Depression: A Decade in Review
When my dad killed himself in 2008, it touched off a major depression for me and I almost didn’t escape from it. It lasted over 10 years, and while I thought I dealt with it through talk therapy, due to hurtful stigmas, I avoided seeing a psychiatrist or getting on meds to help with those consistent, recurrent suicidal thoughts and ideations, and ever-present negative thoughts and feelings. I mistakenly thought that I’d be able to handle it on my own and slowly I started accepting worse and worse standards of living accepting that, “this is ok”, “these are perfectly normal and ok thoughts to think. I’m just having a hard time and will get through this. Eventually…” For me, eventually never came, and out of desperation and a “well I haven’t tried that yet” mentality I barely escaped the clutches of my depression. This is how it has affected me these last 11 years and what drove me to a seek a better place.
Suicide Destroys MANY Lives
When someone decides to take their own life, it’s usually out of a place of pain, desperation, loneliness, and more. Their focus usually isn’t towards messing up everyone else’s life, rather trying to stop the pain in theirs. At least, that’s what I tell myself because that’s how I felt when my suicidal ideations would gain traction and start forming into plans. When my dad killed himself back in 2008, it broke me. It broke me more than I knew and it took me 11 years to figure out how badly I was broken. It didn’t just break me though. It also broke my brother, sister, half-sister, his sister, his family, and like a stone tossed in the pond, the ripples keep going.
This happened about 6 months before Mrs. SSC and I got married and it broke that relationship too. It broke my relationship with the kids, or it tried very hard to. Suicide wreaks havoc with everything in its path, directly or indirectly. I knew things were bad when around the first of the year or so, I was making plans to kill myself too. I hurt, every day, all day. When I was awake, when I was at work, in meetings, hanging with Mrs. SSC, it was a pain that cut deep, and didn’t disappear no matter where I was, who I was with, how much alcohol I drank or who I talked to about it. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore so I made a plan and then waited to act on it.
My Suicide Plan
My plan was pretty simple really, just wait until Mrs. SSC goes to bed and shoot myself. Pretty straightforward, but I’d do it in a way to minimize cleanup and all of that. I mean it’s the least I could do right? Typically, Mrs. SSC goes to bed before me, and so I was waiting and waiting and waiting. She kept staying up and hanging out, and we were at like 10pm which is way past her bedtime. Maybe she could sense something was wrong, but she just didn’t go to bed. Finally, she asked me if there was anything wrong or something I wanted to talk about and I literally thought, “Fuck it, I can always do this tomorrow.” And I opened up to her and told her about my feelings and my plan that night.
We found a talk therapist for me and I saw her for the next 4.5 years, sometimes for 2x a week but mostly once a week due to insurance restrictions. In hindsight, I should’ve checked into an inpatient place for a week or so, but I didn’t think I was “that bad.” Those places are for “crazy people”. Um, wanting to kill yourself, isn’t sane, so maybe that should’ve been a clue.
Stigmas prevailed and I slogged on with talk therapy. Over that 4.5 years, we unpacked and dealt with all sorts of childhood crap, trauma, feelings, and more. It was amazing. But I never had the ever-present negativity and suicidal thoughts and ideations disappear. It was like the world’s most insidious salesman hanging out in your head every single day trying to convince you that today’s the day, you’ve had enough of this shit, and you should just do it. That was my life for over a decade.
Life Goes On, Right?
Sure, life goes one with depression, fortunately, unfortunately, but in what way, and at what quality? I self medicated with alcohol to try and get my brain to shut up. If you imagine a flood control reservoir and dam, that’s how I picture my emotional storage capacity. Essentially, my emotional reservoir was full, overflowing, and the flood gates were fully open. Due to the depression, I didn’t have emotional capacity to deal with life. I couldn’t handle anymore. So instead of dealing with emotions in a calm, responsible manner, I exploded, I snapped, I yelled. I became the worst version of myself that I could be. I wasn’t physically abusive, but emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors were what happened when I was at home. Not all the time, but enough that I got the nickname Angry Dad from the kids. Yay, parent of the year, right here folks! It’s so embarrassing, and shameful, and holy shit it just feeds the negativity that’s already there and makes a maddening shame spiral of self-defeat.
Houston was where it all came to a head. I’d had a talk therapist in LA, so I had an outlet there even if she wasn’t helping with the chemical issues in my brain. In Houston, our schedules were different, busier, and remember me saying I was slowly lowering my bar for “good quality of life”? Well, that bar hovered near the ground at this point with me accepting the daily suicidal thoughts, ideations, and constant negative chatter as “acceptable” and “the new normal.” I hated me, I hate my thoughts, my life, the dad I’d become. I was over it and after 7-8 years of feeling like this, I’m more than over it.
Fully Funded Lifestyle Change (FFLC)
During this whole depression, I should’ve been enjoying life. I mean, I graduated with a Master’s from CO School of Mines, a tough school to get into, I got hired on with a major oil company, I got married to an amazing woman and life was good. Yet I was the least happy I’d been in my life. With our FFLC revelation, I was glad to hear that, because I wasn’t planning on making it to retirement. Life sucked too much and I didn’t want anymore to do with it, who gives a shit if it’s FI or not FI? Fucking keep it, was my attitude. So, I developed my own plan. I was planning on getting our family to the FFLC point, and since Mrs. SSC was planning on keeping working, I didn’t have to worry about leaving them in a lurch financially if our planning was wrong. She will be WAY more than taken care of, the same with the kids.
I was planning to get our house in Canyon Lake built, paid off, and then check out. That would leave Mrs. SSC and the kids with $500k of house/land, more than enough money to be FI, the kids had a great start in their college funds (~$50k each then) AND I wouldn’t be around to make their lives miserable anymore. It’s a win for everyone. At least that’s what I told myself then.
New Location, Same Old Problems
When Mrs. SSC got this position in Oklahoma, I was more than okay with it. Again, she wanted to keep working now that she’s gotten into her dream job, and this would require me to quit my career, become a SAHD, and then be default parent for our new single income household. Sure, that sounds great! One caveat if I moved with the family, (yes, we discussed me not moving with the family, I mean have you read anything up until now?) was that I need to focus on my mental health and get that shit sorted. Sure, sure, I am on board with that, no problem, whatsoever. Honestly, I was on board with it because I’d hit my rock bottom, or the point that I needed to shit or get off the pot. I figured, why not try a psychiatrist, I can always kill myself later. Seriously, that’s how “normal” and present those thoughts had become in my brain. Suicide was ALWAYS an option and had been for 10 years at that point. My attitude was the same, my thoughts were the same, my suicidal ideations/thoughts were still just as present, the negativity tagged along to Oklahoma too.
DBSA, Shrinks, and Meds, Oh My!
I started going to the DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) meetings here in town and found them to be helpful. Like when I attended my first Fincon and finally felt like I was with people that got me, it was the same thing at DBSA. I joke that it’s like Alcoholics Anonymous for mental health issues, we just don’t offer as many meetings. Although, I think more meetings than once a week could be a good thing, but it is what it is. I finally met other people that I could talk candidly about my depression, suicidal thoughts and more and not be judged, but also get helpful feedback and validation and support. It was amazing! Over a year later and unless I’m single parenting, out of town, or sick, I’m at my weekly DBSA meeting.
I also found a psychiatrist (shrink) and started taking an anti-depressant and lithium. My family history with mental health issues is that my dad was undiagnosed bipolar for 50+ years and only got diagnosed after his alcoholism was in full force. That didn’t help trying to get meds balanced out to work for him when they’re getting messed up with a fifth or 2 of liquor a day… My sister was diagnosed bipolar in high school and on meds until she was “better” and would stop taking them, and then wasn’t better and she went back and forth like that for years. I asked my therapist if she thought I was bipolar and always got, nope, you’re not bipolar. Ok, settled. Whew!
My psychiatrist also thought I wasn’t bipolar, rather I suffered from major depression with mixed features, meaning instead of being a bed slug when I’m depressed, I turn into an angry, bitter, asshole. Oh, joy!! What a treat! Also, since my suicidal thoughts and ideations were so present, consistent and I had no protections (things to keep you from doing it) he prescribed lithium which is also good for suppressing suicidal thoughts.
Meds To The Rescue
I won’t say all problems can be solved with the right meds, because that’s not true, nor the best way to attack any problem. However, when the problem is chemical, no amount of talk therapy can correct it. For the first time in a LONG time, I started feeling like me again! However, it didn’t come without its bumps, and rough patches. My last suicidal plan came together this past summer while on vacation. Yeah, on vacation, because that’s how this stuff works. We were in Santa Fe for the night and I had to get my steps because we had been driving most of the day. I went out to walk around this mall we were right beside and during that walk, something clicked. Something bad clicked and my brain started making plans to kill myself. I’d been “retired/sahd” for almost a year at this point. Involved in all my volunteer work, yet my brain still wants to kill me. WTF, brain!? This plan culminated in me taking $10-$15k out of one of my retirement accounts, putting it in a bank account that’s accessible overseas, and go hit a couple of bucket list places before checking out somewhere in the world. My thought was that this way, the kids and Mrs. SSC don’t have the trauma of finding me anywhere, and I can just be that dad that “left to get smokes” and is never coming back. Again, these all sound like good plans when you’re depressed.
I reached out to some PF Twitter peeps and they helped talk me off the proverbial ledge. We were all staying in one room in a hotel that night so I was sequestered to my phone in the dark much earlier than usual. After conversations with that person, thank-you person, you know who you are!! I started trying to think about this from a rational standpoint. I realized I’d probably dealt with my dad’s death the least of all the problems that got brought up in therapy. Looking back over the past 10 years, I realized that almost ALL of these issues have come up because of his suicide and how badly it broke me emotionally. While my latest suicide plan tried to ease that loss with the kids by me “disappearing”, it would still leave them with years and potentially decades of trauma and bad feelings to deal with, and I didn’t want to do that to them either.
For the first time in over 10 years, I decided that suicide wasn’t an option.
Moving Forward
Moving forward with this new life is interesting. I feel like me, like the me from back when dad was alive and I’d be looking forward to calling him later in the afternoon to catch up. The me that didn’t walk around with this interminably deep, wrenching pain in their heart for years and years and years. It has been amazing! Angry dad is gone too, and that kicks ass! The kids notice a HUGE difference in OK dad vs TX dad. I have patience, understanding and more with them. Sure, I can still get stressed with them and they can drive me crazy, just like those dang 5th graders but my emotional reservoir is only like half full all the time, so I have capacity to handle emotions, life and more without going apeshit over nothing. Mrs. SSC and I have been working to repair our relationship as well. Me being a depressed, bitter, angry, resentful asshole for our whole marriage has just done wonders for our relationship let me tell you. No, no it hasn’t. Not at all. There’s a lot there to unpack with defensive behaviors that came about as a result of my shitty mental situation and well, it hasn’t been good. We can just leave it at that.
Summary
Hindsight being 20/20 and all that I should’ve just gotten checked in to an inpatient facility and nipped this in the bud back in 2009, right? That would’ve been awesome, because all this shit wouldn’t have happened and I could have 10 years of my life back. Hell, we all could get those 10 years back. But, that’s not how life works. Life always moves forward, never looking back, and that’s what I’m doing. I can’t waste energy beating myself up for what could’ve been, or what an asshole I was this past decade, I can just move forward to try and be the person I want to be for me, the kids, and Mrs. SSC. The person that this guy was for me when he was in the “good part” of “being undiagnosed bipolar”.
I feel like I’ve got a new slate, a new start, a new life even, considering I wasn’t expecting to see 2020 with how things were going. What that will look like going forward, I don’t know, but I know suicide isn’t an option, my depression is managed right now, and I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts/ideations in over 4 months. That may not sound big, but to someone who had daily, constant suicidal thoughts/ideations for over a decade, it is ‘YUGE!!
If you’re dealing with depression, reach out! People want to help, even if you don’t believe them. You can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you don’t want to talk to people you can go here and chat. That would’ve been SUPER handy for me back in the day. Find a local DBSA group near you. I found that super helpful for me. Please don’t let the stigma of meds or “seeing a shrink” keep you depressed. I fell victim to this one, as did Mrs. SSC, and it was super damaging to all of our lives. Had I seen a psychiatrist early on and gotten meds, I feel a LOT of this could’ve been avoided. Please, don’t make my same mistake, don’t accept that this is your new normal and that “it’s okay”. It’s not, get help and be a better you. Reach out to me if you need an ear or person to text and don’t want any judgement, I’m here. @coffeesippers for Twitter DM and I can give you my number. I’ll respond as soon as I see it. Reach out to any of your close friends too. I understand not wanting to go that route or trusting they may have different intentions, but they’ll be happy you opened up and want to help. I promise. Do whatever it takes for you to get better for yourself. Just don’t be like me.
Wealthy Doc
December 9, 2019OMG
I can’t imagine how hard that was to share.
It sounds like you are in a much better place. I pray for you and your family. Your family needs you more than you know.
Your courageous sharing will help many of your readers who share similar thoughts and feelings.
There is more to life than quitting a job and retiring early and I’m glad to see some FIRE bloggers delve into the issues that really matter in life.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks! That kinda flowed easily, so I guess it needed to come out.
I’m definitely in a much better place now, and that in itself is amazing to me. 🙂
Lee
December 9, 2019This is not a post one can read and not comment on. Thank you for not killing yourself. Depression is no joke, I’m sorry for all the years you’ve suffered but glad you’ve got a community now, treatment and the ability to talk about it all. And I’m sorry about your dad. It doesn’t get any less sad each time I read you write about it. Keep taking good care of yourself.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Finding a community and support group for something as “atypical” as depression, I thought would be hard, but I lucked out with thye DBSA group around here. It’s worked well for me, anyway.
Thanks for the support!
Ejackson
December 9, 2019I’m so glad you didn’t follow through with your plan!! You are very brave to talk about these things. Our society still expects men to be silent about their mental struggles. I guess that’s why suicide is the 10 leading cause of death as of 2017. Thank you for sharing your struggles. Depression is so all encompassing that I believed I was all alone when I was in the depths of it and I’m sure others do too.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019It’s not just men, talking about mental struggles is still very stigmatized regardless of gender, but Ia gree that there seems to be more pressure on men to “deal with it”, “stay silent” and wish for the best.
I’m glad I found the DBSA support group. it was awesome for feeling validated and like i am real and this just isn’t “me being an asshole”. I found it very empowering and accepting.
TenaciousJ
December 9, 2019This is such a brave and honest post. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for taking care of you. God knows it’s not easy but I’m so glad you did.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks! I’m glad I finally took care of me too.
Penny
December 9, 2019I am so glad you are still alive. We are all SO LUCKY to have you. You make us better.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks!
Diana
December 9, 2019Thank you for sharing (and for being willing to do what you need to do to take suicide off the table as an option). You are an amazing dad–you’re showing your kids that there are other choices, even if they’re really hard and take a long time to figure out.
I’m emailing this to my husband (a fellow SAHD) who has been struggling recently.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks! Feel free to tell your husband to reach out if he wants to. I answer Twitter DM’s and emails and all of that. I try to be a present dad and NOT angry dad and if I can do those 2 things, I count it as a win for me. 🙂
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life
December 9, 2019“Um, wanting to kill yourself, isn’t sane, so maybe that should’ve been a clue.”
Except that wasn’t a clue because it feels like FOR YOU it is sane because you’re in so much pain, so of course it didn’t seem like it wasn’t sane, right? That’s how it worked in my head. It seemed like the sanest choice I could make because I couldn’t see time and work healing the wounds. And what’s a tiny bit scary is that I can still see that POV as being, well, valid for me.
I’m not stuck in a depressive mire and I don’t want to NOT be here anymore but I never regained the imperative to live for myself the same way again after the suicidal depression. I know I have some healing still to do but at least I’m not in a bad place either.
I’m so glad that you are all starting to heal together. Your family deserves to know the best you, and you deserve to be the best you.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Exactly!!! Like, that should’ve been a clue but it wasn’t! It just blended right in with the other “normal” thoughts and was just another option, a legit option for dealing with life. So messed up, but that’s exactly how this shit works. You know, but it’s easy to hide, easy to convince yourself you’re making a “sane and logical” decision when in reality it’s the furthest thing from it.
I’m glad you’re not in a bad place right now. Those suck. Starting to heal has been great for the kids, Mrs. SSC and even me. I might not get parent of the year, but if I can just get “loved by his kids” I’ll be good with that. 🙂
Mrs.Wow
December 9, 2019Mr.SSC I am at a loss for words. I can’t begin to understand what you have been through over the past decade, but what I can say is that I am so glad that you didn’t give up on yourself, because you are an amazing person. You are one of the PF people that inspires me through your words and I am so glad that we got to meet at FinCon a few years ago. Looking forward to catching up with you in a few weeks and always know that I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks for the kind words and support! It’s been a real struggle the past few years, that’s for sure. I’m glad we met and it’s nice having the support I do in this community. I’m also looking forward to hanging with you 2 nearly next year! Yeah, baby!!! We have a LOT to catch up on and many tasty OK beers to drink. 🙂
Aaron @ Live Your Wage
December 9, 2019Wow! What an honest and courageous post, Mr. SSC. Thank you so much for making the hard choices to get help. Thank you so much for being strong enough to share your story. I can only imagine there are so many in the FI community that are struggling in silence.
Thank you for reducing the stigma and sharing your journey through depression. I can’t imagine it’s easy to look back on the last 10 years without tremendous guilt, but you made a great decision by speaking up about it. You’re a great dad, great husband, and a great blogger!
God bless you and your family as you continue to heal and grow stronger together.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks for the nice words! It’s hard to accept responsibility for all of the hell i’ve put the family thru, well, the whole existence of our family. ffs… So, yes, that is hard. I just have to not focus on that, rather use it as a perfect template of “what not to be”, “who not to be” and “how not to be”.
I hope it helps someone know that there are people out there that feel the same and finding your own support group near you can be SO validating and helpful.
Frogdancer Jones
December 9, 2019What stood out for me was the night that Mrs SSC stayed up and changed your plan for that night.
I had a very similar experience with one of my boys.
Sometimes these things hang on the thinnest of threads.
Stay well.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Dude, seriously! My best friend from high school had a very similar story with his dad reaching out at and calling at just the right time, after a year of not talking, and interrupting his plan.
I’m glad you had a similar experience, well not glad for the experience, but glad for the outcome. You’re right, these things hang by the thinnest of threads at times.
ChrisCD
December 9, 2019Not a post that I expected to see, but so proud of your courage to share.
Hopefully, this will help remove the stigma for someone else. The brain can be injured just like any other part of the body. And there are people trained in how to help it heal.
You are amazing, your wife is amazing and your kids.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks! I’ve had it to share, but never felt like it was a good time and well, no time like the present.
I hope it lessens the stigma enough that someone else gets help WAY before I did.
Dave @ Accidental FIRE
December 9, 2019Wow, just… wow. I can’t imagine what you’ve been dealing with dude. Telling your story and being vulnerable like this will no doubt help others. It’s very courageous
Best to you and family these holidays and keep moving forward
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks man! It’s been an interesting decade that’s for sure. Not good interesting, bad interesting, lol. Like the curse, “may you live in interesting times”, yep, check that off the list.
I’m moving forward, it’s just a lot easier these days to do it in a positive light.
C@thesingledollar
December 9, 2019Thanks so much for writing about all this. I haven’t been there on all of it, but I am a veteran of depression, talk therapy, and medication, and it’s almost impossible to believe how much better I am when this regimen is working vs when I’m mired in an untreated down spiral. I really appreciate the depth of the story you’re telling here, and I hope that you continue to get better.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019Thanks and I hope you do well on your own journey of dealing with this sort of thing. It’s amazing how much better you can be when everything is clicking and working well and even scary amazing how bad it can be when it isn’t.
Leigh
December 9, 2019Thank you for sharing, Mr. SSC.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019You’re welcome.
Adam @ Brewing FIRE
December 10, 2019Thank you for sharing this. Wow.
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019I’m happy to share. 🙂
Mitch
December 10, 2019Thanks for sharing. Your vulnerability will help others and you!
Mr SSC
December 10, 2019It was definitely cathartic writing this, and hopefully it helps others too.
Mr. CC
December 10, 2019Man, this is so powerful and important. I’ve valued your perspective for a long time and I had no idea how close it all came to going away. I’m so incredibly happy that you can sit down to a computer and write this for the world — surely a sign that you are heading in the right direction and that you are strong enough to seek help when it’s needed. This sort of trauma you’ve faced is something not cured by a low-gluten diet and a quick run. You’re a fighter man, well done. We don’t know the half of what you face, but you’ve got at least some of the support you deserve. Stay strong.
Donna
December 10, 2019Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for all the pain and sadness you and your family have had to deal with and I’m so glad you are in a good place now. Good for you for getting the help you needed.
Donna
Cathey
December 11, 2019Wow, this is going go help a lot of people. Thank you. I wish you all the best on your healing journey.
Rose
December 27, 2019I just read your recent blog post, and you can not imagine how timely it was. My 28 year old daughter just told me she has been diagnosed as bipolar B. I have been crying and worried. But your honest post has made me feel hopeful.
She is being helped.
I have so much to learn, I want to be supportive.
Thank-you so much for sharing. Thank-you.
Admin
January 1, 2020Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure it will be life changing for someone out there who struggles with the same demons we do. I’m currently in tears.
Leanna Leyes
January 27, 2020Thank you for this amazing post. I came here because I’m interested in financial independence, but I lost my son to Suicide 6 years ago when he was 17. Your words help me understand his thoughts a bit better. So hard not to give in to that darkness when you’ve lost someone so important this way. Much love to you, from Zack’s Mom.
Soltist
July 11, 2020I appreciate that you’re willing to share this, Mr. SSC. That’s a lot of guts. This reminds me of what happened to me 3 years ago. I felt really misunderstood for years, I pretty much blocked my thinking from others because I got used to being punished for saying what was going on inside me. The suicidal ideations are just super strange, I actually pulled the plug on it and went on the rails. I’m glad nothing happened to me, someone called the cops and they picked me up. I spent an afternoon in the police office, two psychologists with a specialization in these kinds of issues visited me. Believe it or not, they let me go later, because they came to the conclusion that I wasn’t a threat to myself. I remember later on, when I was on a walk, the memories came back. I could just feel how my brain wanted me to die, it was really strange. I didn’t act on it, journaled it and spoke about it to a psychologist later.
In the time before this happened, I felt like my world-view was shattered. I was used to being the best in class. The year before that, I got my vocational degree in financial administration. I liked what was taught at school, but I didn’t like the work I could do with it. I also quit playing the game I wanted to become a pro at, I pretty much did that to escape the horrible reality of having such a terrible job. I applied for a BSc programme, spent the first year learning for like 50-60 hours each week and eventually became the best scoring student in the university. However, it felt terrible. I self-destructed myself, I was too focused on being the best. Even though my focus was on learning. I felt misunderstood by my peers, my family and whoever else. I was fighting, trying to run away from my horrible youth years. Right now I’m fine, I got my life on track. Still doing the same programme, almost finished. I got some hobbies, now I’m trying out blogging to get my story in the world. Believe it or not, when I found out about Financial Independence, I got a new world-view. I felt like there was more to the world than just performing until you drop.