring interest you have (maybe something more boring than PF even!) and wait for them glaze their eyes over and move on. Lol. Good luck, because I found it to be a bit of a struggle for a while.
Penny
November 5, 2019YESSSSSSSSSSS! I feel like this is the long-form post your comment the other day. I am so glad you wrote this. Even more so, I am so thrilled that you feel this way. Nice to meet YOU!
Mr SSC
November 5, 2019You’re right, that comment made me think, I should put this in a post! And then that post turned into this one, and now I have 2 separate posts started in my drafts, lol. I’m happy to feel excited about where and who I am today. It was getting a bit stale or rather, nothing seemed as fulfilling as I was expecting it to be maybe, and then I don’t know, something clicked and maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe I just needed to step back and see life for what it is, and when that happened, I was happy with who i am, where I am and how involved I am with the groups I give time to. Getting excited about that re-kindled a fire that had been at a slow smolder for too long. Yippee!!
Mr. P2F
November 5, 2019I really liked the post! I celebrated six months of retirement just the other day and several of your observations struck me. I was replaceable! What? Similar to you, many folks over the years left the workplace for one reason or the other and a couple days later either the work was split up or the new person arrived to pick up. Somehow I thought I would get calls to help with stuff that was tough to handle now that I was gone…….but nothing….crickets! I realized I was replaced just like those before me.
I’m also going through that phase where folks are continuously asking what do I do and it’s interesting watching the reactions. I’m finding a new identity after being a corporate desk jockey for the past 30+ years. It’s a period of self-reflection that I didn’t anticipate but now appreciate.
Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Mr SSC
November 6, 2019I’m glad I liked it, thanks! I ahve to say that finding that new identity for me has been fun. Kind of like the Robin Willims movie, Hook, when one of the lost boys grabs his face and is squeezing and stretching the skin and then says, there you are! Because he saw Peter Pan underneath the grownup body. For me it was like that, and especially coming out of a very long major depression, it was even more like that.
I’m glad you’re finding your own “new identity” now that you’re free from the grind. Congrats on that as well! Good luck and be willing to try new things, you never know what new hobby might interest you.
Dave @ Accidental FIRE
November 5, 2019Great post dude, it’s easy to get caught up in a work identity since society places so much emphasis on it. It’d be nice if the first question out of peoples mouths at a party weren’t “what do you do?”. It’s best to transition to something different if you find yourself being too attached to a label, title, or occupation.
Mr SSC
November 6, 2019With that question being the default for most people, it is tough to answer it when you “don’t do anything”. It would be more telling and interesting if people asked, “what do you like to do outside work?” Or a similar kind of question. Until then, I’ll settle for, IDK, I just survive being a dad? LOL
Mr. Tako
November 5, 2019Great post. We spend so long training for our careers and then working in them, this is a difficult point to realize. It’s only after you’ve unplugged for awhile and built a life outside of work that you realize there *is* actually something more to life.
Mr SSC
November 6, 2019Yep, it’s amazing how even at parties, if you have work friends that attend it’s so easy to start talking about… work. At a party…
Once you’re out of work and make a life that doesn’t revolve around work, it’s also amazing at how fulfilling simple things can be. There’s SO much more to life than work, that’s for sure.
steveark
November 6, 2019It’s funny, I feared the part of retiring early that would change my identity. I was a celebrity of sorts because I ran one of the oldest and largest companies in our little state and thousands of people knew who I was. It was like being Andy Taylor in Mayberry or a town mayor and I did get deferential treatment that I didn’t deserve because of my title and position. And deserved or not being treated extra specially nice feels pretty good and gives you real economic and life advantages, it is privilege on steroids. But oddly because I kept my hand in the work world by doing some consulting I still get treated about the same and everybody still knows who I am. In fact since they see me in the same venues they used to many of them don’t realize I even retired, four years ago. I think if I ever step totally away from it that will fade pretty fast, but I’m still enjoying it for now. Having a glide slope away from being “important” makes it less abrupt. Maybe sort of like a star athlete transitioning to a part time sports personality on TV. They aren’t a pro athlete any more but they still get the celebrity juice they enjoyed in their prime. If you worked hard to achieve a high level in your career I don’t think it makes sense to leave the advantage of all that social capital behind when you retire, if you can find a way to leave the grind behind and keep the network and visibility you worked so hard to obtain.
Mr SSC
November 7, 2019Yeah, if you have that social capital and all those advantages, why would you leave that behind? Relocating to a new town immediately after a quitting corporate career, you become pretty anonymous. It was nice! Not that I was “well known” anywhere else, but I would say that only being in this town for about a year now, I know and run into more and more people when i’m out and about just from all the volunteer events and the level of active that I am in the community. That’s been a pleasant surprise as well.
Good luck with your glide slope and maintaining those perks from your career.
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
November 6, 2019Those crafts are SO cute!
Depression is a hell of a thing. I had two acute rounds with it so I feel lucky in that respect, but I was gifted chronic pain and fatigue for a couple decades so I guess it’s coming out even? 😉
“I’m Not Important, and Never Was” – I was JUST thinking this on my walk yesterday! I’ve been thinking this a lot lately to keep perspective. It can swing from being really freeing to being minimizing but on the whole, I think it’s more freeing than anything.
I’m a long way from being free of working and a professional life but I AM also a really long way from just being my professional identity. I think I’ve finally found a balance between being a valuable enough worker to make real money without letting it take over either my identity or mentality (ahem, reformed workaholic). These days, I know that I am who I am. I do what I do. The two are not necessarily the same.
I met you at FinCon a couple years ago so briefly and of course didn’t have any sense of what you were working your way through but really appreciate what you’ve shared online here. And I’m really glad that you’ve found your way through that crappy ten years period.
PS, it’s good to read you writing on the blog!
Mr SSC
November 7, 2019I thought I was a long way from my professional identity, but maybe geologists are like teachers, and they’re pretty binary with you’re either a geologist or you’re not, lol. It’s more of a “who” than a “what” in my book anyway, but either way, it’s nice finding that balance and rediscovering the old me.
I remember meeting and to be fair, I don’t think anyone knew what I was going thru except for my therapist, and even then she didn’t know about the heavy dark stuff because I didn’t share that with her. When I would share, it was very tamed down, and not “Oh yeah, suicidal thoughts, ideations, and plans run thru my head all day. Everyday. It’s always an option. What? That’s NOT normal?! Ridiculous!” Nope, not even Mrs SSC was aware of the depth it ran this last go around. Other than the carnage it left in its wake with our relationship and the kids relationship and the damage it did with trust, communication, and more.
Depression is a hell of a thing indeed!
I’m glad you’ve only had a couple of go arounds with it, me too, technically I just didn’t do anything about this last go around for close to a decade… (facepalm, eyeroll)
Thanks for the compliment, I’m happy to be writing again too. I figured if I didn’t pressure myself, or put ultimatums with it, then eventually I’d pass the burnout phase and want to write again. See it worked, ta-dah!! lol
Done by Forty
November 9, 2019What a post. I feel like I’m a couple years behind you here, having not yet figured out how I’ll answer the question of “What do you do?” at barbecues and parties after we leave work behind. I love that you’ve given a blueprint and such an honest take on how you got there, too, Jay.
Also, very, very happy to have finally found your blog. This is the first post I’ve read but you’re on the blog roll now: I’m coming back for more. 🙂
Mr SSC
November 12, 2019Thanks! Yeah, that “what do you do” question sucks if you have to answer it, or are around a bunch of judgy-pants. Fortunately, we can control that style of conversation and turn it around pretty easily.
I’m glad you found the blog too! I hope you enjoy the other posts just as much. 🙂
Kim @ The Frugal Engineers
November 13, 2019I finally stopped introducing myself to new friends as “an engineer”. Now it’s either writer (like if I’m at FinCon) or stay-at-home mom 🙂
Mr SSC
November 20, 2019Nice! Way to take control of your identity!
Jay
November 15, 2019Wow, another Jay here! My problem is how to get the wife(and especially one daughter) on board with my being a SAHD. I know our finances and we’ll be fine. I hate my job and know I dont have forever to do the things I want to do. The one daughter seems to thing we won’t have enough money for her to do the things she likes, and the wife just doesnt like the idea of me not working, and I cant figure out why. A quandry.
Mr SSC
November 20, 2019Another Jay! What, what?! I’ve run into this with other couples. My experience is that it can be very easy for one spouse to be in your position and yet not take the plunge for reasons like you just explained. I can say, I do know a few couples that DID succesfully overcome this exact situation and are now like me with one FT spouse and one SAH parent. Basically, it’s like me and the lightbulb emails. It may take more convincing on your part for something that is seemingly simple to understand. Be patient, and try explaining it to your daughter and wife in a way that makes financial sense for you not working. Then explain to your wife what your not working would mean for her in terms of things she would be supportive of. Like, clean house, no more grocery shopping, no more laundry, fresh cooked dinners, or whatever it is that could get her to come around that you will actually follow thru on. Everyone’s dynamic is different but the WIRST thing you could do is say you’ll do all those things, quit working and NOT do any of them. Good luck with your situation and I hope you work it out sooner than later. Also point out that you might even be happier and more laid back if you’re not dealing with a job you hate every day, week, and month of the year.